Well, first, let throw out the used connie in the room: Ben and Kat were on WWHL last week, and, yes, Kat is still with her boyfriend, but, sadly, Ben is not with his girlfriend. Though, it has absolutely nothing to do with a stained, decorative pillow as the crew calls it — in the real world, we tend to call them throw pillows, but those yachtees have a different word for everything! Kind of like how Ben and Kat have a different word for what they were doing that night in the master suite. Seems they call it nothing. They both denied having “sex with that woman,” so it was a double Bill Clinton moment.
That out of the way, untie the yardarms and move the misen mast, or whatever. Just wake up, please? We see remnants of Kelley‘s birthday party, we see sleeping yachties in the beds, we see sleeping Kelley in bed with sleeping Jennice. Then we see Captain Lee above deck and mad as hell and he’s not gonna take it anymore! It’s 8 bells and all is not well! When will these darn kids wake up? He decides to go around knocking on their doors. He’s a bit tired of the hangover mornings and wants them to get their collective butts in gear.
Kelley has a boo-boo on his elbow from performing the very tricky retching-while-tripping maneuver the night before. The good news is that the Russian judge gave him a 4.9 for execution. The bad news is, he’s not only hungover hurtin’, but hurtin’ hurtin’, too. On the bright side, Jennice is all moony over him now so he can rest his weary elbow on her lap while she polishes the brass. Railing that is. Brass railing.
Downstairs on Tugboat Abbey, the maids are all in a pissy mood because Amy is complaining about how nobody is nice to her. She says Kat and Kate are “making it a high school cafeteria.” Seems she craves warmth from Kate….yes, let that sink it a bit. Warmth. As in friendship. From Kate. Now, get this: She thinks Kat will empathize with her. Empathize….yes. Nothing indicates a person’s capacity for empathy as much as going down on the guy you like. Let’s leave Amy to her bed-making, literally and figuratively, shall we?
Captain calls everyone to the aft deck. Yes, he said “aft,” and not what I that he said at first. Thank goodness for closed-captioning. Anyhow, everyone’s up and spiffy and ready to treat their new guests with the respect and dignity expected of the crew that runs a yacht which costs tens of thousands of dollars to rent. “Is that Snookie?” one of them asks? Sure looks like here, or perhaps they’re just from Jersey. Yes, that must be it. But they decide to give them the benefit of the doubt. How sweet they are. Not a judgmental bone in their bodies.
The guests start eating the munchies, and one dares to ask if the caviar is sturgeon. This leads to Kat having to go downstairs and confirm with Ben, who reminds us that “beluga caviar costs $150” and he doesn’t buy it unless they specifically ask for it. He and Kate both decide that this question means these people have no clue and tell Kat to tell them it’s “beluga from a sturgeon.” Subtext: Ben must have bought some cheap ass fish eggs and they know it.
Meanwhile Captain Lee has his own problem with the lower classes. Seems some little sailboat wants to pull into the dock and won’t get out of his way. He honks at them. The lady on the sailboat yells, “We have the right of way!” Captain Lee gets indignant, lady on boat calls him a “stupid one-percenters” which is the put-down for the Obama age. Captain‘s retort: “F’ing idiots!”
I may have given the guests the benefit of the doubt, as they toast,”Here’s to thug life, drug life, family life, which is the best.” Maybe the crew was right. Maybe these guests are from Jersey. Below deck, Ben has a plan to fill the guests up with heavy food to get them “slothy full.” He’s making grill cheese sandwiches. One of the guests comes to talk to Ben about the dinner tonight, and they decide on lamb and scallops. I know. Gripping TV.
Logan has anchor watch — remember, that’s where someone has to stay awake all night watching the anchor because in this modern day and age, one can only assume that no one has invented an anchor alarm — so he’s sleeping. Eddie tells us that he hopes no one spots the slide and wants to use it because he’s only got Jennice and Kelley. Guess who asks the guests if they want to use the slide? Kat! She makes the request via walkie-talkie to Eddie and he answers, “No.” Oops. Doesn’t Captain Lee hear everything on his walkie-talkie, too? Next thing you know, he’s on deck telling them to get that slide put up. Well, easier said than done for 20 minutes of fun as Eddie puts it. Seems Kelley doesn’t know, or has forgotten how the slide gets set up. Jennice looks lost. Eddie‘s no where in sight. Kelley‘s nursing his elbow. Captain Lee is pissed. Kelley is pissed. Eddie is pissed. Kelley goes below. (Did I mention he told Captain that he hurt his elbow “a few days before” when he “fell on the stairs?”) Captain doesn’t want to see his sorry butt for awhile. He tells Eddie and Jennice that the “three of us will get this done. Tell me how this thing gets laid out.” Yes, funny, even the Captain doesn’t know how to lay out the slide.
After the commercial break — which was really boring, by the way — Kelley is out of his cabin talking to Eddie who is telling him to suck it up and take it like a man, and, meanwhile, the shot of the slide tells me it’ still not set up and it’s sunset! All this sturm and drang and the dang slide is still sitting there like a deflated party balloon. Kelley‘s not too bright when he’s hungover, so he decides to talk to the Captain, who promptly dismisses him and tell’s him to go to his cabin. Uh oh. Just wait till his father gets home!
Next, it’s Eddie‘s turn. Captain wants to see him to ream him a new one over Kelley. The old military move of making Eddie responsible for anything Kelley does. Kinda weird, dontcha think, because I don’t think Bravo gave Eddie the power to fire anyone, do you? So, if you’re not the one who can fire people, how the heck are you supposed to be the one who’s responsible for his behavior? Well, I guess Captain expects Eddie to use the ol’ basic training method of hazing.
