Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Criminals, Crying and Welcome The Crazies [Episode 1]

Ahhh here we are. It’s the premier of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Get out your Fabellini, Milania Hair Care, On Display CD, Cannoli’s, Skinny Italian cookbooks, handcuffs and whatever else you need to get yourself in the spirit. Here we go:

We won’t be seeing Jacqueline Laurita or Caroline Manzo this season. Jacqueline claimed on Twitter she left because of the negativity. Oh the lies and delusions! Caroline of course has convinced the powers at be at Bravo, that she could pull off a spin-off – Manzo’d with Children will air sometime this fall.

[READ] VIDEO: Caroline Manzo’s New Series “Manzo’d With Children” Officially Picked Up By Bravo!

So we have replacements. If this were the “Bad Girls Club” we would know that the replacements are always referred to as such and that it is very difficult for them to blend in with the regulars.  Let’s see if that happens here.

Dina Manzo (from season 2) is back and wants us to kiss her ass. No really she said so. She still isn’t talking to her sister Caroline or brother Chris. who is married to Jacqueline. She is going through a divorce.

Amber Marchese was friends with Melissa a long time ago. Keyword being WAS. Then we have twins, Nicole Napolitano and Teresa Aprea. Word is they will cause the most drama this season with Amber.

We begin by reviewing last season. Next, Melissa and Joe are watching television on February 28, 2014. The news is covering the indictments against Teresa and Joe Giudice. Melissa calls Teresa to see if what they said on the news is true or not. Teresa says “No.” In her Talking Head (TH) she says it’s because they haven’t accepted a plea deal, however, four days later they appear in court and plead guilty.

Gia asks Teresa what was happening and tells Teresa she knows what is going on. Teresa again says that things were said that weren’t true and it’s something that mommy will handle. Gia cries. Teresa hugs her. And I see where this is all going. Hello Judge Esther Salas are you watching?

Skip to three months later there is chaos at the Giudice home. Miliana is refusing to get serious about doing homework so Gabriella comes to do for it her help. Miliana then asks Teresa if she can go read a book while Gabriella finishes her work.

In walks Cat Woman. Oh wait, that’s Dina. In her TH, a producer asks how things are between her and Caroline. Dina rolls her eyes.

Dina gives Teresa a guardian angel bracelet. Teresa tells Dina she wakes up in the middle of the night. She thinks about all of the money they are paying to attorney fees. Money that should be for their girls college funds. Dina tells Teresa that she is stressed over separation with her husband because of his love of other girls with big tits. But she gets through it by collection ugly unwanted animals. Score one for PETA.

Back to Melissa. She is meeting Teresa and their girls are doing gymnastics classes. They talk about how glad they are that they are in a better place. Now they are talking about the new girl Amber. She is having a party. Mel invites Teresa who invites Dina. What could possibly go wrong?

We meet Amber. She is a psycho party planner. At least she admits she is a controller who wants everyone to do everything right in order to make her life happy. Her husband Jim comes through the door with a dead pig. That makes Amber scream and their little girl cry.  These people are not making a good first impression for me. They have four children who must do what Mother Amber says or all that Mother Amber giveth, Mother Amber will taketh away.

She talks about how close she and Melissa were but once Mel got married she dropped off the face of the earth and how she misses her.

Dina is back and talking about how important being zen is to her. She is talking to zen therapist about her fears of not being able to love again and she’s afraid of dying as a lonely cat lady. Well if the cat fits! She doesn’t want to file for divorce yet because she hasn’t found anyone else yet. Dina admits she and Tommy live separate lives but they come together at night for sex. But do they spoon?

Oh dear God. Teresa’s youngest girls are making breakfast. Teresa gets in her dig to her cousin, Kathy Wakile, on national television about how she is starting a desert line. “oh shut your butt hole” one of the brats kids yells in response. Teresa just smiles. She tells us about how she needs to keep money coming in so of course she will do what’s next – a desert line. At this point I want to take a cannoli and shove it in her mouth. Enough!

