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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Countdown To Meltdown [Florida Part 1]

Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She's a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.

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Ahhh….New Jersey…the place where dirty housewives collide with boring ones…where shameless felons cross paths with the halfway innocent, and pretend they are friends. Let’s see what the gang is up to this week, shall we? This week’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey” begins with the gal pals in the airport getting ready to board the plane for Florida. Nicole wants to feel the sun on her boobs… her articulation is charming, as usual. Melissa laments that shoveling snow isn’t her thing, ummm, yes, unless she wants to show off her latest (tags on) snow bunny attire to America. Terehssa shares that the men are coming later, and that women need their ash-togen moments, and that men need their testosterone moments. I believe that her husband has had enough of those moments to last a lifetime. They arrive, jump in their van, pop the bubbly, and toast to Teresa not being there, except lovingly in their thoughts. Sure. They arrive at their Boca Raton mansion, jump out of the van, and squeal perceptively that there’s no snow. Dina already looks like she has been baking on the beach for a week.

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Back in New Jersey, Teresa and Gia are house hunting, because the Giudices’ have been just kicking around the thought of downsizing. The days of their frivolous materialism are gone with wind, and Teresa’s evolution has enabled her to conceptualize the idea of living in a previously occupied palace. Teresa babbles to Gia about the bidet, and Gia seems bored, as I would be. The quack realtor suggests pricing her home at $4 million, and buying this place at $1.4 million. He says it with a straight face, but he looks nervous. We flash back to the tackiest Giudice party ever, and Teresa assures us that downsizing to a smaller gaudy mansion is a-ok with her.

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Things take a serious turn when we find ourselves at Amber’s doctor’s office, to follow-up on some inconclusive testing regarding her past bout with breast cancer.  Amber is understandably worried. While Amber has provided plenty of snarkworthy material in past episodes, I refuse to touch this one. Breast cancer survivors are all different, and any way a woman chooses to fight and cope is just fine with me.

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Next, a blast from the past…Jacqueline is back, and is welcoming Kathy for a visit. Nicholas is interacting sweetly with his therapist, and Jaq catches us up on his progress. We see some past struggles, and it’s great to see Nicholas doing so much better. Kudos to Jacqueline for working so hard to help her son. It is also apparent that Jacqueline has had a struggle of her own, on the scale. She admits this light heartedly, but my guess is that she isn’t going to be too thrilled to see herself, on camera, scarfing a dessert.

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We are now lounging by the pool in Boca, and the women all take turns drooling over the pool boy, which is embarrassing. Nicole takes a long time ordering her drink, while she rubs oil on her implants, keeping true to her classless self. Terehssa announces that Rino WOWS her every day. Ahem…I’ll bet. She and her sissy simply don’t have the same taste in men. I’ll leave that one alone.

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Dina launches into an explanation about sisters marrying husbands or brothers, and as usual, Dina bores me, and I tune her out. Melissa waves to a passing boatload of young folk, then leaps around like an awkward, stumpy ballerina, giving Bravo plenty of butt footage, which I suspect was her secret objective.

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Jacqueline and Kathy are discussing Teresa and her plight, and Jacqueline shares that she has reached out to Teresa with an offer of support, through a text. Their friendship is broken, and it seems that Jacqueline wants to mend fences.

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Kathy thinks that Jacqueline’s passion gets her into trouble. I think that ‘passion’ is a polite word. Jacqueline sounds like Solomon when she remarks that Teresa doesn’t like to admit to anything, and taking on guilt is a huge thing for her to do. Wait, has Teresa actually done that?? On paper maybe…but spoken? Ummm…NO. Teresa’s response is short, sweet, and probably insincere.

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The gals are grocery shopping, and the twins are babbling incessantly. Just go OUT to dinner already! Back at the Gorgas, Joe is babysitting his own children. Babysitting?!  UGH! Amber’s blood work comes back clean, and the doctor believes her prognosis is excellent. Great news.

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Kathy and Jacqueline take a field trip to Kathy and Rich’s new house, which is ACTUALLY BEING BUILT!  This is a rare occurrence on the “Housewives,” so I am happy for them. Jacqueline shares that they are selling their house, and downsizing, because apparently shifting priorities are quite the IN thing on this franchise. She could use downsizing in other areas. Breaking news…NONE of these women need a big house. Who knew?

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Back in Florida, the women are yammering in the van about past rumors, and I am beginning to doze off. The twins are blathering about rumor etiquette, and I guess they would be quite the experts by now. Dina is starting to feel bothered that she is keeping her trap shut about motherf*ckergate, and obviously, something is going to blow.  The women are in the kitchen cooking, and I wish the twins would jam a pepper in their mouths and shut up. Amber calls and shares the joyous news that she and the REAL star of the show, JIM, are headed down. Dina acts like she wants to vomit, and manages to gag out same fake words of happiness at the idea of their visit.

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Joe and Teresa discuss selling their house, going cheaper, and pocketing the profit. Dream on Joe. We are finally eating dinner in Boca, and I am hoping that full mouths will squelch the chatter. Melissa declares that she’s a happy drunk, and they are all sisters now, so I am giving up on that impossible dream. Tehressa gets word that Rino has decided not to come, because he doesn’t want to hang with Jim. Less YUCK is always good! Dina then decides to leave her zen back on the clearance shelf at Homegoods, and mutters to Terehssa about Amber having some vague rumor info involving her family. We all know what she’s talking about, but Terehssa pretends not to. Dina is peeved that Teresa has put her in this awkward position, apparently keeping her giant pie hole shut is simply impossible. Her intentions are all in the spirit of sisterhood, dontchaknow.

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We see the twins one last time, bleating about whether or not they want to admit that they actually do know what Miss Zen is babbling about. I guess we will have to wait until next week to see if the filthy truth is revealed in Florida. Until then…I am hitting the advil!

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