“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” begins this week with an icy blast of TRUE reality with a snippet of news coverage from October 2nd, the Giudice sentencing day. It’s finale night, and this opening does cast a fitting shadow of shame over the episode, as we head into the last week of a snoozy but seedy season. We backtrack six months and the Giudice kids are having fun, frolicking with their Gorga cousins. The whole scene is shrieky and frantic, and all I really gleaned from it is that Joe obviously learned his drunken gymnast skills from his kids. Teresa is sharing her outlook on life..that it isn’t all peaches and cream, ya know, things happen, not every day is gonna be smooth…ummmm YES…especially six months from now! I keep getting distracted by the enormous cupcake pyramid on the counter.
We now find ourselves at the New Jersey version of Buckingham Palace, where the Ladybug charity event is being held. We meet Abbey, who owns the house, has dogs the size of ponies, and obviously shares a stylist with Vicky Gotti. They all discuss the guest list, decide that Teresa has shady taste in friends, and determine that Bangs Gotti is out. Later we hear that Jim is not attending either…so exactly how is this supposed to be fun? One of the horse-dogs passes gas on Dina, then gazes at the camera, knowingly proud. We shift to an oddly flower covered Marchese living room, where Amber is getting her first haircut in five years, to symbolize her long awaited freedom from cancer. The hairdresser cuts off enough to provide a wig for another patient, and it is emotional and encouraging for the whole family. YAY Amber!
LIGHTS….CAMERA…. that’s right…we are officially at the completely BOGUS Gorga mansion groundbreaking scene. As of July 1st 2014, Joe or Melissa Gorga had NO construction permits filed, according to to the Borough of Franklin Lakes Construction Department. Sooo…just close your eyes and pretend we are on the back lot of some low budget Lifetime movie. ACTION! Melissa is excited that Joe has once again pulled off making a crapload of play money so that they could land these sweet roles as rich folks, so she launches into her trademark camera booty shake, hair fling, and teeth flash. Some classic and always icky Gorga sexual innuendo is thrown in for good measure, to remind us for the millionth time, that they are supposedly constantly in heat. Oh and in case we forgot, all Melissa REALLY wants is health, contentment, love, family, a backhoe…and maybe enough real cash to pay the backhoe rental, and the guy who has to fill in the hole. CUT!
The Ladybug event is almost here and Dina, the event planner and avid clearance aisle decorator, has kicked into high gear, pulling things together like she did in her failed HGTV glory days. Teresa arrives and she and Dina drone on about how things haven’t been settled with the twins, blah blah blah…maybe something will happen, and by this time I am actually hoping so, because this episode is zenning me into a coma. Where is Jim Marchese when you need him?
The big night is here, and the guests begin arriving. Amber shows up and she looks great with her new hairdo. We flip to the twins and their parents driving to the event, and once again all of the yammer is about Teresa and her evil plot to destroy their family. They arrive with the shindig in full swing. Nicole is wearing a trademark 2009 Kim Kardashian castoff, Teresa is in a borrowed number from Gia, and the room is a sea of bad extensions and spray tans. The kids strut in a cute and colorful fashion show. Amber decides to try and make peace with Rino….why??…and Rino wonders if Amber really knows who she’s married to. I believe that YOU Rino, are the one who forgot that one, and we can throw in another select family member too!
Then right on cue, Teresssa…NOT Teresa, brings up Motherfu**ergate and they finally face off about her role in the tacky mess. The predictably positioned cast of women is circled around them, trying to pull off their best mature and aloof side eye poses while hiding that they’re straining to catch every word. The twins flail their arms, nasally bleat, and try to bait Teresa by calling her stupid. She maintains a classy and calm demeanor, and tries not to roll her eyes. THIS is what an innocent Teresa looks like! The two women hug it out and make peace, while the others smile weakly and try to hide their disappointment at the lack of fireworks. Dina begins her nap inducing hostess speech, and the women begin their season ending statements. Teresssa just strokes her hair, Nicole declares that the past few months have been “such another emotional time,” Amber is standing by her dreamboat, Dina is keepin’ it snoozy, Melissa thinks happiness is beautiful, and Teresa is worried sick and crying all the time.
We jump forward again and we are back to October 2nd. The Bravo cameras are working overtime at the various cast members’ homes to catch their first reactions to the sentencing. Kathy, Rich, Rosie, Nicole, Bobby, Amber and Jim are all anxiously awaiting the news, and Joe’s 3.5 year prison sentence, is revealed. The cast waits out the hours as the rest of us did, and finally hear of Teresa’s sentence of 15 months. Predictable shock, tears and expressed concerns follow. As we watch Joe and Teresa leave court, Rosie reads a prayer…I am not sure if she wrote it…but it is beautiful and is read with unselfish sincerity and heart. As we wave good bye to season 6…I can’t think of a better way to end it. Thanks to all of you All About the Tea readers who hung with me with these recaps…through the boring, trashy, and VERY real. It’s been fun!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.