Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Tamra Bolts In Bali [Episode 17]

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It is the morning after the blow up with Lizzie and Tamra and Tamra is still furious with Heather. She won’t acknowledge any of Heather’s friendly chit chat, leaving Vicki to respond to her questions and comments. Heather becomes irritated with Tamra and confronts her about being angry. Heather is mystified by Tamra’s anger and thinks it is not necessary to agree with everything. Friends can disagree. Heather acts as if she didn’t already know that friendship with Tamra is tantamount to a one-way loyalty blood oath.

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Heather has bought a clue and in a TH comments that Tamra often forgets who her real friends are. I’ll know Heather is all the way there when she says that Tamra doesn’t know who her real friends are because she’s never been a real friend to any of the HWs. Tamra, who must have  brass balls of irony, tells Heather she’s still angry because she believes Heather tried to stir sh-t up between her and the other wives. Wait, she’s seriously calling someone else a sh-t stirrer? Her bass balls of irony just went platinum. Heather responds that stirring sh-t would mean speaking up in front of Lizzie, not privately to Tamra. No dice. Tamra can’t be bothered to drop her sunglasses (worn indoors, I might add) to look Heather in the eyes while she spews at her. The “Marry, Shag, Kill” conversation comes up. Tamra at once denies all of her insults toward Lizzie, while using MSK fight to justify anything she’s said about Lizzie. It’s hard to keep things straight with her. I’ve always thought Heather was a pretentious snot, but she was once a pretentious snot who didn’t kowtow to Tamra – which made her semi-tolerable. Heather is unrecognizable when her lips are stuck on Tamra’s  pinky ring.

Up next? A planned hike through local temples. Lizzie, Danielle, and Shannon are wearing comfortable clothing and shoes for trekking through the “monkey crap” since there will be monkeys everywhere. Heather, Vicki, and Tamra are dressed as if they’re going to lunch – including open sandals and sparkly  jewelry. Lizzie notes how big the divide is between the two groups just based on style of dress. Tamra snarks in a TH that Lizzie is wearing “booty shorts” to go hiking. If it matters, the hemline on Lizzie’s shorts pretty much falls where the hemlines on Vicki’s dress and Tamra’s “booty shorts covered by a long shirt” fall. Seriously, Tamra, STFU. 

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Even though I often hate when HWs go on location, the images from Bali are spectacular, even more if you mute the sound of the HWs. As the y drive toward the temple, Vicki can’t figure out how the driver knows where he’s going without street signs (since none are posted).  There is conversation about how an entire section of Pier 1 looks just like Bali. By the time they make it to the temple, I’m afraid of what they’ll say to the tour guides, Hym and Adi. In a TH, Shannon waxes poetic about spirituality in Balinese culture (waxes poetic? Not really, she rambles).  Heather says that she refers to herself as a Bujew (Buddhist?) but maybe she’ll become a HinJew after this trip. Buddhists and Hindus are probably trying to figure out how to introduce her to the Shintoists, who will introduce her to… you get the point. The wives are all welcomed and spritzed by a flower dipped in water. Vicki and Tamra act as if being spritzed is akin to drowning. Vicki thinks the beautiful temple looks like a funeral home. 

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Later she lifts up on a carved stone pillar to touch a large carved wood cabinet that, as it turns out, should only be opened during ceremony.  She just wanted to check to see if there was a head inside –dropping down and gasping to fool Heather and TamraHeather actually asks if there is a head inside.  Yeah. Ok.  I would pay these women to renounce their citizenship and claim to be from some other part of the world, right now. 

