Is this an omen? No title for this show? Really? How bad can it be that no one decided to call it something – anything. Like “The More You Cry, The Less You Pee.” See, it’s not that hard to come up with a show title.
Now that I got that off my chest, on to the show, beloveds. We open in Noel and Loretta’s house. It is Noel and Loretta’s house, right? Well, maybe it’s Noel’s house, and he lets Loretta call it home? It’s too confusing for me since they’re really good friends but I don’t hang with my friends as much as these two hang out. By the way, Loretta’s sporting the short wig this episode. You know, the Louise Brooks looking one. It’s the one that looks like she needs a fringed dress, a head-band and a cigarette holder to be wearing. Oh, and one of the leg flasks, you know, to keep your hootch close to your cootch? Noel, on the other hand, is sporting a look from the ’80’s — wearing his Dwayne Wayne flip-up shades indoors. Funny, it doesn’t look any more cool now than it did then. I believe their mixing fancy drinks like their own in-house tiki bar party. Hello? It’s 2014!
Okay, on to the real issue. It seems Loretta’s birthday is fast approaching and she wants to celebrate it in some special way, most likely because at her age, there won’t be that many more. She tells Noel to throw her a party. Noel tries to squirm out of it, but relents. Noel also throws in a gift, but he tells her, “You got enough rings.”
Myesha has been putting up Wayne’s mama for three whole weeks now. This woman needs to join the state department because in a the most diplomatic, round-a-about way, she tells Wayne he needs to sort this out now. Oh, and the Caleb thing. Seems they had different fathers, so they don’t really know each other, but now he’s got to find out what’s going on. When Myesha offers to schedule the meet up, Wayne says no thanks, but that he’d like to schedule something else. Myesha says, “Everything becomes a sex scene.” Didn’t he have a vasectomy last week? Shouldn’t that work like a dog who’s been fixed? I dunno. Just seems to me you can say that shite off camera, if you follow my drift.
Ron is helping some ex-con get his life together, and Loretta reminds us that it can be a difficult thing, adjusting to society. Real meaning? It can be difficult thing living without stealing and lying and all, or whatever he did that put him away that he now has to stop doing. For most of us, it’s called getting a job. Yeah, it’s boring. I wasn’t singing a happy tune when I was unpacking bathing suit shipments at K-Mart and having to put them on those tiny hangers, and attach the price tags, and hang them on the standees. (Did you know that’s what they call those racks?) Anyway, Loretta tells him to find him a place in the ministry as if there aren’t enough hustlers running that joint. While he’s working out, Loretta tells him, “You are strong! Like Hercules!” and Ron responds, “That’s what you said last night!” I dunno. Just seems to me you can say that — oh, am I repeating myself?
Maybe they should change the name of this show to “Sex-starved Preachers of L.A.?”
Back to Wayne and he’s meeting up with Caleb at his recording studio. Does that mean it’s a studio Caleb rents because he thinks he’s a talent, or is it his studio where he thinks he’s laying down the tracks for the next Chris Brown? We don’t know. We do know that he was bothering with his Mama for some inane reason, since he doesn’t even want her near his son. Yeah. Son. Caleb has a son. Moving on from that bombshell, Wayne is never around to hear Caleb’s side. Wayne complains that only Mama comes to him. Caleb keeps saying he don’t care, but Wayne keeps in his face about his Mom, to which Caleb rightly replies, “I don’t want to talk to YOUR Mom.” Well, there you have it folks. Mama’s the problem here, playing half-brother against the other. Case closed. Everybody move on, there’s nothing to see here. But Wayne won’t let it drop as he should and goes in for the sucker punch. “Are you sober right now?” Boom! First, let me say Caleb looks and speaks mighty sober to me — he’s just pissed. Second, that’s an underhanded passive-aggressive way to try to get the upper hand. When Caleb points out that he’s dissing him by even saying that, and asking what that means, Wayne, the man of God, says “You’re talking over me. You’re not making sense.” Caleb gets disgusted and walks away like a man.
Man, that was only the first 15 minutes of the show! By the way, what’s this new show called, “Nail’d It?” A claw-decorating competition? I’ll have to check it.
Back from the commercial, Wayne is still trying to get airtime by chasing down Caleb. Caleb tells him he never hit “your mama,” and doesn’t want anything to do with her. This whole time, there’s been another dude standing with them, and the producers finally let us know via a caption that this is yet another brother, named Dietrick. And, he’s chill just like Caleb. Caleb tells Wayne that if wants to fix this family, he needs to come around more. But Wayne tells us that he’s just too busy with his speaking schedule and all. I mean, he’s not just hustlin’ on a Sunday. He’s running all over to pocket the silver whenever he can! Man’s got to make a living, right? Caleb says, “We’ll see what happens.” This guy knows it’s all b.s. and Wayne hasn’t done nothin’ and isn’t gonna do nothin’.
Did I miss something. What kind of business is Loretta running? Is that a restaurant? Let me tell you one thing, child, it’s tacky from what we can see. Just wonderin’ because the cat drags in Omarosa, you know, the most hated woman in reality TV according to her. She’s dressed to the nines and says, “Just cause you’re a preacher don’t mean you have to dress like one.” Uh, did I miss something? (Omarosa is a preacher? I tell you all somethin’ — this internet preaching certificate business has got to stop!) Loretta tells her tale of woe. She’s planning “Preach L.A.” which is a lot of work but nobody’s helping her because she’s a ho. On to the real important stuff — Loretta’s birthday. Loretta says she’s getting something that better come in a black box inside of a red box which Omarosa immediately interprets as Cartier. Ah, yes, gold diggers are different than you and I. We’re happy if we get something from the jewelry counter at Costco. Anyway, in gold digger terms, this seems to indicate an engagement ring. Loretta tells Omarosa, “You’ll just have to wait and see!” Yeah. Farmer Noel’s gonna start paying for that milk? I don’t think so!
