Below Deck Recap: Premature Corkulation [Episode 10]

Take off your shoes and come aboard! It’s the night before charter, and Kelley asks Jennice to join him on a date. Be kinda lonely if he went alone. First, Jennice has to go through torture and borrow a dress. (I don’t think she owns a strapless bra.)  And off they go, round the clubhouse turn…we’ll see how who wins and who places in a  few, but first, our guests.

Seems a pretentious nut has rented the boat for him and his “students,” and he would like sea cucumber ovaries, please. Are they even in season?

Back on dry land, we find Jennice and Kelley are evenly matched in the conversational arts department as they exchange witty bon mots over chilled champs.

ROTFLMFAO!! Not! They can barely speak to each other. They should have asked for conversation starters rather than dressing tips form the crew. Never mind. Kelley is definitely man candy and comes over and gives Jennice a sweet little kiss. **sigh** Then, Kelley finally started talking, and he’s either get the best rap in the world, or he really is that sweet, talking all about his childhood and just making those puppy dog moves. Oh my!

Back on board. so much for taking it slow. We’re left with a shot of Jennice climbing on top of Kelley in his bunk.

Next morning, and word sure travels fast! Kate is telling Kelley she heard he had a “premature corkulation!” First, how would she know? Second, how kind of her to ask? Kelley laughs like a kid and answers her, “It exploded very prematurely.” Uh. whaddup? I dunno and I dunno if I wanna know, you know?

Cut to the guests arrival, and everyone is wearing the same T-shits with iron-on Timothy Sykes logos. He’s the primary guest, Timothy Sykes. Seems he’s one of those “Wolf of Wall Street” types without the Leo DiCaprio looks, but a girlfriend as young as Leo likes ’em – she’ only 19. He’s 32. Ah, yes, my friends, run a slightly shifty business model and you, too, can afford to rent a yacht. Oh. Did I mention he helicoptered in? Yes, just like that scene where the moron finace helicopters into his wedding in “It Happened One Night,” while Claudette Cobert is realizing she does love Clark Gable, the scruffy and sexy reporter who won’t “let anyone take” him “for a buggy ride!” (Great movie! Watch is sometime on TCM.)

During the commercial, Bravo is pushing their first scripted series, “Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce,” which basically looks like the train wreck that is Carol Radziwell‘s dating life. Since I’ve had my fill of middle-aged, homely, Skeletor-like women thinking they’re sexy, I’m gonna pass. Then there’s that Matthew McConaughey commercial for Lincoln. I like Matthew. I like Lincolns. But one is smarter than the other, so I’ll have to take the Lincoln. I think it will be a better ride.

Back on board, the 19-year-old girlfriend removes her 5″ platform sandals to come on deck, and we get our first real glimpse of the doughy, 32-year-old day-trading genius that is her man. Or her sugar daddy. Or, whatever. Only know I wouldn’t touch that if he had more money than Bill Gates. And I wouldn’t touch Bill Gates, either. (This is why I’m poor. I only touch men I love, like my dear, sweet husband, the most talented singer-songwriter you’ve never heard of, but they adore him in Buenos Aires, and Russia!)

Our newest crew member, Logan,  gets right in the swing of things and tells us, “Bianca. Pretty name. Guess if you can afford a yacht, you can afford a 19-year-old’s ass, ’cause that s*&t ain’t cheap!” Well, Logan, actually, if you take a closer look, Bianca’s a bit of horse-face, and being 19, I’m sure she’s too stupid to get anything of value out of her Pillsbury Dough Boy boyfriend. I got it! Timothy Sykes looks like Isaac Mizrahi without the hairdo or the charm. Bet this guy can’t make you a dress, Bianca!

First things first, because being an immature 32-year-old millionaire via sketchy methods means that you have to show off and make sure everyone pulls out their laptops and gets to work. I don’t know how much he charged these morons to “learn” from him, but I know it’s some kind of scam. This is obviously how he paid for the yacht. Probably also how he makes his millions – making people pay to learn from him how to make millions. Laughin’ all the way to the bank….

Down in the kitchen with Ben, the camera gets a tight shot of the jar of caviar he is putting on top of the Triscuits, or maybe, they’re Wheat Thins. Don’t know, but I sure as hell know enough about caviar from watching TV to know the good stuff comes in tins and not in clear, glass jars. Who knows where those eggs came from?

Above deck, Kate brings the snackables which are not what I thought. Seems they are salmon citrus muffins with smoked salmon, citrus-paprika cream cheese, and caviar. They look gross. But the Puffy client thinks they’re the cat’s meow, so we know his taste is all in his mouth. He goes down to the kitchen to visit Ben and tells him it’s okay to go the “molecular gastronomy” route, and asks if Ben got the sea cucumber ovaries. Sadly, he did not. Which makes Bianca happy since she did a fake gag at the very mention of them. Bianca likes quesadillas. Like Taco Bell. Jerry Lee Lewis asks for a special romantic dinner for the next night. Well, that’s not fair of me. Where Jerry Lee Lewis lived, marrying a 14-year-old was legal.

Like the pretentious twit that he his, little Timmy Sykes wants his internet, and he wants it now. Mr. Genius who’s good at scamming people doesn’t know so much about the internet. He asks Captain Lee to fix it, and wants to know if it’s satellite internet, as if that would help the bandwidth. Buzzz! Wrong question, dummy! Every real geek knows satellite internet is SLOWER than wi-fi. ROTFL! I may be poor, but I know things!

