Below Deck Recap: Hex on the Beach [Episode 2]

When we last left Andrew he was on his hands and knees using the shop vac to soak up the water in his cabin from leaving the porthole open. Tonight we learn, he’s been sucking in reverse. Ben calls him an “F’ing muppet!” I believe that’s an insult to the entire artistic community of hand puppeteers the world over, and Ben owes them a sincere and heartfelt apology. Oh, and for swearing, too!

While doing dishes, Amy starts spilling her guts to Kate about her and Kelley coming from a broken home. She was 17 AND had a car. Sounds like paradise, to me. A car and two parents who are so busy fighting they don’t notice where you are? Heaven! But she feels bad anyway. From the way she’s talking, you’d think her and Kelley grew up with Joel Stein. (Google it, peeps.)

Above deck, the same old women are still on board minus the guys, so Georgia wants Kat to order up some men. “Andrew? Andrew?” Of course, he reminds us that entertaining rich women is his métier, so after putting on an extra small uniform, Andrew brings up the fruit, and the women don’t have to ask him more than once to get up on the pole. He pockets a whopping 50 bucks. I’m sure in the Philippines it would have been more, but he has to settle for Caribbean rates. Maybe if he added ping pong balls to his act…? (Note to self: Tweet Andrew Phillip).

Ben and Kat hang out in Kat’s cabin, and Ben is pushing for Kat to drop the professional attitude and start breaking/bending the rules. Flashback to that horrifying clip from “The Blair Witch Project” where – oh wait, that’s a naked Kat trying to get into the top bunk last season.

Kat explains she won’t be playing bunk bed bingo this trip because the light at the end of Kat’s tunnel is her boyfriend’s face. So, we have to assume the light last year was an oncoming train?

Little seque: As fascinating as reminiscing about Kat’s bulbous butt may be, Ben switches to the topic of Andrew, and they both figure he’s a tool, but leave it to Ben to put it succinctly: “Andrew is the hottest guy on the short bus.”

Just to remind us we’re on a real boat, and not just one that’s been rented by Bravo with a cast of egomaniacal TV star wannabes, Eddie’s on “anchor watch” which seems to involve watching the anchor all night. Why? Where’s it going? Does the anchor like to sneak off the boat at night and go partying?

Jennice and Kelley share a cabin and Jennice tells us he’s like a big piece of meat. He, on the another hand,  misses his dog more than his casual girlfriend, and he’s not sure that the international dating code is at sea. If he’d only ask me: Kelley, the only place where dog love is legal is Denmark.

(Was that Idris Elba in that movie commercial? I love Idris Elba!)

5:30 AM, and it’s time for Eddie and Kelley to do more boat work and jump in the ocean to clean the water line. As far as we can tell, this means giving the hull a sponge bath. Even the lowly hull needs love apparently. They talk about girls obviously, and Eddie claims he needs a cattle prod to keep the girls away. Kelley says Andrew better stay away from his sister. Eddie spills Jennice’s beans about having a boyfriend. We never get a shot of the hull to see if it looks any better. Whaddup with dat?

All this happens while Andrew is still asleep. He’s annoyed he can’t make his own schedule. His beauty secret? Two bear bottles on his eyes.

Today, the guests get shipped off to the island to have a beach party picnic. Kate claims to be the queen of beach parties. Kat hates beach parties, because she hates flies, she hates checklists, she hates carrying things – let’s face it, our good ol’ lazy Kat is emerging from her cocoon. So, in less than 1.5 episodes, Kat has managed to annoy Kate. Oh, and she’s keeps obsessing about whether or not to bring mayo to the island affair.

My first mate, a.k.a., husband, wants to know: “Who’s less needed at a picnic? Andrew or the mayo?”

Andrew puts a bucket on his head. He thinks it’s cute. Work comes first, so he can’t go to the beach party. Eddie figures he has no work ethic or motivation. What gave Eddie that idea? The pole dancing the day before? The oversleeping? The BUCKET on his HEAD? Can’t put anything past Eddie, I tell you!

(Voice in Georgia’s head: “Gee rent a yacht or invest in a high-quality bathing suit with built in support? Nah, my boobs look just fine sitting just above my navel. I’ll spend $140,000 smackers on a rent-a-tub.”)

Below Georgia, I mean, deck, Andrew is pretty sure everyone wants to kill him. Amy’s heart goes out to him. They seem to bond. Which means Andrew may be killed by Kelley at some point this season.

On the island, Kat is complaining. That makes Kate sad. I don’t think we want to see Kate sad. But, Kat is just saying what everyone else is thinking isn’t she? No one wants to be at this beach picnic, do they? “Come work on a yacht and be miserable. Work until your fingers bleed.”

As a chief stew (maid) Kate has very high standards which includes the intricate folding of napkins and shoving said napkins into napkin rings. (Wouldn’t paper napkins be easier?). Kat likes the socializing but working, meh, not so much. So Kat gets the guests to help her fold the napkins. Way to go, girl!

Ben’s working his magic in the kitchen, while Captain Lee is worried about being requested to be at dinner again tonight with Georgia and her boobs. (Last week she tried to motor boat him. Either he doesn’t like women his age, or he doesn’t like women. Too soon to tell.)

Final day of the charter where everyone must dress up, and in the laundry room, Amy can’t find her black uniform pants or skirt. She asks Kat. Kat answers her as if Amy just asked her if her father was Lee Harvey Oswald. I’m taking side bets now on how long before there’s a “kat” fight. Any takers?

Above deck, Andrew has to hold a rope. He can’t hold the rope. The Captain tells him to “Take a wrap you can’t hold it, Andrew.” Captain puts out a message that Andrew “needs an assist on the forward assist line.” Eddie has to come to his rescue because Andrew looks like he’s going to pass out at this point. Why didn’t they just let Jennice do it in the first place? Why send a boy to do a woman’s job?

Georgia’s finally leaving the tub, but looks absolutely devasted to be leaving her favorite assexual Captain. She hands him a big envelope. You can hear everyone’s inner thoughts: “Get off the boat, Beyatch, so we can get our lucre!”

Crew mess (tiny kitchen table) is where we divvy up the dough.  Drum Roll: Tip is 15,000 buckaroos! That’s 1,300 semolians – that’s not a typo – that’s a real slang word for dosh, dough, moolah, loot, dontcha know – per person, in case you can’t do the math, which I can’t. Everybody gets an equal share, unless you’re not pulling your weight. Captain warns Andrew, but he still gets his full share. I’ll just write this word-for-word so you get the unedited version of how everyone seems to feel about this turn of events. Ben says, “To see him just smugly accept it having done f#*$ all, it pissed me off and pissed everyone else off, and I’ll be damned if it happens again.” Question for you theologians out there: What happens when a person gets damned? I mean, for sure, Ben’s gonna get damned. I just wanna be prepared.

On shore, everyone goes drinking. If I remember from last season, this always goes well. Kelley picks up a stray cat and walks away. Amy follows him. They have a touching moment together. Kelley starts crying. I thought he was a marine?

Kelley, Jennice and Kat decide to sit on a big ass swing about 3’ off the ground. Kelley falls off as does Kat. Kelley seems to have hit his head and looks woozy. (Wasn’t he a marine?) BTW, Kat’s fine because there’s nothing in that pickled casaba melon to get hurt. Head injuries are always a good way to end the show, so we’ll have to wait till next week to see if the 3-foot fall hurt Kelley. He did say he was a marine, right?

Watch the full episode below:

 

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