Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Apollo Is Sentenced & Phaedra Says Bye Apollo [Episode 1]
Are you ready for “The Real Housewives of Atlanta?” Get ya cups ready with peach schnapps because it is about to go down!
Nene in Vegas – We see Nene making MooseTracks out of a vehicle on her way to dress rehearsal for her newest gig as Mistress of Sensuality in Cirque Du Soliel’s, Zumanity. Ok at first I was shocked that she got the gig, then I was shocked that she was fake oh-so-shy about sex and showing skin (wasn’t she a stripper?) But what really blew my mind was when I saw the makeup artist place a wig on top of another wig that Nene was wearing. Magic? No worries, Nene is embracing (accepting) her inner drag queen. #MooseMogulInFullAffect.
Next we see Kandi and Todd in all their bronze and purple home décor glory. It appears they brought home their wedding decorations for the house. I guess Kandi knows how to work a budget. They are preparing for Todd’s daughter’s permanent arrival. Apparently, Todd feels that at 18, it’s not too late to start molding his daughter into an actual adult because he knew nothing about life in his 20’s. Say what now? Kandi is trying to figure out if his daughter will get a job and what type of wheels they will give the young lady because we all know Kandi isn’t about to play Driving Ms. Daisy. This is when Todd throws some serious shade and implies that Kandi spoils Riley because she works too much and doesn’t spend enough time with her. Yep, Todd is flexing this season and doing a whole lotta cussin’ too. Excuse me Todd but when Kandi buys you big gifts and tightened up your bank account because as Mama Joyce pointed out at the reunion, you are not a millionaire but a hundred-Aire, I didn’t hear any complaints.
Last time we saw Phaedra she was giving lessons on how to get a clean man and huzzband. Fast forward to present day, she’s holed up in a hotel room (penthouse -natch) with her momma and dem babies trying to avoid the press because Apollo has brought her such shame. I am more impressed with the fact that she is able to hold her head up while wearing the middle school gym rope I used to climb up. All I kept thinking was damn her neck must be killing her with that hairdo.
Bravo does a great switcheroo of Apollo at home alone like that MacCauley C. all upset because Phaedra isn’t holding a brother down during his time of need. His fleshly brother, Michael, comes by to go to court with him while he awaits sentencing. Apollo must have been taking a lot of notes because he breaks down the law about his charges pretty well. But, in case we forgot, Bravo does a GREAT job (shade) of helping us revisit the charges. Ting! Apollo tells his brother that Phaedra is full of donkey sh*t when she says she ran away due to the media circus when there isn’t a clown nor camera in sight. Bravo does a great job showing us the house on several occasions looking so deserted on the outside, I swear I heard crickets. Apollo sheds some tears. Aww.
Speaking of tears, we are now at Kenya’s house as she returns from her European vacation. She’s upset that none of the girls came to her aid when Porsha attacked her and pulled her hair at the reunion. I think Porsha was more upset when she found out Kenya did not wear a weave which is why she was on the floor kicking and screaming like an idiot (“it’s real, her hair is real!”). Kenya is tired of all the excuses they give Porsha due to her lack of brain cells. I agree. Cynthia stops by to give her support and a hug. She also lets Kenya know that she’s a Free B*tch now that she divorced Nene. Actually, Cynthia is really funny as she described how she is no longer up the big wide rump of Nene and that her marriage is better because of it. She even toss a little shade towards Nene’s stripper past. Gasp!! I love it!
Meanwhile in Thotville, USA we see Porsha at a *cough* photoshoot about her weave business venture. Funny, I thought it looked like she was back to being a video heaux vixen. This knucklehead, as Kordell so lovingly called her, is not remorseful at all about her past behavior or her mug shot. Just when we think she used her time out of the pokey to read a book or two, she says everyone should “take credit” for their actions. Seriously I can’t with her. The word is responsibility. Please get her to an English class stat before it is too late.
Next we see Apollo dressed as a clean man in his clean white suit and tie as a sign of purity on his way to court for sentencing. Todd gives him a call and prays with him. #FixItJesus. Apollo is visibly upset. Meanwhile, Bravo cuts to Phaedra dancing and playing with her kids like she just won the lottery. #ColdGator
Apollo is sentenced to 8 years, which he explains would only mean he would have to serve 5 years. He goes to lunch with his momma and brother. #MomWillVisitU
Bravo decides to toss Nene and Greg a bone but I really wish they would have left the scene on the cutting room floor. Seeing Nene in her Zumanity costume and those thighs was torture enough for my eyes, but what was worse was subjecting us to Nene and Uncle Grandpa’s sexy talk about orgies. Really? I had to stop eating.
Apollo visits Todd and Kandi. Kandi is obviously Team Phaedra and Todd is Team Apollo. Apollo expresses how angry he is with Phaedra because she showed no support, not even a phone call, or let him use her prayer cloth. I smell a novel: “Snitching II – the Sequel.”
Kandi finally visits Phaedra at the hotel. She is perplexed that Phaedra can be so cold towards her huzzzband. She even says Hillary supported Bill Clinton when he let the intern slob the knob perform fellatio. Phaedra points out that their child wasn’t as young as her kids. Besides how in the bejezus would she explain visitation and incarceration to them? Better question: what in the hell were you going to tell them about daddy’s past? Oh yeah, that’s right, she re-wrote his past. He is a clean man who performs asset recovery, while spending 5-8k on strippers. Nice. I think she should be more worried about explaining to the kids why daddy is always so jumpy about everything and anyone in case he drops the soap. Mmm hmmm.
Phaedra decides to show up for filming at home with her momma and Mr. President in tow. You could feel the frost on the screen. They argue in front of Mr. President, but no worries, he looks bored. Apollo blames Phaedra’s lifestyle, her non-support and her stinginess with her Bravo paycheck (that he helped her earn) that lead to his life of crime. She laughs in his face and, along with her mom, tells him that he is his own downfall and basically too bad so sad. Damn! Apollo accuses Phaedra of using him as a sperm donor. See Apollo you should have just bought that pizza for $9.99. You also should have been nicer to Kenya. Who gon put money on ya books boo? Apollo asks for a divorce and, while threatening Phaedra, he basically said when he gets out: b*tch betta have my money, my home and my stuff. The fade out are shots of the family photos. Awwww. Next week – the confrontation with Kenya!
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