Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Secrets Revealed

Whelp…I guess my work is not yet done…it’s “Secrets Revealed” week on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” and I’m a little frightened, considering the seedy info that has already been uncovered.  We are flashing back to a kinder and simpler time in Housewives Jersey…pre Motherf*cker Gate, and before Bravo’s favorite office art piece ‘The Clump’ was even an inspiration.  The wives are headed out for a girls weekend to Atlantic City, and it’s going to be a laughter filled chick fest. The entire first chunk of this episode should have stayed a secret…all of the women are surfing the crimson wave…YAAAYYY!   The female coincidence brings delighted squeals and amused moans, and uber girlie bonding occurs.  They are all thrilled to announce to all of America that they are not yet in menopause..CONGRATS to all!  We see them pouring themselves into their trashiest JLo wear, and Teresa is decked out in the most hideous shoe boots I have ever seen.  They hit a restaurant, and Amber is ready to tie one on. We are introduced to her Russian hooker alter ego, Alanna, and I am trying not to let my imagination wander too far. I like Jim, but not THAT much. Amber is proclaimed a Housewife gone wild, but at least she’s fun, and honest.

Next we find ourselves at the Giudice mansion and Joe is in charge of taking care of the girls for the weekend.  Teresa reminds us that he can handle making hamburgers….notice the caregiver competence everyone!  Milania jumps on the phone to call her mama, and the camera zooms in on Teresa’s cookbook propped up carefully in perfect camera position.  We are reminded that Milania is high maintenance and cute… and all of that rascally darlingness seems to nauseate Gia and Gabriella. She takes after Teresa and Joe, which comes as absolutely no surprise. 

Back in Atlantic City, the gals are getting ready to gamble, and everyone but the twins hits the casino. The twins are miffed that no one understands that ghetto beauty takes time, and express that they are peeved to be left behind. Amber thinks that they are overly intense, and storms off to bang her head against a slot machine.

Back at the Giudices, it’s time to pick up dog poop, eat popcorn, and acutely observe Joe possibly being sober.

The women head to their burlesque lesson and all I can think of is sister housewife Brandi Glanville and her sidekick pal, Tampon String.  I am hoping for the best, but I’m inwardly cringing. Teresssa is deeply threatened by Melissa’s well known stripper prowess…but no worries, becauseMelissa hides her inner bad girl and overcompensates by dancing like Elaine on Seinfeld. We are back in the suite, eating sweets, and reflecting back on the first encounters between the women.  Dina is labeled as a boring ice princess…NAILED that. It’s worth mentioning that Teresssa’s hair in her talking heads looks like it was done by Milania on her worst low maintenance day. Teresssa is shoved into a life sized cannoli costume at her husband’s restaurant and it is the most flattering outfit she has worn all season.

The Marcheses, Nicole and Bobby are on a double dinner date back in the day when Jim and Bobby were bosom buddies. Bobby blathers an adolescent toast, and we hear all about what turns him on.  It makes me shudder…and I don’t think that was the effect Mr. Sexy was going for.

Dina, Teresa, and Kathy are meeting for lunch, and Kathy asks Teresa if she would write a blurb for the back of her soon to be released cookbook.  Teresa doesn’t know what p-o-r-t-a-b-l-e means so she comes armed with large and clunky dictionary, ready to give Kathy a piece of her mind about the tongue in cheek, but oh so appropriate gift of words that Kathy gave her at a family Christmas dinner.  It was a snarky but somewhat brilliant choice by Kathy.  Kathy reminds her that it was a lighthearted joke and that it’s a compliment to ask her her write a b-l-u-r-b for her book.  Teresa decides that the pocket sized gift of vocab makes it simply impossible for her to dictate a few correctly spelled words of support for her cousin.  Teresa whips out her clever and much mirror rehearsed line exclaiming that ‘bitch’ is spelled K-a-t-h-y.  She looks proud to have pulled that off.  Isn’t felon spelled T-e-r-e-s-a?  I believe that is c-o-r-r-e-c-t.

 

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