David Tuteras Celebrations

David Tutera’s CELEBrations Recap: Lil’Kim Baby Shower [Episode 3]

I am so lucky to combine blogging with my guilty pleasure of watching reality TV. I read all the comments and respond to most. Feel free to reach out to me. If you like fiction, I have two published novels: Three Days in Purgatory and A Reason to Run.

This week’s episode we join David, Joey and Cielo at a dessert shop. They are arguing about the unhealthy things David puts into his mouth when he receives a video call from Lil’Kim. Joey points out how different she looks. Lil’Kim needs David’s help throwing herself a royal baby shower in five days, in New York. Joey can’t/won’t make it this time. It will just be David, Cielo, Alyssa, Slomique and Montre. (Plus one or two nannies we don’t see.)

David Tutera's Celebrations

While David, Alyssa, and Slomique wait in a restaurant for Lil’Kim’s arrival, they discuss her reputation for being over the top and how motherhood is going to change her. Slomique takes control of the meeting by establishing the information needed from Lil’Kim such as: all girls shower vs. co-ed shower, and the all important decision of games vs. no games. 

Before David can snap his fingers, a woman stomps over to their table. Her name is Mimi. She seems uptight. Not at all what I’d expect Lil’Kim’s friend of 18 years to be like. Mimi tells them Lil’Kim is on her way. David wastes no time projecting his anger questing Mimi about Lil’Kim’s punctuality. He says Lil’Kim was once 2 ½ hours late to a concert he attended. Mimi spills the tea about something else. Up until now, she was in charge of this baby shower. Dun, dun, dunh. Now we get the hostility. Mimi’s been demoted. 

CELEBrations

In walks Lil’Kim, or as she prefers, The Queen Bee – her theme to the baby shower. She makes a cute pregnant woman, but could also bitch-slap David if she had to. Her vision for the shower is over the top and sleek. Like the royals do it. And she wants a train that stretches down the block. Not a choo-choo train mind you, which would make more sense. She wants a train for her head that is usually accompanied with a wedding dress. And she wants champagne glasses that are 14karat gold. One piece of good news is Lil’Kim has her own stylist, so David is off the hook for fashion. #contrived #setup #davidisscrewed

CELEBrations

Lil’Kim makes a request of doves flying and that one of the doves by dyed pink. As I wonder how PETA will feel about this, it dawns on me that Lil’Kim is having a Lil’her. Suddenly the pink dove is a lovely idea. Lil’Kim informs David that the Obamas will be there, too. Michelle called her the night before to rsvp. Mmm-hmm. Sure, she did.

CELEBrations

Also expected at the shower (let’s just call it a party) is the baby’s father…who will be amongst the crowd. In a TH David tells us that the identity of Lil’Kim’s baby-daddy is a big secret. He thinks the father is Jay-Z and that’s what the fight in the elevator with Beyonce’s sister was all about. (David, cease and desist letters are being mailed now.) 

We learn a new word from Lil’Kim: Clatchet. It’s classy and ratchet and it’s how she wants her co-ed, alcohol flowing, dancing with a dj, royal baby-shower to roll. After David puts his hands all over Lil’Kim’s stomach to feel the baby kick, she leaves. Mimi announces to David that she has a surprise for Lil’Kim that involves the baby-daddy. Dun, dun, dunh. David asks for details, but Mimi stomps off, denying his total control.

After the break, David and Slomique wait for Lil’Kim at a jewelry store to pick out borrowed jewelry fit for a queen. She is 35 minutes late. Slomique and David accept the offer of vodka. Lil’Kim drops the bomb that her stylist is missing and so is the dress he was having made for her. David asks what she wants in a dress. Lil’Kim wants flowy. No tight. No, flowy. No, tight. Damn hormones! A flowy, tight, royal dress. David points out that the royals are conservative and he doesn’t see that with Lil’Kim. She feigns shock and says the purple pasty was conservative. Good one, Lil’Kim!

Before Lil’Kim leaves, David has a sit down with her about being on-time to her own party. She says she will. He says be there at 8:00. She says she will by 9:00. Why argue? The solution is to tell her 7:00. Because of the vodka, David blurts out the pending surprise that he knows nothing about from Mimi. Slomique swats him. It takes David a few moments to connect the dots of what he’s done. David tries to blame it on Slomique. Lil’Kim calls him clatchet. They all laugh. Wait? Isn’t clatchet a good thing? 

CELEBrations

The next day David checks in with Slomique. She’s ordered a dress from Los Angeles to be flown there even though New York is the Mecca of the fashion industry and packages tend to get lost when you need them most. David doesn’t have time to worry about that. He’s meeting Lil’Kim to register for gifts. He waits for an hour in front of the store holding Cielo. Finally, Lil’Kim shows up, but she doesn’t apologize for being late and this pisses David off. He talks to her again about her tardiness. Lil’Kim pleads mea culpa about being unable to control what happens around her. (Which coincidentally is what she told the feds before her stint in prison.) Lil’Kim wants to know where her dress is. She is used to Donatella Versace dressing her with seamstresses on deck. (Topic change/finger snap). David tells Lil’Kim that a Queen Bee, by definition, is in charge. (Finger snap return.)

CELEBrations

It’s the day of the party and the dress hasn’t arrived from Los Angeles. The party is a few hours away, what will they do? David goes to deliver the jewelry to Lil’Kim’s hotel room but they won’t answer the door. A woman named Juniper calls to say she’s going to save the day about the dress, but it doesn’t amount to anything because the dress—that resembles a tight, flowy wedding gown—arrives from seemingly nowhere. 

CELEBrations

Celebrities are arriving at the party. One of the guests is New York. Remember her? Holla, girl! The party looks fun and isn’t waiting for The Queen Bee’s arrival to start, who is 4 hours late. When Lil’Kim finally arrives with her baby-daddy, Mr. Papers, she is announced by trumpets. There is no block-long train or pink doves. When  asks everyone to go outside for the surprise, it’s a hopeful moment. Will he get down on one knee? Lil’Kim’s already wearing the wedding gown. Instead, a black party van with a bow pulls up. This is the surprise for Lil’Kim – a tricked out party van so she can feel like soccer mom in style. Now that’s clatchet!

Lil Kim and Mr Papers arrive to their baby shower at Broad St Ballroom in NYC

 

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