What is inside the cabinet? One of the tour guides explains that it contains Prayers, offerings, and holy water. Vicki adds, “…that’s your story and you’re sticking to it.” Hym and Adi either don’t get the joke or they aren’t amused. Speaking of “Dumb and Dumber,” both Heather and Vicki seem to lose IQ points whenever they pal around with Tamra. As they leave the temple Vicki announces a dinner party she’s planning in another two weeks and wants to stop and buy Balinese crowns for “the boys.” I’m already sick thinking of the dinner party.  These things never end well.  Vicki again, in a TH, again calls Shannon and Danielle dumb and dumber when they buy the same item at two different prices.  Shannon, and Lizzie, Tamra and Heather get fish pedicures, where the fish eat the dead skin away. Shannon freaks out and it’s hilarious. Tamra is screaming and it’s not hilarious. Heather is calm, as is Lizzie.  At the end, Tamra thinks it’s a clever way to get money, Shannon thinks her heels feel smoother.

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Back in the van, again, Vicki is screaming watching the monkeys who are OUTSIDE of the van. They get out and Dubrow shows some courage by hand feeding one who climbs up her body to eat from her raised hand. Color me impressed. She then yells at Vicki and Tamra to CHILLAX as they scream when the monkeys approach. Tamra jokes that she just got rid of her crabs, she doesn’t need fleas. I’ve never had sympathy for fleas, until now. Shannon takes the Dubrow challenge and also feeds the monkeys. Again, I’m impressed. Tamra refers to the monkeys as a street gang and she doesn’t want to get gang banged. My niece turns and looks at me.  I am ashamed to be a RHOC viewer for just a moment. Screw it, I have nine years invested. I’ll ride it out. Tamra shouldn’t worry. The monkeys have better taste –sorry, Eddie. As the women are enjoying the beautiful view, Vicki – who has stopped at the ladies’ room, loudly screams that she has no toilet paper. Tamra tells her to use a monkey to wipe herself.  K-L-A-S-S-Y, ya’ll. Klassy!  I’m just glad my niece left the room. I can take only so much viewer-shame.

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We’re back at the hotel and the women are poolside. Heather and Tamra are going biking. Shannon and Vicki are going to the spa –which Shannon refers to as her holistic heaven. Shannon and Vicki are fun and play like children. Note: no screaming and yelling, no childish outbursts from Vicki. Shannon feels that she doesn’t have a care in the world. As attention turns to the bike trail, Heather, who hasn’t ridden a bike in years, makes me fearful just watching her. She’s scary on a bike. Back at the hotel, poolside Danielle and Lizzie want to confront Tamra for being so rude, but without getting on her level. In a TH, Lizzie wants Tamra to cut the crap, she says she’s pretty sure she’s taller than Eddie. She doesn’t want him. Shannon and Vicki are talking about the apology that Lizzie and Danielle gave Shannon, explaining that they thought she was “crazy” because of Tamra. While Tamra and Heather are out, the other four women are talking. Lizzie tells Shannon that Tams wanted to give her a colonic because she thought Shannon was so full of shit. YIKES!

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The Vicki I adore is waking up again. She’s sad and embarrassed that Tamra would hurt Shannon. Danielle is shown, in flashbacks, saying really lovely things about the Beadors, only to have Tamra chime in with negative comments. Danielle calls Shannon classy, Tams adds “as long as she’s not drunk.” Danielle calls David a “good guy.”  Tams adds that he’s not sleeping with his wife. THIS is what Bravo really wants from a HW??!??! Danielle must have been turned into a ghost for having too many positive things to say. Vicki realizes that she’s disliked Lizzie because of Tamra. Vicki, in a TH, realizes that Tamra has a dark place where she can’t seem to find peace. Vicki brings up Brooks and her difficult past with him and Tamra only to learn that Tamra is still going around town bashing Brooks. We see in flashbacks that Tamra is trashing Brooks behind Vicki’s back –at times when Vicki is in the same room but not listening to her. She finds out that just a month before, Vicki was calling Brooks creepy.  While poor Heather is out with Tamra, the other four women have developed a “f-ck with my friends f-ck with me” bond.

