Below Deck Recap: “She’d Better Not Be Staying” [Episode 7]

Shore to ship! Thar she blows! Adrienne is coming aboard! Yes, our favorite “lesbian when I gotta be” chief stew is coming aboard with the hillbilly boat people from last week. Let’s see what happens, shall we? Kat warns us she wants to stab both the guest and Adrienne.

Back on the boat, Kate decides it’s time to pull out the ol’ scavenger hunt game. You know, the one she denied the other guests because she didn’t like them? This must be some helluva scavenger hunt if it can only be used on special people.

Adrienne, before boarding the ship, dishes about Amy and Kat working on a boat together. Seems Amy had some wisdom teeth pulled FOUR YEARS AGO, and while recovering, Kat took the opportunity to pull on Amy‘s boyfriend. Get it? Pulling? Well, it is rather obtuse but far be it for me to be crude and rude.

Jennice and Amy talk about Amy‘s brother, and Amy tells her it was a mistake — on Jennice‘s part! Jennice should only be so lucky as to meet another man as awesome as he is.

Back on the island, one of the guests relates the b.j. story about Kat to Kat. Adrienne‘s defense is that she was just relaying the story. “Is it true?” someone asks. Seems Kat doesn’t know. But she’s pissed and thinks she deserves an apology — and Adrienne gives her one! Not nicely, of course. Kinda snotty. So Kat goes off to cry, and the guest comes to comfort her. Kat blows her off, and she tells her you could “not have her come aboard.” The guest gives her look that says, “You really don’t want a good tip, do you?”

Who’s in the kitchen with Ben? Well, it’s Kate. I guess she finished planning her super magnifico treasure hunt and now has some time on her hands to complain that she doesn’t have enough help to serve all these guests. *Sniff* *Sniff* Do I detect the faint whiff of “I don’t give a shite!” coming from the general direction of Ben? Why, yes I do! Ben tells her very simply, “It’s poor management.”

Eddie finally brings the dingy back to The Sloppy Seconds, or whatever this dive bar on the sand is called, and right away Kat relates the story of how she may or may not have done something that may or may not be considered illegal still in some states or not, but that she can’t remember because she was probably drunk, and anyway, Amy was on pain meds, so how would she even know? Really, what’s a gal supposed to do? Eddie tells her, “Fuggedaboutit!” Easy to say when you’re not the one everyone thinks gives out rim jobs! Whoa! Did I just type that?

The whole hillbilly charter is waddling back onto the boat and Eddie makes sure he gets to Ben real fast to spread the word: “Adrienne‘s here!” To which our ever-witty chef of the future retorts: “Shut the f*&k up!”  Then he says to no one, “She better not be staying for dinner.” Does he really care? He can hide in the kitchen all night, can’t he?

Next, Adrienne goes to say hello to Captain Lee, who gives the same chuckle he gives for everything. She came on board in only her bikini. I think he likes it.

Amy gets attacked by two of the male guests hugging her like she’s a rag doll, but she seems more put off by Adrienne introducing herself and shaking her hand “like a marine.” (Note to self: Amy is a delicate creature, and if I’m not a man, I should not be too masculine with her.)

Below deck in the main guest room, the hillbillies find the treasure hunt and point out the most important part is to “Surrender the booty” whereupon Adrienne gets her picture taken by one of the guests relatives while she’s scissoring the main guest. (Don’t ask me kids — I only eat hot dogs, never tuna fish.)

Now that the cat is out of the bag, Kat decides to tell Kate all about the rumor. Amy‘s eavesdropping and acts like she doesn’t know what the rumor is, but Kat knows and pushes her out the door. Faint sniffling heard as she disappears.

In the kitchen, Ben shows how to flip an omelette by greeting Adrienne as if he likes her.

One of the hillbillies asks Amy for a painkiller. Is this a drink, or is she asking for Oxy? I dunno. Amy‘s still upset but decides to buck up for the guests who are drinking – yes, a painkiller is a drink, Wendy – and already acting like morons. Amy‘s right there with ’em. Cut to Captain Lee who must be trying to woo me. He says, “I would rather drag my dick through ten miles of broken whiskey bottles than have these assholes on my boat again.” Me, too, Cap. Me too.