The sun’s down, the slide is up. I know. Thank goodness. We were all worried about that, eh?
Now, hidden someplace above deck and not in cabin as the Captain told him to be, Kelley is moaning to his sister, Amy, about how unfair the Captain is being since, after all, it was the Captain that made him drink so much last night and fall on the ground, hurting his elbow, and retching, right? He wants to leave. He’s pouting. I’m just wondering how he got through basic at Paris Island. Was his sister there to “motorvate” him? (Yes, motorvate. It’s an hommage to Chuck Berry.)
Chow time! Sorry, “dinner is served, ladies and gentleman.” Turns out the wife of primary guest who requested the lamb and scallops doesn’t like lamb or scallops and wants something from a “chicken or a cow.” This just proves to Ben that he’s always right about guests. They are low-class. To bring home the point, the editor cuts to a shot of the guest in the wife-beater T, close-up on tatt of Al Pacino in “Scarface.” (If these guests are from Jersey, I’m going to have to move. What’s happened to my nice little state full of Dutch and Germans with good manners but no personality?)
Amy smells blood in the water. Yes. There it is. Logan‘s awake! Fresh meat! Having only known him a few days, she tells us “let’s not jump the gun here.” Meaning, let’s not jump his bones just yet. Let’s give it a week at least.
Mornin’! Wonderful black and white hidden camera shots of people getting out of their bunks in a less then elegant fashion. I guess the editor is hoping for some cheesecake shots with these bits. All I’m thinking is what a bunch of slobs. Can anybody sleep without their sheets ending up in a big knot? The bunk’s only 3 feet wide at best! Homeless people make less of a mess than these guys do.
Breakfast is chicken and waffles. The Mrs. requests that Kate give them “more service.” She wants the endless buffet treatment, a la, Golden Corral. Since the dishwasher is broken, Kate asks us if she can use paper plates? She tells Kat that the guests wants constant attention and to make sure the water glass is never half-empty. Kind of like Kate‘s life. Then Kate goes to Ben and complains. Ben could care less, it seems. Just fill ’em up with more cheese.
Eddie tells Kelley the Captain reamed him, and he needs to step up. They plan to keep Kelley out of the Captain‘s sight, for which Kelley is thankful. Below, the girls are grousing because today is beach picnic and birthday party for the guests. Kat hates picnics. I agree. Really, if you’re renting a big tub for much dinero, why do you want to get off the boat? I think Kat‘s concern is more the fact that she hates hauling all that crap ashore and bringing it back again. Cut to a shot of our less than slim guests goofing around in a giant inflatable dingy in the water.
Interstitial time and take note all of you who are planning on renting a yacht: Bring only dull, respectable underwear because Kat and Kate will be going through your lingerie and laughing at it. I feel so violated. Their particular favorite? The thong that has rhinestones on it saying, “Give me some diamonds.” Kate notes their not even cut-lead glass Swarovski. How gauche can one get?
Now, back to the real action. Kate tells us that she likes yachting and serving Leo DiCapriFo, et al, not Snooki and her friends. She then tells us she doesn’t think she’s snobby. It seems “it takes a sophisticated customer” to appreciate Kate’s special “craft” which is high-end waitressing. She clearly hates these guests because there’s not an eligible rich man in the bunch.
Meanwhile, back on the boat, Amy is setting up party decorations. The guests arrive while she’s still setting up and she apologizes. She’s a bit frantic, has to get cocktails, and get the seats wiped down with Jennice‘s help. Back on the beach, Kate, Kat, and Logan are eating the leftovers, just taking their time. They finally come back, and everyone notes their absence. Kate just notes that Amy‘s decorations are too extravagant. Way to piss Amy off, Kate. Can you feel the love? Finally, Kate helps and brings out the cake. That’s it. Cake. Done. Go to bed. I’ve had better celebrations at IHOP.
Next morning, the boat’s going back in, and the primary guests wants her bags packed. Kat isn’t packing dirty laundry. Way to earn that tip. Someone must have packed it because the next shot is every one leaving the boat.
In the kitchen, the Captain takes the time to remind the crew that “we work for them.” He asks them if they remember that scene in “Pretty Woman” when the store clerks don’t want the hooker in there? Well, he thinks that’s a life lesson for the crew. Seems the low-life Jersey folks left a $20,000 tip. $20,000. That’s about $19, 732 more than the average IHOP waitress makes in three days. Captain hands out the envelops telling them he doesn’t think they’ve earned it. Kelley is the last one — cut to commercial!
It’s another promo for the idiotic “People’s Couch.” Why is it idiotic? Well, if you watch that for your snark, why would you bother reading my recap? Not that I’m saying don’t watch it and only read my blog, but I’m saying, “Don’t watch it and only read my blog.”
Oh, then there’s a commercial for Hugo Boss starring Gerard Butler. Guess he’s needs the dosh. Interesting party fact for your fashionista friends: Hugo Boss was a Nazi and Förderndes Mitglied of the SS. That means he was a founding member. Oh, and he designed those cool S&M black uniforms. He made his money being the official supplier of uniforms for the Nazis. Remember that next time you want to buy something from Hugo Boss.
Now, back to our story. Kelley. Captain makes him sweat for it and but finally hands over his full share. Kelley apologizes. Captain says fine, but prove it to me since “we’ve only got two more charters to go.” That being over with, we transition to Kelley and Jennice up on deck having a deep, deep talk. So deep, Jennice tells Kelley she has feelings for him, and she’s not running away. They snuggle up instead of covering the cushions. Fade to black.
I don’t know about you all, but I’m pooped from this cruise to nowhere! I’ve got to go recover! Ciao for now!