Why do the have a slide on a glam yacht? Tacky, dontcha think? They put it up for the little girl to use, while the day traders are cussin’ up a storm because the slow internet is causing them to lose out on trades. Little Timmy swears he’s “gonna f*&^%$g kill someone!” Well, I bet he would if he wasn’t so out of shape.

Ben walks Timmy through the dinner menu, and you can tell that he doesn’t actually care for this stuff, but has watched enough cooking shows to know he’s supposed to like it, so he pretends he’s thrilled. Meanwhile, what to do about a problem named Bianca? What will she eat? Well, Timmy has an idea. “Just leave out the uni and escargot on hers.” Gordon Ramsay would be proud.

Jennice is on anchor watch at 12 midnight, It seems she not only has to watch the anchor. She also has to watch the wind, and the sheets, or something. Oh, she’s late for watch too, but doesn’t apologize.

In the morning, Ben is planning ahead for dinner service. He has to feed the dupes at the same time as he has to whip up the romantic dinner. He tells Kate he wants her and Kat to serve the dupes, while he wants Amy to serve Woody Allen and his girl dinner. Kate doesn’t think Amy can pronounce the dishes, Ben doesn’t think Kate has the right attitude to serve a romantic dinner. Kate complains to Kat, who of course, agrees with Kate. Guess Kat hasn’t noticed Kate‘s snotty attitude at all during these past weeks? Or is she just a natural-born ass-kisser?

Above deck. Bianca is watching Logan. Logan is watching Bianca while polishing the grill. He can’t believe she’s with Timmy. No one can believe it.

Ben informs Amy he wants her to serve romantic dinner, which the Chief Stew (meaning head waitress Kate) is technically supposed to do. Meanwhile, Kate tells Kat she never wants to work with Amy again. Kate then demonstrates for the camera with visuals that “everyone has their own font.” She claims to be the classic Times font, while she tell us that Amy is Comic Sans, which “nobody takes too seriously.” Thank you for the lesson in typography Kate. Could you get back to work now?

Jennice is helping Ben in the kitchen, measuring out 5 grams of sodium alginate. Ben is “chuffed” to be making this fancy, schmancy crap. Amy is throwing rose petals around the romantic dinner table and on the floor. All I can think is, “who’s gonna clean those up when they crushed into the white rug?”

God bless 19-year-olds. Bianca is wearing 5″ heels to have dinner with Puffy upstairs. Remember when you were young and you wore the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times? Those were the days….

Ben tells Amy she did a bang up job. Amy wants to know how to handle Kate. Ben basically says “fuggedaboutit” because they only have one more charter to suffer through. Good advice.

During the interstitial, we get to see more of Kate‘s font personality analysis findings. Seems Kat is Wing Ding. Ben is Informal Roman Italic. Kelley is Broadway. Logan is Tahoma. Jennice is Papyrus. Who cares why.

Back from break. Kat tells us “Kelley and Jennice will probably last 59 seconds after they depart.” Ah, to be so jaded! Uh oh. I typed too fast. Kelley tells big sis Amy he’s no where near ready to get serious yet. Typical. Maybe he could have held off on the boinking part till he was ready to get serious? He’s already telling Eddie how he’s got to get out of this.

Docking the boat and it’s raining. The schmucks are leaving. What kind of tip they’re gonna give? Well, this is a first. Timmy boy talks to the Captain personally flashing a big wad and then peels off the packs telling Captain Lee he wasn’t happy with some things, like the internet. It turned out to be only 500 bucks each. Let the blaming begin. Ben is pissed. Kate is pissed. She hates Amy. Ben defends her. Captain Lee defends her. Kate looks even more pissed.  Seems everyone has to be up at 8 A.M., so they have to stay on board. after dinner. Ben starts having a hissy fit in the kitchen. Time to cut to commercial of course.

Commercial time and poor Robert Downey, Jr. The ravages of drugs make him look older than me, even though he’s younger. Meanwhile, Elie Tahari is making a collection for Kohl’s. Sure. I’m falling for that again. Designer clothes at department store prices? They always turn out to be made in China of really crappy material. Fool me once… Then Olay tries to tell me that if I buy they’re overly expensive water and glycerin, I too will look like the 25-year-old model they use.

Back to the boat, and Ben is punching the posts and pans. Eddie understands because he worked hard and was under-appreciated. Welcome to the real world, Ben. Ben doesn’t go to dinner with the rest of the crew, who decide to discuss how their last charter is tomorrow, but more importantly, Kate feels the need to declare, “I love Amy as a friend, but I would never work with her again.” Amy responds, “Likewise. I don’t understand your mangement style, I don’t agree with it.” To which Kate retorts, “I can tell you don’t understand it.” Well, there goes the dinner party. Kate tells us it’s
not exactly the happy family dinner like I had imagined.” Okay. So you imagined that dissing Amy in front of everyone – except Ben who’s hitting kitchen items back on board – was going to be a happy thing? Wow. Way to read people, Kate.

Ah, well, one more episode. One more chance for Kate to prove to us she’s human, and one more chance for her to make fun messages out of towels. Yup, penis towel man is coming back as a guest!  Till next week, mateys!

 

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