Below Deck Recap: “Bitchy Resting Face” [Episode 5]

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Below Deck

TOWELGATE! What did Kate know and when did she know it? Was the towel/blanket shape an unfortunate accident or was she aware of the implications? Zowee! Well, at least as Kat declares what we are all thinking: “It is the best towel-folded penis I have ever seen in my life!” Kat takes pix to show Ben, who declares what we are all not thinking: “I have never seen anything like this!” Kate, when asked, says it’s a rocket ship. Ben, who while he’s never seen a penis, has seen a rocket ship. He’s been to NASA. Meanwhile, Kat is running all over the ship to show everyone the blanket penis. The primary guest still hasn’t confronted Kate about it though, and Ben thinks Kate should go talk to them because her little dick prank may jeopardize everyone’s tip! That’s right! It’s not about civility in general — IT’S ABOUT THE TIP, YOU TWIT! Kate boldly stands up for herself. I’m still confused, though. Was it a blanket or was it a towel?


Meanwhile, the girls with the tatas are playing with the inflatable toys in the water, and we see the most precious thing: Captain Lee holding the rope so they don’t float out to sea. I wonder if he learned that in the Navy, Coast Guard or Merchant Marines?

A tempest in a different teapot – seems the maids or “stews” as they like to be called – are overwhelmed and want the deck maids – or “bosuns” I guess? – to help them more. In fact, Amy whines. Well, that’s just one glass too many for Eddie who declares that since they are a man down – did Andrew really count as a man? – and the “stews” don’t appreciate the help they’ve give thus far, they will no longer help the “stews!” Good for them! Way to advance disharmony and this get everyone in your boat rowing the in the same direction. (Just a thought, but how about helping them and then, when tip time comes, pointing out that they are man down and helped the “stews” so they should get a bigger cut?)

Mr. Primary Guest – I can’t be expected to type in their actual names, people! They’ll be gone from my life in another 32 minutes! – informs Captain Lee that there was a Towel Penis on his bed and he’s not sure what that means. Stoic as ever, the Captain tells him that he will look into it. (Just wonderin’ here, but how does a guy who brings a bunch of high-end strippers on a cruise find a towel offensive?)

Captain talks to Kate who decides the best defense is to deny, deny, deny. She assures Captain she’ll get to get to the bottom of this! Then Captain calls Eddie in to rat on Kate. Then Amy. Then Kat. Now he’s pissed because Kate lied to him. That’s grounds for termination. She’s still denying when Captain pulls out the phone photo of the towel, which she still claims was a rocket ship. EERRR!! Brakes squealing, Kate doing a 180 and claiming she’s the victim because the guests are bitchy by calling her bitchy. Best defense…..

Below Deck

Back in sexy time, Kelley and Jennice are flirting more instead of working, so Eddie sends Jennice to the beach with the guests. While back on board everyone’s worrying about some white party. Why a white party on a cruise? Don’t ask me! Oh! Back from commercial, we see that a white party means the guests are dressing in white and the food is white. Isn’t that special? The undercurrent is Kate needs to apologize to the dick upon whom’s bed she put a dick. She sucks it up and goes to him and apologizes, by telling him it was not meant to be offensive. He says ok. He doesn’t seem happy, though. I guess he’s a sensitive dick. Telling Kate she was bitchy because she’s the hired help is ok. Getting a dick on your bed is not.

Below Deck

The guests arrive at the beach party and there’s that annoying steel drum music playing. Does anyone like that sound, really? I mean, sure, a bar or two, but an entire songs? Yikes! A conga line as enthusiastic as as the Pope participating in Havah Nagilah dance is just an embarrassment.

Rain! Thunder! Wind! Lightening! The boat seems to be anchored in the middle of a squall, but the white party must go on. Ben is making some really white food. I mean, it’s all white. He’s even serving pork, the other white meat. When a guest complains she doesn’t eat read meat, Ben has to make her a sea bass instead, while grousing that everyone knows pork is white meat!

All of a sudden we’re above deck and Kelley grabs Jennice and plants a big one on her and leaves so that Jennice can decide later what she wants to do with it. Jennice displays “angst.” Of course, if she had made it clear she was totally unavailable due to having a boyfriend, there wouldn’t be any angst to show, would there? Hmmmm….

Below Deck

Above deck, some gross looking guest in a Euro-trash style speedo is humping one of the stripper girls on the table. This makes the guests hungry and Eddie ends up making them pizza because Ben has already gone to bed. Below deck, Kelley is telling Amy about the kiss he planted on Jennice, and she’ thinks it’s sweet. Above deck, Jennice relates to Kat that Kelley planted one on Jennice. After all her flirting, she’s now claiming he’s not right for her. Women, eh?

Final day, final breakfast, and the last chance to erase the memory of the penis. Seems the primary guest is leaving early, and as he does, he mentions the towel. Now, he says it’s hilarious and really enjoyed it. He loved the white party, the band, everything. He hands a big wad of an envelope to the Captain. The rest of the guests are dropped off at the harbor and no one cares since they aren’t giving a tip.

Round the table, time for the tip. Captain gives everyone the pep talk of how everyone needs to up their game, but, hey the tip is $18,000. That means $1,800 for Kate and her penis art.

Jennice tells Eddie that Kelley kissed her. She doesn’t tell him how she led him on. Meanwhile, Captain wants to talk to Kate AGAIN. Cryin’ out loud. He tells her she must be honest with him all the time. She doesn’t regret it. It’s all bull for the camera, isn’t it?

Below Deck

Back upstairs, Eddie says to Kelly that Jennice told him that he kissed her. He tells Kelley not to do that anymore. Awkward!

Anchor’s up and we sail again next week, mateys!

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