Don’t Be Tardy Recap: The Biermann Bunch [Episode 1]

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Hold onto your wigs, Kim Zolciak-Biermann is back for another season of “Don’t be Tardy.”

Miss Fertile Mertile is pregnant – again. WITH TWINS! She has 2 teenage girls, 2 toddler boys and twins on the way.

Kim and Kroy are getting a new mansion. If you recall they were evicted from the mansion they were renting and ended up having to move into the townhouse that Big Papa bought for Kim. That was back when she wore nylon looking wigs and whorish makeup. She also drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney. And slept with rich old guys in order to have a lavish lifestyle. But I digress . . .


Fast forward a few years and Kim has real hair wigs – albeit Dolly Parton looking – and her makeup is toned down. She doesn’t drink or smoke that often because she’s always pregnant.

The new mansion is her dream home (I’m pretty sure she said that about the last one too). This home is something like 17,000 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a man cave, a media room all designed by Kim herself. (When you are finished laughing keep reading). Oh yeah, it has a state of the art security system with 59 cameras. Kim doesn’t trust anyone with her children other than Kroy and herself. (Was anyone else thinking that they put a camera above their bed to record all of the sex they have? I wouldn’t put it past them).

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Sweetie is back full-time with Kim because she always has Kim’s back. Although Kim admits it is difficult at times to have a friend work for her. Probably because we never see Sweetie do any actual work! Then there is Lana the Nanny.

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As they are moving into the mansion, Kim complains to Sweetie that her wig is too tight. Sweetie tells her to just take it off. I agree. After 5 years of these wigs just get rid of them. We’ve seen your natural hair and it’s beautiful. These wigs make you look bigger than you are. Not to mention in that hot Atlanta heat can you imagine what they smell like??? Chile please. Burn those things.

Kroy was injured last football season and sidelined. He needed surgery to repair his torn Achilles tendon. Kim is certain he will make a great comeback this season. He better if they want to stay in that enormous house and pay for all the help they are going to need.

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Kim is having contractions and they are driving to the hospital. The banter between her and Kroy is funny. Kim says she feels 50 lbs. pressure in her hoo-ha. She says that after birthing six children she wants her vagina sewed tighter. As she is getting out of the car, Kroy talks about her vagina muscles. She tells him to “keep your muscle to yourself.” Okay now I’m not liking this conversation. Go push out those babies already.

When getting settled in the birthing room, Kim says she should just have her own with her name on it because of all the time she spends there.  But she wants her name in diamonds Bitch.

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The doctor exams Kim and tell her that Baby B is breach. Or Ass first as Kim describes it. Doc wants her to have a C-section.  He gives Kim and Kroy a moment to talk about it. Kim doesn’t want a C-section because it’s major surgery with a longer recovery. They decide against it and inform the doctor.

Kim gets an epidural to ease the pain. She suddenly feels dizzy. Her blood pressure is dropping. The nurse calls for the doctor yelling “Baby A is down.” Kim wants to know what is wrong but no one is answering her. She is worried and naturally so. What woman wouldn’t be? Kroy was very calm and attentive to her.  The cameras were outside the door and we hear a couple grunts then the baby crying.  It’s baby girl Kaia Rose. Next is Baby B. The doctor is, as Kim explains, fist up to his elbow in her vagina trying to get the baby out. He was born folded in half butt first. Welcome Kane Ren.

Don't Be Tardy

They show the twins together and they are so stinking cute. Regardless of how people feel about Kim, you have to admit she makes some beautiful babies.

Don't Be Tardy

Next we see the placenta smoothie lady. She has Kim’s placenta, a blender and smoothie ingredients. Kim and Kroy are going to drink placenta smoothie because it is supposed to help with postpartum depression. She’s at a greater risk because of having twins. Her hormones are all over the place.

Kroy doesn’t want to drink it.  “It’s been inside of you.” They have another uncomfortable conversation about how he has been inside her before. Just drink the damn thing and shut down this conversation! They drink it and say it tastes like a regular fruit smoothie. Kroy says the taste of the placenta comes about three minutes after swallowing.

Don't Be Tardy

Two days later they arrive home with the babies. Kim says she feels skinny and that there will be an adjustment period. She told Kroy that she warned him when he met her that life would be crazy. It’s time begin life as the modern Brady Bunch. Meet the Biermann Bunch. As soon as they walk into their home everyone comes over to see the babies.

Three weeks later we hear Kim yelling for Kroy. She needs binky. She needs to pump. I had flashbacks to Kim lying in bed after getting her boobs done yelling “Sweeeeetieeee!” Kroy is trying to get some dinner made. Dinner consists of macaroni and cheese with chicken nuggets. He tells Brielle to watch the M&C who tells Ariana. Needless to say the dinner gets ruined. Kim is yelling for more things.

Speaking of Brielle and Ariana they are beautiful young ladies. I’m not sure about their matchy-match hairstyles of Kim’s wigs though. Brielle tells us they live in “mad house and that there is always a baby crying.”  They show Kroy running after KJ and Kash. No like literally running! Those boys are fast. Then there was the little nugget of KJ yelling to Kroy “I f-ing hate you.” Oh Milania, you have some competition girl. Watch out, KJ might just outshine you.

Don't Be Tardy

Next the family is getting ready for a Life & Style photo shoot to show the world the twins. Kim is making anyone and everyone wear a mask around babies for 90 days. She doesn’t want the germs that people have getting to the babies.

It’s relaxation time for Kim and Kroy in the Jacuzzi.  They have the baby monitor and champagne. We see the twins on the monitor but what about the other toddlers? Call me silly but when my kids were toddlers they were known for getting up and getting out of bed in the middle of the night. Anyways Kroy talks about having no feeling in his foot because the nerves are severed. Kim asks him if he will be ready for the football season. He says 150%.

Kim complains about Kroy grabbing her ass. She says that they need to talk about birth control. She wants him to take one for the team. “Vasectomy?” Kroy asks.  “F that,” Kim says she will get her tubes tied IF she can have a tummy tuck and her boobs redone. As we see from upcoming previews it looks like that is exactly what happens.

Don't Be Tardy

Also from the previews it looks like it’ll be an interesting season. Can Kim cope with six children? How much help is she going to need?

Until next time, LuLu


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