Tonight’s episode of the “Real Housewives of Orange County” begins with the housewives eagerly getting ready for the trip to Bali, each wife excited in her own way, thinking about her family while packing and looking forward to what each hopes will be a good time. Heather hopes it will be peaceful, spiritual and cleansing. She would be better off wishing for a winning lottery ticket. It’s not just the title that tips us off that trouble is a-brewing. Tamballs Barney Judge seems geared for a fight. Have a seat before what comes next. Tamra refers to Lizzie (!!!) as very self-absorbed. She is not a Lizzie fan, and wants the world to know it – or at least the person on the other end of the phone. It’s all the proof I need that there are script writers for this show – someone loves hardcore irony if Tamra is calling Lizzie self-absorbed. Lizzie appear to have the most apprehension about the trip. We find out that Tamra texted Danielle the day after Lizzie’s birthday, making fun of her dress. She wonders what kind of friend Tamra is. That joke writes itself.
Vicki teases that the trip is literally 900 hours, and says she’s celebrating Halloween, Christmas, and New Year’s while there. Sometimes I forget just how funny she is. While in flight we see these women as they probably are when the cameras aren’t rolling. They are completely likable and look real. They behave like real people. The complaining doesn’t start until they land and realize how hot and humid Bali is. Vicki climbs into the airport van drivers’ seat, blows the horn and starts screaming to get the show on the road before she starts driving. It’s cringe worthy. The wives are disappointed by the less than scenic route to the hotel – Tamra says she thought the place was more like Bora Bora than Tijuana… apologies to our neighbors in Bali and Tijuana. They are all overly excited by the “whole families” riding together on Vespas, zipping past the van and weaving through traffic.
Shannon is in her heyday under the hotel porte cochère, not to be confused with the Dubrow porte cochère (snicker). She has Vicki with her and the ladies are greeted with flowers for their hair, a dab of frangipani water, and what appears to be a little relaxation oil. Someone should have stressed the relaxation part to Vicki because the only thing she cares about is getting a working internet connection. The rooms are amazing. It turns out that the trip took 25 hours and, despite exhaustion, Shannon promises us that she’s ready for fun, that “vacation Shannon is fun, times 10.” Vicki finds that she has a working internet connection. SUCCESS! HAPPINESS! In Bali? Why not just vacation at a Red Lobster, people?
Next they are at dinner together, and Heather produces Balinese crowns she’s purchased for everyone. Shannon jokes that at least it will hide the frizz in her hair. Vicki, in a TH, says that they look like dumb asses. She proceeds to prove herself right when the waiter tries to explain that the dish they’re about to eat is a prawn mousse, and Vicki questions (using hand gestures) if it’s a shrimp that swims – hands wide, wading in imaginary water, or if it’s a moose, it can’t be both. Exasperated Heather explains to her what the waiter means. There is room for condescension, and this is one of those times. The meal goes well. No one has thrown a blow, verbal or physical. I think they’re all too tired.
The next day begins with sitting under umbrellas on the beach and drinking cocktails. They talk about elephant rides and kayaking. In a TH, Tams warns Shannon about Vicki being klutzy and is sure Vicki is going to cause some sort of accident if the two of them go kayaking. Danielle and Lizzie are in the pool discussing Vicki’s “dumb and dumber” comment. Lizzie is cool, she’s over it, especially since Vicki came to her dinner that night. Danielle is still steaming and wants to air it out. Lizzie thinks Tamra is the real culprit, talking about people behind their backs. Danielle doesn’t seem to care for Tamra, either. Vicki does not disappoint. The women pass by an abandoned boat on the water and Shannon is sure Vicki will try to board it. Vicki tries and knocks them both into the ocean, as well as their cocktails. They arrive safely back on shore, but are in need of new cocktails to settle their nerves. They are very much the “Ramona and Sonja” of the OC, and I thank them for that.
The bus arrives for the 30 minute trip to the elephant ride. Vicki gets carsick, having asked not be seated in the back. She feels that being the oldest, her age should count for something – she wanted the front seat. The group learns the hard way to take heed. Vicki dry heaves and begins vomiting when she exits the bus. Vicki asks Shannon for a home remedy to help her – Shannon has not one item with her. I sure hope Sophie is watching to remind her mother that she made her travel to Rome with what appeared to be a small pharmacy! The rest of the ride is equally eventful, Vicki is screaming and flipping out at the number of turns the van is making. It appears the other wives have learned a small lesson, she is at least complaining from the front seat instead of the back. As they arrive Heather warns the women not to scream, they’ll scare the elephants and says that she wants a glass of champs while on the elephant. I was hoping she’d forgotten she tried to make “champs” happen.
