Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Drama Comes Back to Jersey [Episode 13]

The vacation is over, and as the inebriated memories fade away, it’s time to move this train wreck back to sweet home New Jersey. “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” opens with a friendly gathering at the Wakile home. The Wakiles, the Lauritas and Rosie are hanging out, and Jacqueline is again mingling with one of the few cast members who has apparently chosen to tell her sister-in-law to shove it with her allegiance demands. Kathy is a courageous pal and a cannoli expert to boot, and Jacqueline is thankful. We flip to Melissa and Amber meeting at a bar, and all I see is LOTS of hair.  They bond over their mutual tendency for puking while driving, and Melissa graciously excuses Amber from having a darling douchey husband.

Melisssa continues to ram her unsolicited opinion on Jim  down Amber’s throat, then launches into her obviously rehearsed and juvenile Marchese commentary in her talking head. Amber smiles through a grimace, but loves Jim for the cute little warrior that he is. The women agree that they are happy about their restored friendship, but their squealy delight appears extremely phony.

Back at the  Wakiles, Nicole and Bobby arrive, and Jacqueline is given the gift of exposure to two different cast members, whom I assume gained written permission from Miss Zen prior to the visit. Bobby shares with the guys that he and Nicole‘s romance began at a corner….I mean counter of a Dunkin Donuts. Nicole expresses disgust at Bobby‘s loser behavior in Florida, but in the same breath tells of her desperate hope that marriage could make it a forever kinda thing. Nicole has heard that Jacqueline is a crazy troublemaker, (ZEN alert) but sits and chitchats with the women about their children and how they all happen to know that criminal rascal, Teresa Giudice. Nicole believes herself to be an excellent judge of character, and Jacqueline is passing her rigorous, 3rd grade standards with flying colors.  Nicole then decides to open up a can of motherfu**ergate, and the plucky music and snarky talking head reactions are cued. They all screech about the injustice of the nasty rumor, assign childish nicknames to Vicky Gotti, and declare that all tri-state area gossip is Teresa’s fault. Bravo’s most glam inmate is in the middle of the longest terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ‘day’ of her life…at least in REAL time.

The twins are shopping for dresses for the Ladybug event to ease their sordid, gossip induced, devastation. They try on a series of hideous and sleazy pageant gowns, and a HUGE ongoing question in my mind has been answered. This MUST BE  where Bravo scores their trademark gaudy Reunion show prom dresses…perhaps a kickback for a tacky Bravo shout out. We switch gears to find Dina meeting Teresa and Amber in a haunted house inspired, bordello chic, day spa.

Melissa shows up and answers what sounds like a snoozer of a phone call from Teresssa while Teresa, who is wearing a rock hard helmet of ginormous hair, squeals like a runaway piglet when the speaker is turned off.  I would PAY Melissa to turn off Teresssa’s nasal bleating, so I am happy. The Rino Report is rehashed for the millionth time, and Teresa finds the brouhaha silly. Dina swears on  her Home Goods credit card that Teresa’s clean name will not be soiled in Dina’s presence, because she saves those convos for when Teresa’s not around.

Jim and Amber are meeting at a stable with a photography team for a photo shoot designed to encourage mastectomy patients to feel beautiful. Amber poses topless with her Rapunzel hair covering her breasts, and she looks lovely.  She shows off her mastectomy scars proudly as victorious war wounds, and with Jim cheering her on, it is a truly inspiring scene. YOU GO AMBER!

Teresa and Gia are getting pedicures, then a giggly, awkward conversation about birth control, meant to reveal their special mother/ daughter bond ensues. Gia shares her feelings by rolling her eyes.

The evening of the restaurant food tasting has arrived, and Teresssa describes the event as “a celebration on like an embark of a new venture.” Nicole, Bobby, and the twins’ parents show up, and I am immediately uneasy. Dina thinks that it would be in Rino’s nature to JOKE about boinking his mother in law. Say WHAT?? Nicole has broken out her best JLo look for the occasion, and Teresssa is just excited to have a positive, rumor free night.  However motherfu**ergate is Dina and Melissa’s favorite topic, so they approach Teresssa about her questionable level of zen toward Teresa.Teresssa thinks she is owed an apology, because Teresa chose to share the rumor with a certain peace loving poser who blabbed it to the world.  Vicky Gotti is let completely off the hook…maybe because she’s a gangster and everything?  Every time the camera flashes to Teresssa when she’s quiet, her expression appears deeply sad…or am I just imagining it?  The twins’ dad toasts to how well Rino carries himself.  Holy CRAP…you can’t write this stuff.

Nicole is house hunting because she’s tired of sleeping next to her parents’ washer and dryer in their basement. Bobby is along for no apparent reason, other than a maybe possible engagement that might happen sometime.  Nicole actually has a flash of wisdom when she expresses that her priorities are herself and her sons.  Go with that instinct, Nicole!

Dreamboat Jim pulls a romantic whammy and surprises Amber with a dinner at a gallery, displaying the gorgeous photographs from the shoot. It is  heartfelt and emotional.  The lovey dovey mood crashes like a lead balloon when the scene abruptly shifts to a shot of Dina’s icky hairless cat.

Melissa and Dina are meeting to discuss the upcoming charity event and Teresa shows up, ponytail firmly in place, bearing sprinkle ladybug cookies. Dina uses concern about ticket sales as an excuse to butt her beak into the middle of the now seriously overblown issue between Teresssa and Teresa. Teresa expresses that the whole thing is ridiculous, given the crapstorm she’s already in, while Melissa throws the camera some major side eye.

Teresa reminds Dina that she shared the nasty tidbit in confidence and it was her big yapper that has caused all of the problems. In my opinion, Teresa should be PISSED at Dina...and I agree with her when she refuses to be manipulated into a potentially bad scenario. Melissa preaches that Teresa should apologize, but I am cheering Teresa on…WHAT?? Curse you, Dina!! Teresa is RIGHT??  I am imagining Bangs Gotti laughing her butt off, while a smirking Rino carries himself oh so gracefully, into the clear.

 

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