It’s week one of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” reunion….and as I get my first glimpse of a set that resembles a jumbled Z Gallerie showroom, and the headache inducing cast, my senses are overloaded. Dina has apparently mixed up the air date of the show and is dressed in her Halloween costume, Teresssa looks like a clenched statue from the parking lot of a cheap Greek diner, and the rest are just a blur of shiny stained skin and sequins.
Andy begins by throwing out his best Geraldo and daringly asking Teresa how it feels to know that heading up the river is her new reality. Teresa is sad because there’s a slight possibility that January will come before February this year, and her previous prison RSVP might conflict with Milania’s birthday party. Dina remarks that Teresa heading to the slammer is crazy because there are murderers out there walking around free… possibly even those who resort to rat poison. Dina informs us that doing trashy TV is best done without family, and we are treated to a flashback glimpse of the pivotal table flipping dinner, while Andy pushes her to admit that she’s an absolute zen bitch of a sister. Dina pleads her case by admitting to having imaginary wakes for family members, while we flash back to these unlucky individuals who are being forced to participate in Dina’s hideously decorated funeral fantasies. Teresa interjects with some random whiny support, but due to her starlet relevance expiring in three months, she is mostly dismissed.
We rehash the lazy Gorga story line and they all agree that a bald noggin is more attractive than a head smeared with shoe polish. Old houses, new houses, and fake mansions are discussed, and Melissa feels bad for Antonia because she is spoiled by their imaginary prosperity. Lots of Gorga fakery for both young and old goin’ on, and that includes Melissa’s demure, soft spoken and blinking angelic shtick. Amber defends the portrayal of her scary experience with THE cancer, which by the way, was the ONLY productive aspect of the season. Dina and the twins are beyond annoyed that Amber dares to use the word ‘The’ when describing HER experience. Dreamboat Jim is brought up, and the twins accuse him of abusing his wife and thinking they’re stupid. One of those accusations was proven true over and over throughout the season…I’ll let you figure out which one. Kathy and Rosie pop in, and Dictionarygate is relived one more time. God bless Bravo for then jumping on the chance to make a spectacle of how the English language is slaughtered by the half illiterates on this show.
We relive personal highlights with Kathy, Rosie, and their family, along with the only scene of this entire season, where simple moral analysis relating to Joe and Teresa’s criminal escapades was intelligently articulated… by Mama Pierri. Spoken truth is one of Teresa’s triggers, so she leaps up and shuffles to the bathroom, while Nicole notices how beautifully her pageant dress drags along with her. They continue to yammer about the ‘inappropriate’ nature of actually stating basic truths on a reality show comprised mostly of overacting posers.
Teresa is rambling incoherently, and I am wondering if she has figured out that she has mistakenly stumbled into the reserved space that is Bobby’s designated safe zone.
We see Jacqueline and sweet Nicholas, and Dina describes the unique bond with her nephew as a genuine and loving relationship with a photograph. The broken relationship between Jacqueline and Dina is rehashed, and Dina is irked because her sister in law made the poor decision to return and trespass on her not so zen, and probably ugly turf. Graduations, engagements, and weddings are examined, and Dina is peeved that everyone can’t just shut it and fake nice for Lexie, who is evidently her one and only concern. From what I can tell, Dina has taken a break from her funeral planning fantasies just long enough to be disappointed by the snubs of those she is imagining gone.
Rosie espouses the wisdom of Solomon, and comments that if you don’t want your family mentioned, maybe reality TV isn’t the best decision to make, to which I say….AMEN SISTER!! Rosie is over it, and I think she speaks for about 99% of the viewers. I think we should give Rosie Andy’s job. That would cut this dramatic miniseries down to a quick hour and we would be halfway to Atlanta by now.
Joe Guidice and Joey Gorga join the women and after bantering about their lack of hair, they move on to the just slightly more serious topic of the impending Giudice prison sentence. The family describes the hellish experience that it has been, and express love and support wishes for the couple, while Teresa blankly stares at the floor…or maybe at her beautiful dress. It looks like things finally heat up next week, and I am truly hoping that the Dina show is over!