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Preachers of LA Recap: “Honor Thy Father and Mother” [Episode 4]

Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.

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Well, all I can say is the preachin’ business is good because Ron and Lavette are parking their Bentley — Bentley!! — Let me type that again — BENTLEY!! — at the rehab center to see his sister, Shaunet (at least that’s how they spell it for the deaf). They’re talkin’ drug addiction but all I can think about is the BENTLEY! ‘Xcuse me a sec — I need to google something….

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Hi! I’m back! Seems a Bentley will set you back a cool $177,500 smackeroos for the low-rent model!

On with the show. (My house isn’t even worth 177,500 semolians!) Shaunet‘s fine, blah, blah, blah. Ron apologizes for his drug addiction and settin’ the tone, blah, blah, blah. (If it’s a GTC, which has a turbocharged 6 liter, w12, DOHC engine with variable timing, that puppy will set you back a $195,200!!) Everything is beautiful with the former drug addicts, and someone must be watching that Bentley for Ron while he’s in there, dontcha think?

Meanwhile, I suppose Noel isn’t as well off because he’s walking his own dog. No Bentley in sight. The dog is overweight. Loretta blames Noel. Noel doesn’t care. All he cares about is that Loretta invites Lavette to her ladies luncheon because he needs Ron, who’s a “gangsta,” at his crusade so that he, too, can one day drive a Bentley. (Did you know there’s a Bentley Mulsanne? You know a car is high-class when they give it a name no one’s ever heard of or can pronounce! That model will kick your wallet to the curb at a stunning $298,900? What’s the extra $900 for — the antenna?)

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Ron and Lavette go to the gang-infested hood in his Bentley to see Shaunet‘s daughter Erica, whom we can already tell, has a chip on her shoulder that’s bigger than Mt. McKinley. One would have to wonder — if there’s enough room for a Bentley at Ron and Lavette‘s mansion, couldn’t they find a wee corner for li’l Erica? Oh, and she has kids. A couple of corners for them. too? Seems Erica is thinking the same thing as me but she puts it more delicately. She needs her own place to raise her kids. Like the kind of place you could pay for outright if you sold that Bentley, Uncle Ron. Well, all is just peachy keen because he’s told the camera that he’s going to do everything for her with all his available means. It’s sweet, isn’t it? The power of TV brought this family back together and Erica can finally leave the ghetto. BTW, her place looks nicer than mine. Just sayin’.

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We haven’t seen Pastor Wayne in a while and his Mom, Denise, drops by to visit. His Mom must have been 10 when she had Wayne because she looks like his younger sister. Seems she’s there not so much for Wayne‘s birthday, but to tell him that she had to get a restraining order against his brother, Caleb. What? Another down and out relative of a rich preacher? Perhaps the CDC should start an investigation into what kind of disease is going ’round the rich preacher community. Wayne is pissed because Caleb was fighting with his Mom, 5-0 was called, et cetera, et cetera. So, it seems there’s no place in Wayne‘s house for his brother Caleb to live and get the whoopin’ he needs once a day from his big brother.

Dominique and Mama Joyce are folding baby laundry, and the D-girl invites J-Mom to come to the luncheon, perhaps as cover. There never be enough people to hide behind when the cutlery starts flying.

Back at the Wayne and Myesha ranch, they’re hanging in the pool. Wayne explains the Caleb situation to Myesha, and no one seems to come up with the idea of intense psychological therapy. After all, we don’t want Caleb and Mama in the same room at Wayne‘s birthday party.

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Back to Lavette and Ron, it seems they have a WHOLE HOUSE that is sitting empty that Erica could move into. All I wanna know is, does it come with its own Bentley? ‘Cause if it don’t, I ain’t movin’ in!

It’s the day of the Ladies Luncheon, which means Dietrick will be home with the babies. His first job: Taste the breast milk. I just threw up in mouth a little. Then they strap Dietrick into the baby sling, and kids are already screaming, but who cares? There’s a lunch to go do.

Everyone arrives in slow motion, kind of like the beginning of the “Six Million Dollar Man,” perhaps indicating that these women are all super heroes! Loretta seems to think she is the leader and has a perma-snooty look on her face, especially when Lavette chimes in. Myesha is already planning two big events so she’s setting them up to not expect much help from her. Lavette mentions she has a concert in two weeks. Loretta pulls out the fly swatter and slaps them down. Myesha starts with the “we as women…” kind of b.s. and mentions the Sip and See. Wait for it, wait for it … Loretta apologizes to Lavette in front of everyone. Lavette accepts her apology. Boy, that sucks. Rather anti-climatic, dontcha think?

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It would appear Dietrick survived having to do the woman’s job of taking care of the kids, because when Dominique comes home, there all still alive. I think Dominique is either a) breastfeeding or b) pulling a Michael Jackson because she has the baby’s head covered with a blanket. I don’t have kids, so I don’t know, but is there a chance of suffocation there?

Noel asks Loretta about the luncheon, and she says in her most Christ-like way that she apologized to Lavette even though she shouldn’t have to. And Noel agrees that no one who’s preachin’ is perfect except Christ. I don’t think Christ was bangin’ Mary Magdalene, though, so he may have been one up on Noel right there.

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It’s Wayne‘s 35th birthday party and we find out the most important thing – Myesha has an assistant! I wonder how much that costs? They’re in a restaurant so hopefully Caleb will show up and make a scene. Wayne walks in and everyone yells “Surprise!” because I guess Wayne didn’t know it was his birthday. Hugs all around, blow out the candles, cut the cake. Then Keishon, Wayne’s brother, takes the mic and tells the crowd how Wayne used to let him lace up his $500 kicks for him. How sweet! Then, Caleb walks in. Seems he’s uninvited? Well, that’s one way to have a happy family party without incident – just diss the guys who feels dissed. Wayne goes to Caleb to kick him to the curb, but Caleb implies there’s a whole ‘nother story going down!

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Good time for a commercial, right, during which we see one of those annoying interstitials that make you think the show is back on, but it’s not. It’s just Dietrick‘s kiddie puppet show. Other than that, Maybelline claims to have 100% traceless foundation, but you can’t prove it by me, because all the models look like they’re 20 with flawless skin to begin with, so what the heck is going to happen if I slather that crap on my big ol’ pores, red patches, t-zone and wrinkles? Well, at least we get to see the Idris Elba movie commercial!! It opens Friday! Shall I put up with sticky floors and contaminated seats and go see it in a theater? Tweet me and let me know.

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Finally, back at the party and Caleb says Mama attacked her. He had to call the police. Now, color me sucker, but I’m believing Caleb but he leaves like a nice guy. Not to worry, Wayne will get to the bottom of why a grown-ass man is living with his Mama in the first place.

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Ah, Erica and her kids get to move in to Ron‘s house. I wonder how much rent he’s gonna charge her? There’s barely any furniture in the house. You think they would have fixed it up, dontcha ya? Erica‘s happy, though. One has to wonder why the heck Uncle Ronnie didn’t give her the house a lot earlier.

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Her “kids” look nearly grown themselves, so how long have they been wandering from relative to relative? Seems Erica is 35. Seems somebody should have done something before now! But that’s just me. Erica‘s just waiting for Shaunet to show up and ruin her life again. Ah, family!

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Oh, the Bentley Flying Spur seems like a steal at $195,100. Guess it comes with the manually operated antenna.

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