Below Deck Recap: “New Kid on the Deck” [Episode 8]

Rub-a-dub, three crew members in a tub is one too darn many! But I’ll get to that later. Because for now, everyone’s buzzin’ about the new deckhand. I’ll tell you everything you need to know about him: Tall, cute in a boyish, effeminate kind of way, truly dated tribal tat down his right arm, built, and from Oklahoma, where one hears the wind goes sweepin’ down the plain, though, as Vicki Gunvalson pointed out, no one goes to Oklahoma so we can’t prove that cliché. (You didnt’ know your humble correspondent could parlez-vous français, eh? Well, she can because it will come in quite handy if she’s ever on the “Amazing Race” stuck in some third-world former French colony because she can’t use it in France since they all speak English better than she does.) Anyway, his name is, Logan, as in, “Hi, I’m Logan, I’ve got a rockin’ bod.” Unlike his predecessor, he actually seems to know what he’s doing just from the mere fact that introduces himself in an adult-like manner, calls Captain Lee “Sir,” and jumps right into work — and right over to Kate who met him at a yachtee bar where she decided he was gay and they would only be friends.

Now, color me stupid, but instead of having Jennice move into Kat‘s cabin, and letting the new guy be safe and not having to fear the she-wolf drunken man-eater, Logan has to bunk with Kat.

Seems today is only a one-day charter which means in-and-out so they all jump into get ready for a bunch of Irish rugby players. Luckily, Kelley‘s birthday is the next day which means they can all celebrate with him on a day off. Ah, I remember when I was excited to celebrate my birthday. Back then, we’d take the gas lamp and the buggy out to the beach, build a bonfire, and pass around the bathtub gin. Those days are certainly gone….

Amy is sniffing around Logan like a cockapoo sniffing out a Snausage. Seems she’s happy there’s another man aboard and he’s southern! (Does Eddie feel dissed that no one wants to sleep with him? I mean, what is he, chopped liver?) Kelley makes sure Logan knows Amy is his sister.

The guests arrive and unfortunately for Kate, rugby players on a one-day cruise don’t qualify as husband material so she tells us this cruise is for her and who cares what the guests want.

Engines are warming up, the boat’s still tied to the dock, and all of a sudden, the boat lurches forward, bending a pylon and ripping another one out. Gee, that’s not so good. Everyone at the pier is gonna make fun of the morons who bent the pylon and ripped the other one out. Amy has the job of plying the guests with alcohol so they can’t figure out what’s going on. As if they care. What would a rugby player know about a pylon, eh? They’re not seafaring sons of a sea dog like you and me, dear reader.

Captain Lee calls the crew into the, uh, wheelhouse? Yeah, that sounds nautical. Anyway, his first thought is that some moron engaged the engines. He’s such a non-judgmental kinda guy. Anyone else might assume that’s there’s something wrong with the hand brake, or transmission, or whatever those things are on a boat, but not him. Ooooh, he’s mad. He’s gonna find out who did and they will rue the day! They will get fired and even face criminal charges! Ooooh! I’m scared, aren’t you? Nah, not really, because the only ones capable of doing such a thing are far, far away in the mystical land of Montville, New Jersey.

The guests are still clueless, and as Kate says, “Yeah, that makes them like most of our guests.” Gee, I do hope that whomever hires Kate next year has a Rolodex of potential guests have not watched this show.

Finally, they get the heck out of there. What were they waiting for? Just do what I do and leave a note pinned to the pylon with your contact info, for heaven’s sake. Captain Lee wants Kate to make sure the guests don’t know. Again, not sure why’d they’d care one twit. They are there to get drunk for 24 hours straight, not worry about Captain Bly and his rent-a-boat.

Kelley finds it “almost unnerving” that Logan came on and fit right in. Logan does a nifty trick making a figure eight knot with one hand, which doesn’t seem to impress Jennice. He then tries to talk the guys into letting him sleep on the floor in his cabin because we can only assume he doesn’t care for the faint whiff of tuna in his cabin. Jennice finally figures out she’s not one of the boys. Uh, duh.

Meanwhile, Amy is all over Logan like chocolate on a peanut butter cup. So obvious. Cool your jets, girl! Besides, there’s a tacky Mexican dinner planned for the low-life rugby guests, ’cause, hey what difference does it make? They’re just some 24-hour schmucks.  With that done, they all take the dingy ashore to drink some more at a bar, which gives Kat some time to find question Logan like she’s talking to a butcher about the quality of the pork chops on sale today. Next thing you know, the guests decide to bring back the whole bar – well, okay, just about seven more people – to party into the wee hours, and it’s Amy‘s job to keep serving them until they start jumping overboard. Then she puts her tiny Texas foot down and refuses to serve them anymore. The moochers from the bar are thrown overboard into the dingy and brought back to shore.

Commercial time and I gotta tell the marketing folks at benefit that using hawk nose and horse mouth from RHONY to promote their product is not a good idea. See, most women don’t want to look like them.

Back on board, Captain Lee — he of little faith in humanity — finally figures out the boat is broke. It just goes into gear for no good reason. Think he’s gonna apologize to everyone for thinking they were the kind of scumbags who would throw a tied boat into gear? Nah.

The guests leave and pony up a solid tip that amounts to $44o bucks per person, which means everyone can go ashore and get pissed for Kelley‘s birthday. But first, Amy insists on talking to Kat, and instead of just apologizing for telling everyone about her dumb hurt feelings that Kat stole some guy from her four years ago that she hadn’t even bagged yet, she’s hoping to wring a heartfelt apology out of Kat. Uh, does the term cold day in hell mean anything to Amy? Kat resolves as much as anyone should have to, but Amy confides to us that she’s still hurt. Wow. Between this and holding a grudge against little Jan Owen for eating her paste in second grade so she couldn’t finish her zoo collage, she must have many a sleepless night.

Everyone gets ready to go out and Logan turns up wearing the ugliest jacket ever, and Ben puts it best when he says he has pillows in that pattern back home. Then, Kat is whining to Ben and Kate that she can’t get an internet signal to be able to chat with her boyfriend, though, after having slept with Ben again, she is slightly delusional, isn’t she? Maybe her boyfriend doesn’t own a television. When Ben seems to not really care about her internet problems, she decides it’s time to do something about her relationship with Ben. “In order to move forward with myself, and my goals, I’m going to have to change the dynamic between Ben and myself,” says Kat. I don’t know what’s more jarring in that statement: Move forward with myself? Goals? Change the dynamic? Methinks Kat watches too much OWN on her time off.

At the bar, Kat‘s dancing with Kelley, and Jennice looks put out since her boyfriend dumped her on the last show. Kelley over imbibes, and they all go back to the boat where Jennice plays Florence Nightingale. No better time to resume that once dead spark than when a guy is nearly passed out and has no clue to whom he’s talking.

Meanwhile, above deck, sister Amy decides it’s time to go hot tubbing with Logan! Oh, yeah! Suh-weet! Wait just a freakin’ minute – what’s Kat doing coming up to the tub and trying to stick her feet in?!? Shades of four years ago? Oh no you didn’t, ex-girlfriend! Rub-a-dub, three crew members in a tub is one too darn many! Kat gets the hint, which is unusual for Kat — I mean, having actual feelings and all.

Well, that’s all for now mateys! Same time next week, and we’ll get to find out what the ominous preview means where it seems Kelley is losin’ it.

 

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