Okay the twins Nicole and Teresa are up. They are talking with Amber and making drinks talking over one another. The twins attended private Catholic girl’s schools where they wore name tags and switched them to confuse people. Let’s get the name straight. It’s TUH-RESSA. Not TER-ESA. Don’t f*ck it up. She will cut a bitch.

Nicole was married. Had the perfect life for 14 years but she doesn’t know what happened. She is seeing someone for nine months. The key to happiness she says is dunkin donuts and oral sex. I have to admit she is kind of right here. What? Come on people channel your inner zen and you will admit it to. Tuh-ressa on the other hand was married, divorced and then married her ex-husband again. They are now happy. He owns a couple of restaurants.

It’s the day of the party. Dina asks Teresa how she feels about walking into a group of people. She says that other people are going through things too but because she is a public figure it’s “out there.” Yes there are so many of us that have 41 counts of felony crimes against us that we pled guilty to and are awaiting sentencing. Myself, I was fined for a parking ticket not being paid on time what’s your point?

Yay everyone is arriving and being all nicey nice. Amber is freaking out because people are not being respectful of her home. Obviously there are some non-Italians up in that b*tch because there’s food on the floor & snow being dragged in. However outside, Dina and Teresa are walking in shoes on an un-shoveled walk.

Ohhhh people are whispering they can’t believe Teresa is there. Dina starts conversing with Amber and is talking about her charity. Amber then starts talking about her breast cancer. She said that she learned to “Be the best person you can be at all times.” They are bonding.

Amber moves over to Melissa. “I wanted to talk to you. What happened to you? I hadn’t heard from you, you know when I had the cancer.” Melissa says she didn’t know about “the cancer.” “Breast cancer. You remember the breast cancer,” Amber says. At this point I feel like I’m watching an Abbott & Costello movie. “Breast Cancer,” Melissa says again. “How did you not know that? You sent me a Facebook message saying if there’s anything you can do let me know,” Amber questions. Seriously people, I’m over this conversation. Let me know when someone pulls someone’s hair.

Oh there goes Nicole’s boyfriend. . .  he’s had enough. He wants to go to Florida.

Melissa tells Teresa and Dina the Amber story. She doesn’t like it when people accuse her of things that aren’t true. Teresa says she knows the feeling. Do they even know how alike they truly are?

We are back to the Giudice house. It’s a giant family reunion and they are going to take a family portrait. Everyone is dressed in black.  Well except for Nonna. She is wearing red. The star once again is Miliana. She states she has a big butt just like her mother and that the person doing her hair is “the worst hairdresser ever.” Holy hell, you just know this kid is going to end up on the “Bad Girls Club” – teen edition. You mark my words.

Joe Giudice goes to the top of the stairs like a king addressing his kingdom and damn it all, if he didn’t pull at the heartstrings a bit. Talking about his grandparents, family and being there in good times and bad. He teared up. F*ck if I didn’t a little too. Meanwhile Gia is sitting on the floor crying her eyes out. Yeah, she knows what’s coming and that sucks. Now I lost whatever empathy I had for him. Who was thinking about the children?

Finally we have Gia crying on Joe’s shoulder. Then his father comes and it’s a big sob fest. Sad really since we all know he passed away suddenly at Joe and Teresa’s house last month. I just couldn’t with this final scene. Either it was very sincere or it was very well scripted. I want to believe the first but I am skeptical of this fambly.

If you didn’t see the short commercial of Milania at the counter with Dina and Teresa helping herself to food you missed it. Miliana went on to tell Teresa that she was funnier than her and that she can “Do whatever she wants.” Well I think she’s proven that as there appears to be no discipline whatsoever in that house. I say ship ‘em all to Amber’s house for a week.

Until next week . . .don’t forget any documents.

 

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