Finally! Season 5 of “Couples Therapy” with Dr. Jenn is here. Dr Jenn has declared this season the most volatile ever, so let’s get started.
First to arrive at the house are Juan Pablo Galavis and Nikki Ferrell from The Bachelor. Juan Pablo is infamous for not saying, I love you on the finale. Dr. Jenn refers to Juan Pablo as the most controversial bachelor, but really he is the most hated. Clips from the show and snapshots from tabloids are shown, bashing Juan Pablo. He explains that in his country, saying those three words are like proposing marriage – it means something. Ouch. Nikki looks hurt. Nikki has said those three words to Juan Pablo, and every day wonders if this will be the day that Juan Pablo says it back. They are here to work on their communication and distance issues. Nikki lives in Kansas City and Juan Pablo lives in Miami. This will be the first time the two have lived together for an extended period of time. (Beware of Approaching Train Wreck.)
The next couple to walk up the steep hill without help are Deena Cortese and Chris Buckner. Clips from the Jersey Shore are shown of Deena partying and exposing herself. Deena announces that she’s calmed down since then. Chris doesn’t mind dating someone with a partying persona because he gets to see the other side of her. They have been together for 2 ½ years and Chris is here to work on taking the next step of moving in together. Deena is here to work on the next three steps: move-in, get married, and have kids. It’s obvious they are in love, but Deena continually emasculates encourages Chris to “man up.” There is also the matter of money. Chris is bothered that as a furniture salesman, his girlfriend earns more money (for now) than he does.
Deena and Chris and Nikki and Juan Pablo sit in the living room and get to know one another. Deena asks Nikki how she met Juan Pablo. Really? Are Deena’s club appearances under a rock? Juan Pablo gladly explains, any excuse to talk about himself. Chris asks about the number of women that were living at the house during the show, and when Nikki tells him 18, his eyes glaze over. Juan Pablo tells a joke. The joke is that he has two daughters, one is his five year-old real daughter and the other one is the fifteen year-old daughter sitting next to him. Ha-ha-ha. He has to ask Nikki several times to do things. Nikki is embarrassed, but doesn’t say anything.
Treach Criss and Cicely Evans arrive next. Hip-hop videos are played of Treach in “Naughty By Nature,” as he explains that if it weren’t for the song O.P.P. which is about cheating, he wouldn’t have that kind of rap. Treach and Cicely met seven years ago when she was working as a bartender. Treach was supposed to help her become an actress. Instead he helped her become pregnant. They live together with two of his six kids and admittedly fight in front of them. Cicely is very insecure about Treach’s faithfulness and he does nothing to reassure her. According to Treach, she simply needs to get over it. He’s only cheated on her when they were taking breaks. Treach informs her that she will never be the boss in their relationship. He’s an intense guy.
Chris sees Treach walk up the pathway and is excited. He knows exactly who Treach is. The group says hello. Juan Pablo has no idea who Treach is and mispronounces his name as Trash. Cicely recognizes Deena and is happy that Jersey is in the house. They head to the bar. Deena predicts that she and Nikki will get along because they are both wine-o’s.
Evel Dick Donato arrives solo. Time has not been his friend. On a good day he could pass for Keith Richards. Thankfully Dick’s girlfriend Stephanie Fisher is arriving separately and it’s not going to be another season with one person in couples therapy like last season’s most hated teen mom. Evel Dick’s claim to reality fame is winning on “Big Brother.” Evel was devastated when he and Stephanie broke up. He wants to get back together. Stephanie is not as confident. Dr. Jenn says they can’t move forward until they deal with their past.
When Evel walks into the living room nobody recognizes him at first. But Evel recognizes Juan Pablo. Evel tells him that because of him, Evel is no longer the most hated man in reality TV, Juan Pablo is. Juan Pablo takes this a compliment—he beat someone at something—that makes him the man. Sure it does, buddy. Being known as the biggest douche-bag ever is what makes a man.
Evel explains that Stephanie and he were together for four years and he’s here to see if they can make it work. When asked about children, Evel says that he doesn’t want kids or to date a woman with kids. He’d rather hang himself. Stephanie arrives and things are weird between Evel and her. Nikki is shocked that someone as gorgeous as Stephanie would be with Evel Dick. Juan Pablo says that Evel’s face changed when Stephanie arrived. Treach, serving as interpreter, explains it’s called blushing.
The group asks Stephanie if she wants kids. She thoughtfully replies that she used to not want them, but now she does. Could someone bring Evel some rope? Evel shares that the day his daughter turned eighteen he got a vasectomy. Awkward.
Sarah, the house counselor takes the group to meet Dr. Jenn in her office. She is an attractive woman, but the shirt she’s wearing looks like its choking her with Native-American jewelry. After introducing Dr. Mike Dow as her right-hand man, warns them that things will get very uncomfortable. She has no problem dropping F-bombs as she advises that in therapy, the only way out is through.
The group have dinner outside and Evel asks Juan Pablo about the three overnighters and if the women have a problem with it? “That’s the beauty of it,” Juan Pablo grins slimily, “the women do not know.” They do now.
Juan Pablo and Nikki are called in for a private session with Dr. Jenn. They discuss the three little words that Juan Pablo will not say. Apparently, the words can only be spoken if he can’t live without that person. If Nikki were to leave, Juan Pablo would be sad, but it wouldn’t kill him. Ouch again!! Dr. Jenn says that the couple needs to level the playing field. With a lawnmower to his ass, I hope.
The following morning the camera bounces between the couples’ rooms showing mild chit-chat. Until we get to Treach and Cicely. When Treach asks Cicely what she’s going to do after their stay at “Couples Therapy,” she tells him her plans to become his assistant. All hell breaks loose. That argument leads to another argument about reading for acting parts, which leads to another argument about resume comparisons. Cicely no longer wants to be Treach’s assistant. Good decision!
Tune in next week when Jenna Jameson and John Wood arrive. Will Jenna and Evel Dick clash over their similar tell-it-like-it-is personalities? We hope so!
I am so lucky to combine blogging with my guilty pleasure of watching reality TV. I read all the comments and respond to most. Feel free to reach out to me. If you like fiction, I have two published novels: Three Days in Purgatory and A Reason to Run.