Preachers of LA Recap: Infidelity, Therapy, & Justin’s Haircut [Episode 3]

Brothers and Sisters, today we open with Dietrick whose Mama Joyce is telling him how great he is but that he needs to go to marriage counseling. Now, our boy doesn’t disagree, but he’s gonna go to a professional because he “knows all the biblical standards of how a family should be ran.” Can we pray that he finds a counselor who also teaches grammar?

Bishop Noel is in the middle of giving away free stuff, kinda like John Gotti used to do, and stops to tell Loretta about this church in Louisiana where the preacher got shot and everyone is fleeing. Seems like a good idea to me – to flee – but Noel is going to save this church that’s not his denomination because any publicity is good publicity. Bishop Noel is somehow going to save this church in Louisiana because heaven only knows that a man who can’t make a commitment to his “woman friend” is certainly the hero every church needs. Yeah, I said it!

Meanwhile, Fish Lips and Chris Isaak – oh, I mean Christy and Jay – are still obsessing over the problem named Dietrick and the junkie named Justin. I’m just wondering if there are any problems they could be working on like, say, oh, I dunno, Christians being persecuted by Muslims. Just wondering. Something else I’m wondering about. I beginning to think those glasses on Jay’s mug are nothing but window panes to make him look smarter because I’ll be doggone if I don’t see any signs of magnification, or whatever the opposite of magnification is, when I look at his face. Me, I’m Ms. Magoo with eyesight of about 20/400, so I tend to notice that distortion. Check it out and see what I mean.

Junkie Justin looks like crap, but Jay decides to tell him he looks great. Well, sure, being conscious is a big improvement but he’s still wavering like Chuck Wepner after 10 rounds with Muhammad Ali. He’s making me sea sick. Can Jay just lay hands on him and get him to stand still? Guess God didn’t give him that power. Jay dons surgical gloves to give Justin a bad haircut, kinda like when Jesus put on that full-out hazmat suit to cure that leper. Not only that, the haircut isn’t punk rock as Jay said it would be – it’s more like Dachau chic, circa 1944. All that’s missing is the stripped uniform.

While Jay’s trying to clean up Justin, Christy decides to go have a Sip and See with Dominique just one-on-one, but we learn an interesting fact about her. Somehow Fish Lips has a 30-year-old son by another man but somehow he’s a pastor’s son which means he’s actin’ the fool. After this bit of news Christy decides to bring up Jay’s problem with marrying D & D when Dominique was pregnant. She says she’s gonna make sure that Jay gives Dietrick a bear hug and make this thing right, but gosh darned if I don’t remember a certain Fish-lipped woman telling her man to go confront Dietrick just two episodes ago.

Back to Louisiana so we can see how Noel is going to single-handedly save a church. I bet it has something to do with his Paul-like character and capabilities. (Not Beatle Paul, but Apostle Paul.) Let’s see how this goes, shall we? His first step is to make the widow retell the story of how her husband was shot step-by-step. That’s helpful.  I don’t understand why the widow doesn’t sell the property and give it up. But that’s just me.

Ah, the marriage counselor has arrived, and I predict she has her hands full because she’s dealing with a man who couldn’t be bothered getting married for the longest time, and a woman who put up with it but now thinks her husband needs to contribute more. The Dietrick modus operandi is always to say he’s misunderstood and then proceeds to tell two women that he’s not going to contribute anymore because that would be a step toward making him the woman in the relationship. Dietrick’s solution is to get a Nanny because Dominique can’t seem to raise two kids even with all the money they have. It’s not like she needs time to go down to WIC or SNAP or somethin’!

Back to Louisiana. I’m getting whiplash. Now Noel has called a bunch of men in as “counsel” which is another way of saying, “I have no clue what to do, so I like to pretend I’m leading a discussion but really, I’m just getting ideas from other people.” The advisors let loose on the fact that what really went down is that the dead pastor was probably getting’ a little sumthin’ sumthin’ on the side and that’s when people started to leave the church. Hmmm, seems like this is a church worth saving!

During the teaser break, Dietrick decides to tell the whole world the intimacy thing isn’t there. Gee, if only my husband would go on TV and tell the world I was holding out on him because I was too busy raising his crumb munchers.

Back from commercial, and Loretta invited the ladies over to cook. Oooo weee! There’s nothing I want to do more on my time away from my home than to go work. Cookin’, cleanin’ – what fun! Can we wash the cars next? Loretta’s real motive is to throw shade of Ron and Lavette and get everyone on her side, kinda like the moves Mary Magdalene used to do, you know, getting everyone all riled up about the tomb being empty and all. Her opening gambit is to talk about their latest money-making scheme, this crusade called Preach L.A.  Loretta puts everyone to work cooking for her event and brings up Lavette of course. Her side of the story is that she’s lost all respect for Ron because he’s gonna “bring rain to her parade.” Yeah, truth’s a bitch, ain’t it?

Meanwhile, her “friend” back in Louisiana – next time, could he go to a state that’s easier to type, like, say, Utah? – Bishop Noel is somehow going to save this church in Louisiana because heaven only knows that a man who can’t make a commitment to his “woman friend” is certainly the hero every church needs. Yeah, I said it! Basically, he’s meeting with the slain pastor’s family so he can get more good crying action on film. Everyone seems to be questioning God about where he was, and no one’s questioning why Papa couldn’t keep his old bag and was wanting to get a brand new one. (Hat tip, James Brown.) Not to worry, Noel’s gonna preach and all is going to be good because like Olivia Newton-John sang, “Got to believe you are magic.” Because there are cameras there, the church fills up. After a lot of screaming about how God is able – don’t ask me what that’s supposed to do – Noel leaves them with this pithy thought: “I want to say to this church, whatever you do, don’t lie.” Uh, yeah. Kinda think that’s one of the first things you shouldn’t do if you bother to go to church, sort of like you shouldn’t be getting some on the side when you’re a married pastor because someone might just come in and pop your ass.  Just a thought, though.

Till next week, brothers and sisters.

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