Saaphyri, Wired for Reality
The latest episode of “Botched” kicks off with Saaphyri, a reality star who first made her mark as a bootylicious contestant on the Flavor of Love before moving on to a few other reality TV gigs. Feeling the burn of media scrutiny, she lost weight, which resulted in the unhappy consequence of deflating her boobs – “there wasn’t no meat to keep them up,” she laments. Her quest to look like a “chocolate barbie,” led her to the operating table of an unscrupulous discounted doctor. His solution to her culling belly? Inserting a wire girdle which left an unsightly dent across her stomach. Wow – this is making victorian whale bone corsets sound like lounge wear. He also bestowed her with uncomfortably large breast implants. In her talking head segment she explains that she wants “professional breasts, not stripper breasts,” and that she wants to feel as confident as a guy that is “wearing women’s underwear.” In a weird way that actually makes sense when you hear her say it.
As she bounces into Dr. Nassif and Dubrow’s office she describes, among other things, waking up in the midst of her last surgery and being told to shut up. Apparently Saaphyri wasn’t t the only dissatisfied customer. In a plot that sounds like something straight out of a Law & Order episode, a patient died in her surgeons home post-bungled-op and shortly thereafter the “good doctor” was found murdered at a Frostee Freeze in L.A. Saaphyri, the I Love Money alum turns to Dr. Nassif and Dubrow for help in correcting the dearly departed doc’s mistakes.
Madonna’s a Drag
Next, we briefly meet Adam, a.k.a. Venus D Lite, “the Madonna who had plastic surgery to look like Madonna.” He’s undergone seven procedures to look like the material girl, but he’s reached a point in his career where he just needs a new nose.
After the break we meet Diana. She was born with troubled breathing and after her older sister went for rhinoplasty and was pleased with her results, Diana followed in big sis’s footsteps with a far less successful outcome. She was left with a Miss Piggy-esque profile and zero improvement to her obstructed passageways. During her consultation, Diana reveals that has saved for ten years in hopes of having Dr. Nassif refine her snout. The pressure is on – and not just in her nasal passages. Dr. Nassif looks truly touched – perhaps because they share Middle Eastern roots?
We then return to Adam as he meets with a customer in a fabric shop. He declares that his dedication to Madonna is not just of a sartorial fashion. His devotion has literally been stitched into the contours of his face – and he is hoping his nose will follow suit.
Next we see Saaphyri on the gurney as she is prepped for surgery by the anesthesiologist. He describes her drugs cocktail as a medley of half a bottle of chardonnay and two Hennesseys. Brilliant. I’d like to see the anesthesiologist’s reality show! During the procedure, Dr. Dubrow is concerned that Saaphyri’s nipples may “die.” Thankfully they seem viable as he moves on to performing lipo on her abdomen along with removing a cross section of skin. The surgery ends on an up note – belly button in just the right spot.
Back in the consultation office, Dr. Dubrow comments on Dr. Nassif’s tan. He explains that he has just returned from a scalpel wielding tour of the Middle East. The majority of his work there is revision rhinoplasty in nature. Diana will be in good hands!
After their heart to heart, Adam arrives at the doctors’ dressed to the nines in drag as his idol, the queen of pop. He’s desperately seeking surgeons to give him Madonna’s notched nostril look. Despite his impassioned pleas for recreational rhinoplasty, Dr’s. Nassif and Dubrow refuse to operate on his nose. They insist that it looks like a younger version of Madonna’s schnoz…and after he gives the docs an impromptu instruction in vogueing, Adam is convinced to hold off…for now anyway.
When we get back to Diana, she is primed for her procedure. Cartilage from her ribcage is removed to craft a nose tip. Dr. Nassif has a dilemma – whether or not to narrow her nostrils. Since Diana is unconscious, he must defer to her sister. She makes the executive decision and gives him the green light – they trust him after all. But is that really legal or just window dressing?
Meanwhile Saaphyri is enjoying cookies in the waiting room. In the exam room, Dr. Dubrow wants to make sure “nothing is dying.” It’s good to have such high standards! She is happy with the size and position of her areola – and the fact that her nipples are getting hard is the best news Dr. Dubrow could have heard. Again – no nipple death! Yay.
In the last installment of this episode, Diana comes in for her final consultation looking like an eggplant with eyes. Her deep purple bruising is alarming, but she seems cheerful enough and even submits to some laser zaps on her face in the hopes of hastening the healing process. Once she has recovered, she gets dolled up and hosts a party to debut her sophisticated new sniffer. Her sisters, who have all also enhanced their snoots, declare her nose job the best in the family. Success is nothing to be sniffed at.
Next thing you know, Saaphyri heads to Beverly Hills in a stretch limo, plenty of champagne on tap. Her two “bitches,” ahem, I mean friends, seem delighted to see her and her new figure. They cruise around BH as she shows off her perfectly post-op physique. Her gal pals grope her boobs in glee. And all is well in Botched land!
Tune-in for an all-new episode of “Botched” next Sunday at 10/9c on E!