Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: One Flew Over the Chicken’s Nest [Episode 5]

On this episode of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” we continue the party at Bobby’s house. Jim Marchese has just informed Joey Gorga that he works for the same attorney general’s office that is prosecuting his brother-in-law. He then decided to call Joey a dumb f*ck. As Jim and Amber turn to leave the exciting party, Joey decides to go after Jim and address the dumb f*ck comment.

He also wants to stick up for Joe Giudice because while they may have had their differences in the past, they love one another, damn it! Dina tells Joe Giudice to stay in the kitchen. Tre bolts out to see what’s going on. While Joey and Jim are having a face-to-face argument, Jim tells him to back up because he was invading his personal space. Mel comes outside and grabs Joey’s arm and tells him to get in the house. He wants to continue talking to Jim.

Jim advised Joey to stop spitting in his face. Joey retorted that Jim couldn’t even “shine his shoes.” What?  “See that hand in my face?” asked Marchese. “Touch me, and I’ll have Colts Neck police arrest your ass.” That is when all of the men started laughing and Joey walked away with Rino’s hand on his back calling Jim a rat.

In his talking head, Jim tells us that he doesn’t fight physical.

“If I want to hurt you, I’m going to sue you. I’m going to leverage your house, I’m going to give you three years of hell in a courtroom, I’m going to bleed you dry financially, and I’m going to humiliate you as I depose you for eight hours and make you my bitch.”  Alrighty then . . .

Meanwhile Nicole is downstairs telling the pillars of community, and by community I mean the post office and Dunkin Donuts, about what a horrible person Amber is. All she (Amber) had to do was apologize.

To make things more awkward for Jim and Amber, outside she can’t find her car keys. She asks Teresa G. if she would go and find them for her because she doesn’t want to go back in the house. Jim tells Amber they will go in and find them. Once inside they are surrounded by Tre, Dina and Melissa. Tre wants to know exactly what he said about not wanting to be around her husband.

He tries to explain about the nature of his business which investigates mortgage fraud and because her husband was charged with fraud he couldn’t be around him and that her family was in danger if there was one-on-one contact. “We’ve been prosecuting mortgage fraud. I want you to think about that for a minute,” he says. Tre of course still didn’t understand. Where is that dictionary Melissa got her for Christmas? Jim asks the group “Jesus Christ does anyone here have an IQ greater than 12?”  Dina wants to know why he talks so condescending to women. He quips back “What don’t you understand? What is Joe being prosecuted for? Mortgage bank fraud. What do I do? Mortgage bank fraud prosecution.”

“Why did you come here,” Melissa asks him. Jim responds, “My best friend invited me. Why did you come here?” Dina had enough. As she walks away she tells Jim that he is obviously Amber’s bitch and to shove it up his ass. In her talking head, Dina says of Jim “The magnitude of his douchebaggery could clean a whale’s vagina.” Namaste Bitches!

Meanwhile Nicole and Bobby were being playful until she mentions that Amber told her Bobby would never marry her. When she asks him if he would marry her, he tells her that he doesn’t know if he wants to marry her. Wrong response Bobby. She gets angry and tells him that if he ever speaks to Amber again they are done (with a loud wiping of her hands). He yells “first of all (wiping of his hands) don’t ever do that again and second of all, Amber is my best friends wife and I had nothing to do with this fight.” Again, wrong response Bobby! Nicole says that any husband, boyfriend, fiancé of hers had better have her back 100% no matter what.

Amber is crying to Jim saying how upset she is this whole thing happened and that she should have just walked away.

To get her mind off of what happened at the party, Amber invited Tre and Dina to a spa. Tre tells us that “I don’t like to alienate anyone because it’s been done to me so I’m willing to hear Amber out.” Bahahaha that was funny to me. I guess she has forgotten the things she did in the past to Melissa, Danielle Staub, Caroline and the list goes on. As the esthetician tries to remove the dozens of layers of makeup on Tre, they talk about the party. Amber is very hurt over Melissa. The three of them discuss Melissa’s motives and Tre, keeping true to form, gets a dig in but ended it with saying that they were all good now. **rolls eyes** Dina says as far as Melissa is concerned “I think she’s very passive-aggressive. She stirs up some shit then walks away with half a smirk on her face.”

