Hello, Beloveds! Could anyone clue me into when the last Ed Hardy was considered cool? Just asking.
“You are the leader!” screams the Preachers of L.A. theme song. All I can say, if these guys are leaders, where in a shiteload of trouble!
Let’s start with Ron and Jay cruisin’ in Ron‘s Bentley, creepin’ through the hood. They’re touring Ron‘s old stomping grounds because gang members are easy prey for charlatan preachers. Crips and Piru – poor guys who just can’t get a job. Ron mentions something about Hebrews. It wasn’t worth rewinding. Honkey Jay is preaching to some street kid. You know if the camera wasn’t there, he’d be getting a real ass-whoopin’ right about now. They decide to leave the poor kids and go have some “dope barbecue.” Nice to be rich.
Dietrick‘s hangin with a preacher named Timothy, who looks like the guy from that band that had that hit song by re-recording some old song for that cartoon about the big green ogre. You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout. The guy says he’s 49, and he’s a virgin. “What a catastrophe, to have walked through life without feeling the touch of woman’s lips,” Dietrick tells us. Yeah. I guess he’d be pimping for that Jesus, dude, too. I think he was a virgin. Dietrick is pissing and moaning about poor Timmy not getting laid. We all know how much Dietrick likes to get laid. Spiritual advisor. Adulterer. Keeper of a Baby Mama. Enough said. I think I’m gonna be sick. People actually trust this guy and listen to him? I don’t get it, Beloveds!
“Two meat, chicken links and ribs!”- that’s what Jay‘s ordering at Bludso’s B-B-Q in Compton to show he’s got street cred. Cut to Ron telling us about Rick Dogg, who “was ruling a dozen and didn’t have no cousins.” Let me translate as best I can. He ran a gang. Now he’s straight, though, and Ron‘s taking the credit. Seems he helped Rick Dogg when he was helping Moppy. I wish I had a street name. Anyway, I digress. Jay knows the hood ’cause that’s where he bought his drugs from back in the day. You know, before he got that internet preaching license? So, he and Ron are gonna save all the gangs members in L.A. How’s that for a plan? Yeah, I won’t hold my breath either. Anyway, Rick Dogg’s job turns out to slinging ribs – he’s the waiter. He’s not robbing people anymore, but with that Bentley, it sure looks like Ron is still sticking his hands in other people’s pockets.
No good commercials this break. Just a lot of junk no one needs to buy. I’ll give you the down lo’ when there’s something good up for sale.
Wayne and Myesha, the sex-crazed couple that can’t refrain from talking about it till the cameras are off – how proud their parents must be! – are walking hand in hand down the street. Who walks in L.A.? Guess they had to park the SUV somewhere and hoof it. Wonder where they’re going? Oh, to a restaurant to meet Tim. You remember. Dietrick‘s virgin friend. Seems Wayne is planning a sex revival so he wants Tim to come speak to single people about not getting it and while he tells the married people are to heat it up. Ah, so many worthy causes in this world, so little time….
Let me see if I can describe the look on Wayne and Myesha‘s faces when Tim, the Pastor, tells them he’s single and still a virgin, which would seem about right for a pastor who’s not married, correct? Okay. The look is like a cross between smelling a skunk, and seeing Joan Rivers – today. Not when she was alive. And they both pull that same look. And Myesha pulls it again when Tim says he’s never even kissed a woman. Wayne tells us he’s praying for Pastor Tim to kiss a woman. Seems like something worth praying for, right? I mean, Tim seems like a happy guy. But that’s not good enough for Wayne, I guess. Wayne decides he’s gonna pimp for Tim.
Cut to Bishop Ron riding in a Ferrari. Pretty sure that’s a Ferrari. Does he rent these cars or own them? I think Jesus had to borrow a donkey when he rode into Jerusalem to get crucified. Check me on that because I haven’t finished reading the Bible yet, ok? Oops, I digress again. Ron is meeting with some guy named Bobby, who’s supposed to be some kind of leader in the gang community. His sister is a Blood and she’s married to a Crip. It’s like L’il Juliet and Romeo Dogg, right? Anyway, he can’t seem to do anything for his sister but thinks Ron can.
“Saved, Sanctified and Sexual” is the name of Wayne and Myesha‘s event at which they will be serving mocktails. They’ve got a sex educator to talk to the married couples about sex because heaven knows, if you’re married, you know nothing about sex. The sex educator is a creepy, wrinkly, dyed-blonde who has brought sex toys with her that she’s says are not “garbage.” Wow. I can see this happening at the Garden at Gethsemane, can’t you? Back to the sex educator. Seems she has a vibrator that –“do do didley dah do do” — that’s the music that comes in to block out what she’s telling Myesha and Wayne about the dildo. Oh, sorry. Not a dildo. It’s a not “garbage” “sex toy.” I’m so distracted by the old white woman sex educator’s look. She’s got the long hair and she’s thin, so from the back, you might think she was young. Then you see the face, and she looks like the Crypt Keeper. Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat! Would you take sex advice from a double-bagger? I wouldn’t. Wayne claims Myesha appeared shocked at what she saw on the table because “she hath need of nothing but me. What can I say?” TMI, Wayne, TMI. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t even want to think about what Alistair Begg and his wife Susan are doing. That’s like imaging your Mom and Dad. Can Wayne and Myesha get any more inappropriate?