Vicki rides with Heather, Shannon with Lizize, Tams and Danielle. Vicki behaves like a three year old and screams because the elephant’s hair is tickling her feet – picking her feet up to lay her legs across Heather’s. Heather is immediately afraid of tipping over because the carriage is now unbalanced. Even Shannon is exhausted (and says so) by Vicki’s drama and wants her to take a break from it.
Lizzie talks to Shannon about the party and Tams’ behavior. Lizzie apparently learned that Tamra knew that morning that she wasn’t going to the party and waited until she was in the bus waiting for at least an hour before calling. Tamra and Shannon are having a blast discussing Tamra – who probably doesn’t hear them because she’s amazed and excited at the sight of an elephant penis. Shannon wants to know where things end with Tamra and wants to know who she thinks she is, given her behavior. Heather reports that she and Vicki had fun, once Vicki stopped screaming.
The interstitial is Cindy the elephant playing the harmonica. Vicki, in a TH, comments that in 7th and 8th grade she played the clarinet so they are both musicians. Damn it. I’m getting soft. I found that endearing.
It’s dinner, drinks are ordered – never a good sign for peaceful, spiritual, and cleansing times. The heat is driving them mad. The good news, according to Heather, is that she’s losing weight #nowords. Vicki wants to skinny dip #stop. Tamra tells Danielle that her itchy butt is a sign of good luck #classy. Vicki makes the unfortunate “Dumb and Dumber” comment again, #why… Danielle wants to clear the air. Lizzie describes Vicki’s approach to the bus, as she uttered those words, as hysterical. Vicki denies being hysterical. They can at least admit they had a great time together that night. Lizzie says that all she did was have a party and everyone was “shit” to her.
Now Tamra is involved and wants to know exactly who Lizzie was referencing. Lizzie asks why Tamra didn’t call the next day, but made the time to text Danielle to mock her dress. Tamra shows evidence that they exchanged texts that night, but Lizzie doesn’t care because of the mean texts send to Danielle the next day. Heather is glad they at least made it 24 hours without a fight, and is extra glad no one is yelling at her. ::sigh::: Has she gone 24 hours without making that reference? Lizzie says she’s over it. Vicki orders more drinks (really?). Heather realizes that it’s not over because they are not talking and working it out.
Lizzie thinks Tamra should be human and apologize for hurting her. She talks about crying that night and being hurt. She even took her pain out on her husband (in previously unaired footage, we see her crying in Danielle’s arms as she threatens to leave her husband if birthday #35 is also a disaster and when he walks to the front of the bus she smacks at him for, basically, being impotent, asking him why doesn’t he get a boner once a week). Sweet hot sauce and crab cakes. It was brutal. No hitting below the belt? Lizzie dropped the belt to his knees to hit him with that one.
Each camp separates. It comes to light that Heather got a similar text from Tamra making fun of Lizzie and Tams is even more pissed off at Heather, now, because Heather has the texts to show her. Neither Vicki nor Tamra will look at them. I think it’s funny that everyone seems to save Tamra’s every message. That’s telling. I wonder if Heather is re-thinking her stance that Tamra would NEVER have told Shannon and David that the Dubrows wanted to take them down.
How the hell long has Lizzie been holding on to her secrets??? She spills what could be all of the tea, or just a splash. It is hard to tell. She tells Shannon to be careful of calling someone a friend. While Shannon thought she was building a real friendship with Tamra, apparently Tamballs was making fun of Shannon behind her back. Tamra told ALL of them about the email from David, although she said she only told Heather to get Heather to leave her alone. Lizzie tells Shannon that Tamra, her friend, talked crap about her – telling others that Shannon needs an exorcism, has three Martians around her head, and that Tams does impersonations of Shannon. We learn Tamra is still trashing Vicki and Brooks, mostly Brooks. Lizzie even spills that Tamra talks crap about Heather.
We conclude with Vicki and Tams in bed, Vicki sympathizing with Tams. Vicki is hearing from Tamra that after a game of “shag, marry, kill” at Heather’s Valentine’s day dinner, Lizzie thinks Eddie wants to have sex with her. Lizzie’s version is that she and Eddie said they would marry one another, Christian and Tamra picking shagging one another. We need some to roll footage on this one! (My DVR cut off so if there if there was confirmation of anyone’s story, I’m guessing Lizzie told the correct version of the story!).
Until next week. I can only imagine that things get worse. We might need to hold hands and sweat through the next episode, together, friends!
Don’t forget to stop by my Coffee at Café Russe blog. I ask about daytime controversy, traditional daytime vs. what passes, today.