Meanwhile Tre wants to know what is being put on her face because it smelled funky. The lady said it was nightingale droppings. Amber says if it gets rid of the fine lines on her forehead she will put shit on her face every day. Amber says that her husband was very sorry for his part in the fight. Tre tells her that she just doesn’t like anyone bringing up what she is going through because it’s her business. Amber tells us that “Once I understand why Melissa did what she did, I can really try to be friends. Jesus forgives even the worst murderers in the world, and if Jesus does it, I can certainly do it.” Yes she just compared Melissa to a murderer.  On a side note did anyone else think both Amber and Tre looked a lot better without the dozens of layers of makeup on? In her talking head, Amber reminded me of a clown with the way her makeup was put on.

Back to Tre and Joe’s house, he announces that he has a surprise for them. He takes them in the backyard when he installed a chicken coop and bought some chickens and a rooster. His dad has one in upstate New York apparently so Joe wanted one too. Tre tells us that it is better for them because they don’t have preservatives or what is it? Oh steroids.

Dina got a call from Matt who asked her on a date. She is meeting him. He ends up being 30 minutes late because he had a flat tire on the way. And he couldn’t call her to let her know he was going to be late?. While Dina was waiting feeling like she was stood up and like a loser by herself, she orders a huge hot cocoa and an order of French fries. The date seemed forced and obviously Dina is nowhere near ready to begin dating especially since she told Matt that she is separated but they still live together. All in all though, Matt is nice, she just doesn’t know if he is very smart.

Amber and Jim are folding socks on their kitchen island when Bobby walks in. He wants to see where his friendship with Jim stands. Amber blasts him and says that she is ashamed of what HE did. Bobby is confused as he had nothing to do with any of what happened. Amber and Jim say that Nicole isn’t the one for him because “He doesn’t even like her that much.” Bobby says “Are you really going to sit here and talk out of your ass? You just can’t fabricate stories and make things up.” And with that they all agree that their friendship cannot get through this because Bobby is taking Nicole’s side and not theirs. Oh boo hoo what is this grade school?

Over at the Gorga’s home, Melissa has invited the twins over for dinner. Once they arrive they are smitten with how cute Antonia is and how she is in cheerleading.

At the Giudice home, Gia calls the house from her cell phone. One of the dogs ate two of the chickens. It was gross and upsetting. Next we see Joe, Rosie and Milania taking a road trip to get some replacements chicks. While Milania was talking to the animals, Joe and Rosie decided to light up and chit chat. Rosie wanted him to know that she was there for him to do whatever – meet for a drink, talk on the phone, whatever. He appreciated it and said they “have a good team.”

Dina and Lexi are getting matching tattoos because they are best friends and have a special bond. The tattoo was a small pink heart that was placed on their wrists. Lexi asks Dina how her date went and told her not become a cougar. Dina assures her that she will not and says that she doesn’t go after younger men, they go after her.

Melissa and Amber decide to meet to see if they can rectify their current situation. They begin with idle, uncomfortable chit chat. Amber tells us “I don’t necessarily need that big apology but just some sort of explanation and empathy for that mayhem she created.” Yes, she actually said that. Melissa brings up the party first and Amber says it was trashy beyond belief and that she will NEVER speak to the twins again. Amber tells Melissa that what she told her was said in confidence and she shouldn’t have repeated it.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have said that to me. It was your friend. I don’t know why you’re putting me in the middle, to even tell me something like that,” Melissa responds. They argue about whether or not Amber had said the rumor was something she heard and didn’t present it as fact. For the record she did say she heard it through the grapevine – not that it should give her a free pass to repeat it.

Amber tells Melissa she is being a liar and a troublemaker and a pot-stirrer and that she feels guilty. “Because of what you did, I got into a fight with two girls.” Once again I’m falling off my chair laughing. Melissa asks Amber what her agenda is to which Amber says ever since Mel came back into her life she’s had nothing but problems. She then adds she doesn’t know what’s happened to her in the past decade but she has become a very tainted woman. TAINTED!!

Melissa suggests that all of the women have a sit down and discuss this “he said she said matter” and squash it once and for all. Amber says that’s not happening.  However previews for next week show Amber and Nicole together.

Until then, Reality Lulu

 

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