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For dinner, our fabulous four are sitting and watching a traditional Balinese dance. In a TH, Lizzie copies the chggga-cha sound the dancers make and ends with “Chaka Khan.” SCORE! Heather and Tamra return. Shannon has planned to confront Tamra later that evening. The exchange between Shannon and Heather is pleasant. She starts the evening by thanking Heather for including her with the other women on the trip. Shannon is very gracious.  Heather likes vacation Shannon and thinks they could be friends. Tamra notices Vicki is quiet, even as the two groups talk about the day they’ve had. Tamra wants Vicki to go to the ladies room, Vicki refuses. Heather, oddly enough, out of the blue apologizes to Shannon for her behavior and even says that she feels terrible if she caused Shannon pain – she says that she’s not one to spread gossip so she’s sorry for her part in what happened. Equally out of the blue, she would also like Shannon to know how ANGRY Terry was when David told her to spread her legs when she got up on the bull at the groundbreaking ceremony. The Bravo editors must think it’s all bull, too, because they show the clip of Terry laughing heartily when David says it. Shannon thinks things will be even better when David apologizes to Terry. Tamra is silent – no apology.  S-u-p-r  D-u-p-r K-l-a-s-s-y! Vicki is so livid that she’s making Tamra (and me) nervous.  It feels as if Vicki would slap Tamra if she was sitting any closer.

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When Tamra goes to the bathroom, alone, Vicki opens up and shares with Heather what’s going on. Heather seems sympathetic. When Tamballs returns, Shannon confronts her with what she’s heard from Lizzie and Danielle. Tamra says it was taken out of context it’s not what she said.  In a TH, Tamra admits that she has said things about Shannon but claims it was only after that night at Lizzie’s. She thinks Lizzie is deflecting from her comments at Heather’s dinner. Both Lizzie and Danielle claim that Lizzie said “Marry” not “F-ck.” Tamra is yelling so loud she catches the attention of, pretty much, everyone in the restaurant. Heather swears that she and Terry heard Lizzie say the other, not Marry. Yet Heather can’t tell the difference between someone yelling and not yelling. Shannon brings up the “Take the Beadors down” comment and says she’s sure Tamra made it up, she’s heard how Tamra likes to play both sides and Tamra  said it to her of five different occasions, so why would she have believed, at the time, it was a lie?

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When Tamra again tries to turn the tables on Lizzie and bring up the Eddie comment, Lizzie tells her she’s crap and the most insecure woman she’s ever met (among other things) – sending Tamra running from the table screaming that they’ll never see her face again. No one chases after her. Heather comforts a fraying Vicki, who is crying thinking about how hard she’s worked to forgive Tamra. It kills Vicki to hear that Tamra tells her and Brooks that she loves them and then hears about how she talks so badly about him behind his back.

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Heather is stunned when she hears what Tamra had to say about her – though in her TH she says she’s tired of the “she said-she heard” business from this group. Tams reportedly called her anorexic and a fake friend. She reportedly commented that it was fake to have Heather in her wedding. Given Tamra’s  comments about Heather earlier in the season while at Shannon’s for dinner, who could be shocked? Heather decides to go see Tamra. Despite what we’ve seen in the video of Tamra trashing everyone, Tamra claims that Shannon is just a hurt woman lashing out, but that Lizzie is basically manipulative, lying, evil bitch. What? The woman who thinks it’s her job to stir up drama with everyone? The woman who has been caught on camera saying things she claims she never said? SHE thinks someone else is an evil lying bitch? Heather seems to be buying Tamra’s “outrage.” She also seems desperate to get Tamra to say that she loves her and that’s why she asked her to be in her wedding.  There are days when it feels like it’s clear that Heather is snobbier than she is smart. This is one of those days.

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Vicki is feeling sorry for Tamra for who/what she is. Tamra is screaming that Vicki should know better and that she should know that they weren’t telling the truth. Heather comes back to report “fragile” Tamra’s state.  They decide they’re all going home. What a waste of beautiful landscape.

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Next up? The finale. The Dubrows are in prime (pathetic) form. See you there!


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