Tim, the virgin pastor arrives, and doesn’t even want to look at the table. I’m beginning to think that Pastor Tim is the only real pastor on this show. Ugly old woman tries to chat him up, but he’s smarter than that, and leaves! Good for you, Tim. He’s just fine ministering to singles to let them know that the ways of abstinence won’t kill you. Wayne and Myesha leave soon after, and Wayne says, “I’ve never been so excited about a conference! I mean, I feel the spirit!” Myesha agrees, of course. Myesha thinks Tim has a “perspective” she “hasn’t heard before.” I guess that translates to “I never heard about keeping your panties up.” Not sure.
The sex conference starts. A lot of people in the audience look nervous. Singles are dismissed to go downstairs, and the married folks are meeting elsewhere. Tim talks to the singles, while the sex therapist is telling the marrieds she’s an “AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist.” Yeah. It’s a real organization with a website and everything: “Field experience and practical application of skills and competencies carried out under trained and approved supervision or consultation are crucial aspects of certification.” Okay. So, basically, you’re talking about a bunch of people who can’t get laid otherwise making this their life’s vocation. I get it.
Ms. Certified Sex Therapist is going to talk about “touch, kissing, a range of things…” but you know what? If you’re married and it’s not happening, it’s not happening because you’ve got other problems, like the rent. It’s not because you don’t know how to kiss. Cryin’ out loud! (“‘Xcuse me while I kiss the sky,” or in the case, pray to the porcelain god!) I’m going to go downstairs and hang with the virgin. Ooops. He says he’s a virgin and the audience’s collective jaws are dropping and they’re looking at him like he’s “got lobsters coming out of his ears.” (Hat tip: Gene Sheppard.) Amazing. Upstairs, no one’s shocked. Downstairs, they’re getting their world rocked.
We’re only half-way through the show. Feels like a lifetime, don’t it?
Well, back from commercial break and the worm has turned. Downstairs, Pastor Tim is getting cheers and applause! Upstairs, old white woman is skeezing people out, talking about how baby’s put everything in their mouths. Yeah. We get the sub-text lady. Hand me the barf bag, please. It’s so quiet upstairs you can hear a pin drop. Everyone looks depressed. Downstairs, everyone looks happy. A great conference all around, eh? Thank goodness it’s over.
Back to Ron and he’s meeting with gang lady. The camera’s there so of course she claims wants to change. Oh, by the way, when Ron‘s friend said he had a “sister” he meant it in the spiritual way. This isn’t his relative at all. She just makes good TV. We can tell she wants to change because she’s dressed like a ho. Like, isn’t the first thing you do if you want to change is to keep those puppies restrained in a brassiere? “Don’t let your set back cause you to sit back,” Ron tells her. Well, there you go! Another soul saved! Easy peasy! Next!
Myesha is busy roping in a date for Pastor Tim. Seems her and Wayne, and Tim, and this nice young lady, and Dietrick and Dominique — WTF? Dietrick and Dominique? Can you think of anyone more inappropriate to invite to a dinner with a virgin? Cut to commercial.
Interstitial time: Wayne‘s brother is telling Tim that he’s giving it away a lot, and “most of them, they want a straw inside their juice box.” I can’t unhear that. Seems Wayne‘s family is nothing but Class with a capital K. I wish them “Luck with a capital F. ” (Hat tip: Elvis Costello.)
Ron‘s meeting at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles with someone named Sister Soulja. She says the community needs him. I say if he took all those bucks he’s spending on his fancy lifestyle and bought a franchise and set it up in Compton, and gave all these kids a job, that would be a lot better than him flappin’ his gums at ’em. The gang member’s husband is there, too, and he’s keepin’ it real with Ron, and telling him he’s not changing. I like him. I didn’t get to see how the chicken and waffles looked. I’m disappointed. You know who has great chicken and waffles? Miss Polly’s Soul City Cafe in Memphis. Ate there and it was da bomb! Her motto is, “Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!” Yeah! Check itout when you’re there.
Time for dinner with the adulterer, the baby mama, the sex-crazed couple, the virgin, and set up. Dietrick is wearing what appears to be riding boots. Maybe that for when he’s knockin’ boots. Don’t know. Do know he looks damn silly. Dietrick tells us he can’t keep it in his pants. We knew that already. Last one to arrive is Pastor Tim. His blind date’s name is Ashlie. It’s like the Spanish Inquisition only worse.
Let’s just sum it up with Dominique‘s question to Ashlie: “Since you said you’ve been there before, and say, for instance –hypothetical –you married a virgin, how is it gonna keep your attention when you’ve already experienced it and it’s not as good as you remembered it to be?” Yeah. She asked that. Ho, ho, ho. Ashlie responds in a lady-like way so as to not embarrass Tim who should be pretty insulted by Dominique‘s dumb-ass question. Ashlie says she’s not worried about it. How does Dominique respond? “That’s good, because I would be like ‘mm-mm’ you got some work to do!” Nice.
Now, Myesha decides it’s her turn. “Instagram or Twitter?” “Steak or Chicken?” “Lemonade or soda?” “Long hair or short hair?” “Butt or breasts?” Uh, yeah. Myesha tells us that she thinks she’s knows how to “drive a conversation…” well, she just drove this one off the edge of the cliff! At least Ashlie and Tim show some class and say it would be nice if she visited his church. **Phew!** Word on the web is that Pastor Tim will be part of the new “Preachers of Detroit” show.
End of show. I’ve got to go take a very hot shower now with lots of antibacterial Dial. C U on the flip side!