As we head into week three of “Jersey Goes Cut Rate Tropical,” there are many burning questions that need answers…Will Bobby indeed grow a pair…Will Jim break a sweat? Will Dina speak and someone actually care? Will the dirty rumor that all of America already knows ever be officially revealed?
“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” opens right where we left off last week, in the middle of a drunken blubber fest. Jim has morphed from the Romeo Defender of all senior-ish singles, to instigator of all things evil, blasting open secrets left and right, and all with a kinda cute grin on his face. The twins have pried Bobby’s fingers from the bathroom door frame, and he has stormed downstairs to hear Jim out. Jim accuses him of dating some trashy side piece and describes some specific photos. I am thinking, hang on…he’s describing Nicole, but apparently someone has a type, and this is a different trashy side piece. That’s enough for Bobby, who skitters back upstairs to his happy spot by the sink. Amber is having a nervous breakdown, because Jim isn’t following the earlier discussed ‘nice trip’ plan. The sloshed cast is scurrying around, lamenting the evil entity that has invaded their vacation, while Jim blinks, and looks bored.
Amber frantically smokes a cigarette, and acts like she needs a triple dose of Valium. Dina manages to spit out a couple zinger insults in Jim’s direction..and no one notices. They all take turns flinging insults at Jim, and he has had enough. He BLOWS and let’s the sludge fly, accusing Teresssa’s husband of trying to boink Vicky Gotti, with the apparent goal of gaining entry into the Scary Gangster Club, as well as engaging in an ongoing fling with a Russian stripper. Now for the Big Kahuna….Jim blurts out that Rino did the deed with the twins’ mother, aka his mother in law. Everyone acts righteously horrified, but the distress looks forced, and their reactions speak volumes. Moments later, our Jersey Romeo has returned, as Jim talks his inebriated wife through a foot stompin’, blabbering meltdown. He explains that the moment the twins got physical with his lady love, the gloves came off. We are then reminded of the notorious wad of hair that has been the driving force in transforming Jim into the fiendish rascal we see before us. I’ll bet that an image of ‘The Clump’ is framed and proudly displayed in a Bravo office somewhere. Dina tries to interject herself into the havoc and no one notices. Teresssa gasps out one last “I’m ddddone!” for good measure, and the crap storm is finally over.
We now find ourselves in Teresa’s kitchen, and Milania is making the family eggs. As the family go getter, maybe she is plotting to take over Teresa’s empire while she is ‘away.’ Teresa and Joe are planning an evening in the city, and after Teresa mutters to Joe about not ‘going nuts’, she shares with the viewers that they are working hard to keep their family “on a float.” What a relief.
As the sun rises in Boca, and with the filthy haze of the Rino Report still hanging in the air, Teresssa decides to vamoose. Jim is happily making breakfast, as Amber joins Joey, who looks like a pint sized steroid ad, and Melissa by the pool. Jim joins them, and they all chat about the horror of the night before, while Jim chuckles it off as a silly overreaction. Dina saunters out in her most assertive jammie pants, expresses her utter disgust at the sheer audacity of Amber choosing to wear a bikini, and demands that Jim and Amber leave.
Jim and Amber wisely object that Dina is overestimating her importance, but she takes a moment and basks in a brief, but long awaited mini relevance victory. Teresssa peaces out, and Amber expresses hurt that she is being kicked out because of her silly scoundrel hubby, and that the women are being insensitive to the fact that she is there to celebrate being cancer free. I personally wish that Dina had left instead, just to spare me her snoozy, trying too hard, fake zen existence. Now that the most amusing person is gone, it’s time to start getting tanked as they all rehash the night before. Bobby admits to being a skittish bathroom weenie, but Nicole thinks he’s the perfect dreamy combo of amazing and crazy.
Jacqueline and Kathy are having lunch and chatting about the Lauritas’ challenges with Nicholas. They both gush over their fab and funny hubbies, and Kathy shares that she isn’t going to continue to offer unwanted support to Teresa, but Jacqueline vows to be there if she needs her.
After a stomach turning, and obviously forced dialogue about a Joey and Melissa hump session, the Boca crew board a yacht. Lots of hairless orange skin, combined with a ton of free booze is bound to add up to a trashy good time. Bobby is drinking hard to keep up with Joey, and it seems to be the beginning of a beautiful bromance. The weirdness continues when we are treated to an extremely odd series of short scenes involving Bobby and Joey floundering around together in the water and on the beach. There is ocean mounting, simulated CPR, and lots of slurring giggles. Nicole isn’t happy about Bobby’s man love frolic fest.
In case we all missed it last week, the Lauritas are SUPER committed to living within their means. A humble night of a dollar store jigsaw puzzle and hot sex is all this fiscally responsible couple needs. Chris and Jacqueline chat about the non existent friendship between Jacqueline and Teresa, and it is boring and repetitive. We flip to an obvious and intentionally contrasted Joe and Teresa date night at a fancy restaurant. They both blather endlessly about how they love, love, LOVE each other and their children. YAWN. We later see Chris and Jacqueline eating dinner at home, AGAIN discussing their almost sheer hatred of material things. Someone is trying FAR too hard to convince the viewers of their committed and focused financial humility.
It’s dinnertime in Boca, and Nicole is sad that her sister is gone, and her hunk of man is too worn out from his hammered Gorga romp to join the fun. Someone is driving up and SURPRISE…Teresssa and Rino have arrived. Rino launches into the reasons why he gutlessly weaseled out of any interaction with Jim, and how Teresssa isn’t really hurt by the ‘alandish’ remark, but that her gal pals had let her down by repeating it. Rino claims that the “Rino Report” is actually laughably trivial, and that he could share far juicier stories. I believe him..and it’s a tad frightening. Rino pronounces the word ‘outlandish’ about four different ways before he finishes his diatribe, and I think by the end, he has successfully convinced himself.
Bobby emerges from his intoxicated coma, and Joey immediately jumps up and greets him with a hug from behind. It is adorably masculine. I am hoping that we are done with this low budget trash vacay…I never would have guessed that I would WANT to go back to Jersey.