Preachers of LA Recap: “Sweet Home Alabama” [Episode 13]

“When I feel like giving up, I look in the mirror…” Ah, yes. I believe Jesus did the same thing in the garden at Gethsemane. What?? Hang on, my husband’s yelling at me. What you sayin? He didn’t? What you mean, Jesus didn’t have no mirror? Dagnabbit, man don’t know what he’s talking about.

Now that the theme song is over, we get to Deitrick and Dominique working out. At slow speed. Like two 80-year-olds worrying about breaking a hip. Only 80-year-olds don’t work out in push up bras to show off the puppies like Dominique does. I can’t stop staring, so I think they were discussing the christening of baby Denver, but I can’t prove it.

Jay “Chris Isaak” Haizlip has decided that it’s best to go to Alabama to see his mom who did a great job raising him, perhaps based on the fact that he got high for the first time at five years old. Or, maybe, it’s just based on the fact that the cameras are around.

Wayne and Myesha are going to take a family trip, and Myesha wants her father and brother to come on the family vacation. No, not Disneyland. No, not the Atlantis. Seems they’re going to Dubai. Hang on while I check how much that costs…..ah, here we go. If you take the Russian airline Aeroflot, economy class, with a stopover in Moscow, it’s only gonna set you back $5,052 for airfare. And lookie, lookie – it’s only a 21.5 hour trip with the kids. Why don’t we all go?

Gadsden, Alabama. Looks like Jay‘s mama lives in a big old house with a big old piece of land. Bigger than mine. She’s got pillows with lions, giraffes, and elephants on them. Right next to a plaid barcalounger. They start talking about Jay, instead of trying to get to the real issue of his mama’s deplorable taste in furniture. Oh, maybe I should cut her some slack. Maybe she’s renting. Seems Jay wants to buy her a house because nothing says “Please excuse my being a self-involved little shite” like buying your mama a house. His mama says that it’s been since 1991 that he’s been nice to her. Seems when he got sober, he didn’t like her anymore. Let Fish Lips Christy explain. “When Jay became sober, it really oscillated us from a lot of our relationships, and we’re still dealing with the repercussions of it.” Ok, maybe I can let “oscillated” slide as a closed-caption artiste not understanding her accent, but why would finding Jesus “oscillate” you from a lot of your relationships? Shouldn’t you be more loving and forgiving if you find Jesus? There I go again with my silly questions.

Deitrick meets Ron at an ice cream parlor because one can only presume meeting at the “church” would be too inconvenient. Ron just want to tell Deitrick he doesn’t want to be Godfather to Denver. He says he doesn’t have enough time for the honorary title of Godfather.

Back in Alabama, Christy meets up with her sister and friend and says how much she misses the South. So why do they live in Los Angeles? There aren’t any churches in Alabama? And what’s this about Jay wouldn’t let Christy send her mama any money to help her out, but now he wants to buy his mama a house? She can’t figure it out. We can. The camera’s on. She needs to get this off her tiny chest and tell Jay to stick where the sun don’t shine. Frankly, I can’t imagine that a man that spends that much time on his personal grooming is selfish, can you?

Wayne and Myesha rented a limo to take everyone horseback riding. For some reason, they’re wearing cowboy hats. And boots. I guess baseball caps are not allowed.  Funny, all the lessons I took, they made me wear that retarded horsey helmet that no one but Jackie O looks good in. Anyway, everyone is miserable. Daddy is swearing so much, I can’t tell what he’s saying.

Plan B for Dominique and Dietrick – why not have Noel and Loretta be the Godparents? Who knew it was this hard to get someone to take on the responsibility for your kids, which of course, they don’t actually do. I mean, it’s not legal, right? You have to name a guardian in a legal document, don’t you?

We now get a peek into the world of Jay.  Let me warn you, it’s not a pretty sight. Seems that Jay is controlling to the point where he wouldn’t allow Christy to go visit her dying Mom because Jay was busy with his new found preaching. Not actually attending Biola, mind you, just amateur-time preaching. Oh, btw, they rented a Caddy to drive around Gadsden.

Hey, Steinmart’s having a 14-hour sale on Saturday.  Where’s Steinmart?

Some guy dressed like a pilgrim is telling me it’s not Thanksgiving without Stove Top stuffing. Uh, really? It’s that hard to make stuffing that you prefer the taste of desiccated bread and stale dry seasoning with chemical additives that you have to revive with boiling water?

Ah, Noel Jones and Loretta. She comes into his “office” wearing something that can only be described as a baby doll with ruffles. How old is this woman? They discuss the whole Godparent thing. Noel tells her it’s about giving guidance and advice. Like how to hook on to a man and manage to not get married for 17 years? They decide to do accept the honor, and Noel declares, “In like Flynn!” Does Noel understand what that means? Shall we explain it to him? Nah. Let him keep saying it. He’s not a real minister anyway, is he?

Seems all the churches were full, so the christening is happening at the beach. Yeah. I know. Seems Deitrick planned it this way. Just like Loretta planned on wearing a crop top and skirt to show off her six-pack for the christening. Anyway, it’s seems Deitrick’s baby is blessed now. Thank goodness. I was so worried about that.

Next week, season finale!  Ciao for now! (I wonder how they say that in Dubai?)