The next scene is so horrifying, so terrifically grotesque, that dear, gentle readers, I don’t know how to explain it to without offense or nausea. The hillbillies, whom I believe are all related somehow, are getting into Kate‘s treasure hunt by role-playing with the pirate props. One has on what I would call a banana sling, but in France, I think they call it normal. The other one has just a fake palm leaf over his twig and bits. Yet another one – it’s like tracking an ant colony! — is pulling Adrienne‘s bikini top out with her plastic hook hand. ‘Xcuse me, while I kiss the porcelain god.

I’m back. I took a few Tums, drank some Digel, and got some ginger ale to make it through this next part. I shall now unpause the DVR. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? They’re twerking, people. TWERKING! There aren’t enough Tums in all of CVS in every corner of this country for how my stomach feels now! One hillbilly falls on the stairs as they all descend into Ben‘s kitchen, where he must remind them, “This is dangerous!” You said, Ben! One slip of the carving knife and whack! Oh, you meant about the hot ovens and food. I see.

Finally they pull themselves together enough to eat dinner and the Captain joins them! Oh lucky boy! Especially when the guests start screaming like banshees over an imagined spider! Oy vey! Through the spider, the guests, and Adrienne overboard. Let the dog stay. He’s cool.

Below deck while turning down beds, Amy cries to Kelley that she’s so upset and doesn’t want to do this, and he says he doesn’t want to either. I’m not sure what “this” is. Kelley vows to be there for her because I guess it’s too far to swim ashore.

Our delightful guests are eating and talking like sailors. The crew could learn from them. How to be sailors I mean.

Now Amy is telling the only two people who don’t know yet about the Kat blew my boyfriend story, Eddie and Jennice. Kat is nearby, hears it, and pretends to be asking for Scotch. Eddie tells her to put on the happy face.

Upstairs, the hillbillies are calling each other whores and bitches. “I’m mortified at their behavior,” he says. Adrienne has to leave because she’s got to work in the morning and that makes everyone happy. Well, talk about a wet blanket.

Interstitial: For some reason Kate is rooting around the kitchen looking for cucumbers, which she cannot discern from zucchini. She needs to use them for a Martini. I’m sorry, but I think she was absent the day they taught Mojitos AND Martinis.

Back from commercial, the hillbillies are in the hot tub, Eddie is sleeping, and Amy tries to talk to Kate, who has not time or patience for her. She’s not going to let her be like this right now. She doesn’t want to play into this. Amy needs to shut it down because they’re still on charter. Amy thinks she’s being rude. Amy thought she and Kate were friends. Amy‘s not too smart for a 30-something. 

Cut to Kate and Kat bonding while cleaning do, do, dooting, the circus peanuts theme song. (I’ll hum a few bars….)

The next morning, Kat snips at Amy because she needs room. Kat decides she wants to switch rooms, so it falls on Jennice to share her room. She promptly complains to Amy. Oh, the drama. Not really.

Time to go to the dock, and Eddie kvetches they need help because it seems Jennice can’t do the rope. Just like Andrew couldn’t do it.

The crew has to kick the hillbillies off the boat now, so they start throwing the guests clothes in the their suitcases, and dragging everything that can be dragged to the dock. Finally, the hillbillies are all getting off the boat, and the primary guest hands over the ubiquitous envelope. Whadda ya think? Two, three thousand bucks? Let’s see shall we. Ah! Smallest tip of the season – only one grand each but at least they get to go ashore. Where do you think they go? Well, a bar, of course. Jennice makes a big deal of calling her boyfriend on speaker phone. How nice for Kelley. Ah, wait. Boyfriend thinks she’s not interested anymore. Boyfriend thinks she doesn’t care. Boyfriend wants to break up, methinks. Uh oh, lost signal. We’ll have to wait till next week to see if she’s annoyed him enough to make sure she can go back to torturing Kelley.

Remember, kids, get the sand off your feet before you get into bed. Ciao!

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