Below Deck Recap: “Dry Land, Damp Eyes” [Season Finale]

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Below DeckJump aboard,mateys, because this is our last cruise with the tug!

We begin where we left off — ashore, semi-drunk, and bitchy. Amy and Kate are still hating on each other, so it’s an awkward taxi ride back to the tug. The next morning, Ben is trying to make the last charter positive by talking to Kate about how Amy has a better attitude than her. Eddie‘s pissed because Kat is still sleeping it off. Jennice is in love with Kelley. Kelley is just tired. Five days till he gets to see his dog. Kate tells Amy she can take a shower. Amy looks like Kate just slapped her.

Last cruise, and who is it? Penis Towel Man. This means Ben has to adhere to the schedule. This means Kate has to be nice. Captain Lee doesn’t care what that takes. **wink** **wink**

Commercial time! I hate this time of year. I get suckered into watching commercials for movies that scare me. Why don’t they just say, “This is a scary movie. If you like this crap, come to the theater.” Some girl was flossing her teeth and her mouth got sewn up! What kind of thing is that to show me when I’m already upset about Jennice heading to the curb?

Back on board, Kelley says Kat is a cancer. Eddie complains to Kate about Kat. Kat claims she’s going to smile and “get into character.”

Out at sea, the whole crew is waiting for Penis Towel Man’s arrival since he seems to be allergic to docks. This time, he’s coming aboard via dingy. Kate thinks this whole charter is about the “Let’s catch Kate not smiling challenge 2014.” She also thinks the Sun revolves around the Earth, and that her ass is cake. Actually, it’s just a gay party. Penis Towel Man has brought only men this time, and one is wearing matching board shorts with him. So Kate is finally happy! She knows how to relate to gay men! Be bitchy!


Below deck, Jennice is sitting at the kitchen table crying. She doesn’t know what’s she’s going to do. Amy comes along and tells her that she doesn’t know what to do either and she’s 31. Funny, she looks older. Well, way to cheer Jennice up, Amy! Tell her how little she has to look forward to in middle age.

Dinner time. Will Ben get dinner served on time? Yes! Exactly at 8:30. Now he needs to Kate to serve the darn stuff. He’s getting pissed. He’s left with Amy, because Kate is busy getting kissed by gay men, so when she sees Amy bringing up dishes, she’s pissed. It doesn’t help that from the kitchen to the dinner table, Amy has forgotten nearly everything Ben told her about the Chilean Sea Bass. She makes up some crap about foam but remembers to mention the uni. She doesn’t know what it is — if looks could kill, Kate would be behind bars for murder one.  (For those of you who don’t watch Top Chef, uni is just another way of saying sea urchin, which is just another way of saying “yuck!”) No matter — the men all think Amy is cute for being stupid. But Kate is pissed and decides to run down Amy to Ben with Amy standing right there. Ben is pissed off that “you guys are trying to end this on a bad note.” He’s venting to Kat, whom we all know is the epitome of empathy. Later, Kate complains that she does everything for everyone and still doesn’t get what she wants. “Respect, proper timing…” Kat tells Kate that it’s not her fault, it’s Amy‘s fault because she can’t take constructive criticism. Amy goes to Eddie and Logan for verbal comfort, since they don’t like Kate.


The next morning, the guests want the dreaded slide and they’re ready to play in the water. But Kate is ready to sit Amy and Kat down and apologize to Amy. Even though it sounds, like b.s., Amy accepts her apology. Not to be outdone, Jennice ropes Kelley into a discussion. We all know how much men love discussions. It’s probably their most favoritest things to do next to having a their teeth pulled without anaesthesia. Kelley blows Jennice off like a piece of flotsam. He needs his space. He’s not ready for commitment. He needs to be alone right now. I’m so surprised.

Below Deck

During the interstitial, the deck janitors are talking about duck penises. Or is that peni? I’ve never had to deal with more than one. Anyway, it seems ducks have big ones. Good thing this tub is being put up for the season because it seems the crew have run out of things to say and do.

Final dinner of the season. The guests want a disco party, so Kate has everyone dress up like tacky jungle people. Ben gets the dinner out on time, and everyone loves the crap he makes. Time for the dance party! “Who doesn’t like leopard print and sequins?” asks Kate. We don’t know, because we don’t get any scene’s of the dance party. We cut to the next morning, and Ben oversleeps. The guests are already up and waiting for breakfast. He bangs it out in 15 minutes and he’s so happy he’s thanking God.

Amy asks Kat what she’s going to do, and Kat is barely looking at her, but Amy takes that as a sign of friendship. I can’t tell.

Final approach to the dock, and they manage to park the tub without hitting anything. The guests leave, and they’re all happy. What a bore. Zzzzzzzzz…

Tip time: $16,000. Time for the Captain to sum things up and says they we’re all bitching and whining through the season so he got them all pacifiers. Ben tells everyone he has to fly out, so he says goodbye to everyone. Ben says it’s tough and now he’s telling us how hard it is leave everyone that he didn’t really seem to care about. Oh. He also tells us that “Kat is always going to have a crush on someone, and in this case it’s going to be me.” That’s what I like about Ben. He’s so modest.

They go to dinner. That’s a bore. The next morning, they’re packing. That’s a bore. They tell us how they feel. That’s a bore. Kat and Amy hug. That’s a bore. Eddie and Captain Lee hug. That’s a bore. I need coffee.

Goodbye, Mateys!  Till next yachting season, don’t get dry rot!


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