We open to a discussion of Carole’s birthday. While she’s away in London on a book tour, Heather and a crew of interns plan a 50th birthday party. The theme is “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.” Carole wants a thousand white lights in the trees, Spanish moss on the tables, white roses, the chandeliers from her apartment hanging overhead, real butterflies as centerpieces, polished apples, headless mannequins, a man walking a headless dog, a snake handler, a fog machine, antique lace around the door, pistols, and a host of other things. Sweet mercy, please tell me those interns are generously paid.
I’m having a Joan Jett moment! All I can hear, when I see Harry and Sonja is “I Hate Myself for Loving You.” WHY am I enjoying them so much as a couple? They are out shopping for items for Sonja’s dog. Harry talks about getting a dog with Sonja. She reports that things have been heating up in the last 2 months which is a surprise since they dated over 25 years ago. It’s amazing to see him look into Sonja’ s eyes the way he does. It seems genuine, you hope it’s genuine, and then you remember this is Harry. Harry has felt, to me, like the man Aviva married who was too much like her dear father. What kills the soulful eye-gazing moment is Sonja’s TH reminder that Harry is a serial cheater. She says she’d have to Velcro his ass to the sofa to stop him from cheating. Earlier she mentioned that he humiliated her with his cheating the last time they were together. So what happens, next? They take the leap and order a dog, together. Just.NO.
Kristen and Josh are waiting to see the marriage counselor when Josh tells her that they are going to work on a post nuptial agreement that night… not a good sign. It’s not clear if that means they don’t have a prenup, or if he just wants to renegotiate the terms of their earlier agreement. At this point, she’s earned well over half of their assets putting up with his crap. While meeting with the doctor, Kristen reveals that the couple never really talks about anything that is important, including having children, the kids just sort of came along. They deal with everything in their marriage after it has happened. When asked what they like about one another, Josh likes that Kristen always puts the children first. Kristen describes Josh as a good provider. It was a real “kiss your sister” moment. They talk about the last time they went out on a date. Kristen took photographic evidence of Josh being on the phone during that date. The same complaints they’ve been lobbing at each other all season come rolling out. The only new thing that Josh adds is that Kristen is spending energy on things that aren’t meaningful, to him. Kristen tearfully reveals that she feels her husband doesn’t love her.
We return from break with the same scene. If the marriage counselor heard their complaints as often as we have? I’m pretty sure he would be running from the office. Josh’s facial expression should clue him in as to what his own expression might be by the second or third visit – complete apathy. Kristen says she just wants more communication ,i.e “I love you, but I have to take this phone call…oh, and I’ll buy you a really nice handbag, later.” Josh counters with, “I love you and if you’re a good girl, when I’m done you’ll get ice cream for dessert.” Josh should come in for a few extra, individual, sessions. Kristen swears she won’t get upset about the phone calls if they’re paired with “I love yous.” Sure. She just wants him to communicate more, like telling her that he’ll be late coming home. Yeah, ok. Kristen is hopeful by the end of the visit that things will change. I think Kristen should refuse to sit and talk about post-nuptial –until she gets a good lawyer.
Ramona is losing it at the thought of Avery leaving. She channels her energy into helping Avery pack and into giving her a pep talk about how everyone will be ok. It’s quite a different side of Ramona and it’s endearing.
Aviva is meeting at “A Step Ahead: Prosthetics and Orthotics” with Heather Abbott, a Boston marathon bombing survivor, who is being fitted for a prosthesis. I am in awe when I remember that Aviva’s work is real, and leads to significant changes in the lives of real people. A Step Ahead is donating the prosthetic to Heather. Aviva mentions how much she loves the work she does, but that it reminds her of just how petty the other women have been. ::sigh::
Oh, it’s a sad, rainy day as Avery gets in the cab to go to the airport to leave for school. Ramona jokingly (?) talks about getting a place in Atlanta – something Mario is against saying that it’s time for her to spread her wings. They talk about how much they’ll miss her. Ramona also jokes that the house will be too empty, they should have/get another child. We are treated to flashback scenes of the Singer family from the first year of the show, forward, and it’s wonderful to see how Avery has grown and to know that things are going well for her, now. Mario and Ramona are proud… and they should be. THESE are the kinds of family scenes Bravo should share with us, more.
Sonja is meeting her Christian mystic for dinner – when you figure out what that means, don’t bother letting me know. I just keep thinking of how much sooner Sonja could have paid off her lawsuit if she didn’t spend so much money on what feels like quackery to me. Sonja flips out her mystic friend when she tells the waiter that tap water is fine since she wants her aluminum count to go up, because it gives you dementia. Then, she says, she’ll have an excuse for some of her behavior. She detours from her “ Science Friday” moment to tell the mystic to lay out the cards. Wait…whaaaaaa???? The cards tell her that her spiritual journey is very important to her right now. Pishaaaaa! No way! Next he tells her there will be more balance with money – it will increase for her… apparently the cards didn’t know that she’d have to sell her property to pay debts, and rent out her home. He tells her to pull one more for good luck, but pulls a card that tells her that a brunette in her inner circle is a devil in disguise. Sonja is disappointed to learn it’s not Carole. Sonja thinks it is probably LuAnn. What a lucky card, huh?
Heather has hired professionals to take over the party planning as Carole is praising Heather for getting shit done. Carole comes to help, but makes more demands and drives Heather a teeny bit crazy. The NYC Health Department won’t allow a snake handler to come into a restaurant #faithrestored. Carole is disappointed, since every party needs a good snake. As she reviews the guest list, Heather accidentally mentions Aviva’s name. Carole says that she’ll invite her to the next party, “Midnight in The Garden of Evil and Evil.” I’m still thinking of Aviva with Heather Abbott and don’t find Carole funny. All arrive at the party but Aviva. They all look dashing, beautifully dressed. Harry is looking at Sonja with puppy dog eyes, again. When asked about Jacques, who is missing, LuAnn lets everyone know that they’ve broken up.
Everyone is in black and white, Carole, who says that she feels sexy and empowered and has a great ass, shows up in a stunning red gown- with a red mask. Now that Carole is with the group, the attention turns back to Lu and Jacques. We find out that he’s told her that he misses her, but not the relationship. LuAnn’s heartbreak is palpable.
Harry, shortly after making goo goo eyes at LuAnn, something that gets him into trouble with Sonja, tells Sonja he wants a real relationship with her, not just be with her sexually. He wants to take things to the next level. He gives her the equivalent of a commitment ring, but not an engagement ring. It’s to tell her he loves her.
The rest of the episode brings us:
Heather’s toast to Carole, which begins with a disastrous mic check and a reference to her not being Puff Daddy –but ends on a funny note when she reads an email full of Carole’s “do not” list.
Sonja, believing she’s the last to know about the break up, turns the break up into vindication for herself, stating that Lu is no friend for withholding the truth. Consoling a friend? What’s that?
An interstitial of Luann and Heather singing about Carole turning 50 and not giving a shit… I honestly thought Luann was yelling at Carole, at first, not realizing she was signing. I’m saving this episode on my DVR, just for that one moment. Awesome. Both are so bad the guests are cringing. I’m thinking that Sonja is re-living her Hamptons cabaret act and feeling pretty damned good about herself right now.
And finally the worst moment of the night… while Sonja is telling Ramona about the ring, and Ramona is telling Sonja she told Harry to step up or risk losing Sonja, Harry is off flirting with LuAnn. Lu appears annoyed, at first. Sonja’s Christian mystic will be getting phone calls from half of the upper Eastside after this episode, I’m guessing. We hear LuAnn tell Harry she’s single now, and adds, “let’s get out of here.” Sonja is left behind.