Cut to Wayne and Myesha discussing the silly family issue. Blah, blah, blah. He doesn’t “want to save the world and see his family fall apart.” So let me get this straight: Wayne is the Savior? Well, now of course that means he doesn’t have time for his family. Just like Jesus went wandering all over the place for years and only sees his mama when he’s dying. It’s tough being the messiah.
At Noel’s house, the place is decorated like a quinceañera — guess he was a) too cheap to go to restaurant and b) hired some guys from the parking lot at Home Depot to come home with him and decorate for a day’s pay. All the girls show up. You know, the same ones who aren’t helping her with with “Preach L.A.” but love them some free food and booze. By the way: Does Loretta wear that wig cause she’s bald? Aren’t they a pain in the butt? Don’t you sweat under that thing? Do you take it off when you sleep? And if you do, what kind of mess is that? Why doesn’t she go for the Lupita Nyong’o look? Just wonderin’….
Fish Lips Christy says some nice stuff, blah, blah, blah. Then we get the teaser with Noel starting to say something to Loretta and we’re meant to believe he’s gonna propose. ROTFLMFAO! I’ll just have to transcribe this word-for-word for you all.
“Loretta Jones, I trust you. And I want your life to be wonderful. Happy birthday, sweetheart. I hope that you will have many, many more birthdays. I’m gonna read a poem here. If my knee hits the ground, you have to bring her some medicine because she will faint. Like the awesome ember of the evening sun ready to die, or the brilliant flashes of a lightening sky, like the miraculous unveiling of a scenting flower, or the quiet majesty of a snow-capped tower, some things cannot be duplicated.” Well, that sucked. Loretta encourages him to stop reading poems and “speak from your heart.”
Here goes nothing. “From the top of my heart, let me tell you what I like most about you more than anything in the world. Everyone around here talks about love, but trust is what i have as it relates to you,” speaketh Noel from the heart.
ROTFLMFAO! That don’t sound like no man wanting to put no ring on no finger to me!! Loretta tells us she’s disappointed. The girls and her go up to the balcony to bask in the feeling of pure gloating that only married women can do to a woman who’s been giving it up for 17 years with no result.
Wayne’s gone back to the studio to talk to Caleb. He promises to be in his life more. He still wants Caleb and his Mama to reconcile. He still thinks God is doing something for them. I think God has enough on his plate, and would like Wayne and his screwy family to be doing it for themselves, don’t you?
Let’s check in with Ron and his ex-con parishioner. Seems he did 8 years in the joint for armed robbery and is having doubts about his ability to stay straight. Well, why doesn’t he just rob people the Ron does, and get his internet preaching certificate? Seems like an easy gig. But Ron has a better plan. Ron’s about as rich as God, so he offers the ex-con to work for free for him in the audio department. Mighty swell of him, dontcha think?
For cryin’ out loud! Wayne’s convinced Caleb and Mama to sit and talk. This ain’t gonna go nowhere fast. Mama starts right in with how he’s disrespectful to her when she’s an angel. Caleb’s not biting. He says, “You’re a good actor.” Caleb then let’s it out: “I remember her looking me in the face and telling me I wish I never had you.” Boom! That Mama is poison. She denies ever saying it but you get the feeling Caleb’s not making it up. He says he’s at the point where it’s over and all he wants is an apology. “I’ve never gotten an apology from her.” Heavy. Mama decides to pull the “I can die any minute” card. Where do Moms learn that shite? Then, this great line from Mama: “All I can tell you Caleb is that I’m here when you’re ready to communicate.” WTF has he been doing this whole time? Damn, woman! Give the boy an apology and let it be! Wayne makes the hug. She says, “I do love you, Caleb.” Well, then apologize, beyatch!
Cut to Ron using the ex-con as free help but for the ex-con’s benefit. He’s preachin’ and Lawrence is running the sound board. I think he should get paid. I get paid when I run a sound board. What kind of b.s. is that? He even tells Lawrence what a great job he did. Well, then pay him. Cryin’ out loud…
Back to Noel’s mansion. Loretta brings him a smoothie. He asks her how did she enjoy the party? She smiles. He says he knows she didn’t get a big gift, but lays this on her: “You know, the real gift in the party was what came out of my brain.” He’s selling it like the Fuller Brush man. Loretta asks him, “Can you trust without loving someone?” He stutters a bit, then decides, “Yeah, of course!” is the best way to dodge that bullet. Loretta girl, you better stop there because I have a feeling you’re not gonna like anything he says next. Move away from the balcony. Slowly.
Noel: “I can trust you and not be, you know, head over heels in love.” Yeah. Let’s let that sink in.
Loretta decides to go for the big move which I bet she’s pulled before and it hasn’t worked but she thinks it will work this time. “I’ll put it to you this way. We’ll see what you do next time, and hopefully, I’ll still be here.” Noel responds with, “You mean I might not be giving you birthday party next year?” and you just know there’s a little party of his own going on inside his head at that thought! Loretta says, “There is a possibility that you won’t be.” Well, unless Loretta’s goin’ fishing for an even more “scared, old man” than Noel, why do I get the feeling that next year will be déjà vu all over again?
We end with Wayne and his Mama appears to be moving out finally? Why she had to come over int he first place, I still don’t know. She thanks Wayne for coming to her rescue. Caleb drops in with his baby boy, and everything’s all peachy keen. See, life is so easy on Reality TV, kids!
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.