Tonight’s episode of the “Real Housewives of New York” was titled “Ten Gallon Spats,” to which Bravo could have added “and Assholes in Hats.” I’m beginning to believe that some crafty producer is telling these women that in order to bring the drama they have to be angry, bitter, mean, etc. They’re about as much fun as a bag of rattlesnakes.
Kristen and Carole open the show discussing the need for a change of pace by hanging out at an upscale dude ranch in Montana. Unfortunately, the discussion takes place as the duo are on the way to Carole’s Brazilian wax and we’re all invited along. They talk about the bombs Sonja’s facialist dropped last week. Russ denies having any contact with Sonja, he has too much respect for Carole – who claims that Sonja is not his type, but having a penis makes him Sonja’s type. Case closed. She believes Russ. Remember, she thinks that Sonja is a “WMD” = Woman of Mass Destruction.
Next, are a series of scenes of Carole and Kristen alternating with scenes of Aviva and Ramona at a different spa. Aviva and Ramona are discussing the dude ranch idea, how boring it is (mainly Ramona) and the million and one reasons Aviva has, all medical, for not going. We’re back to Carole’s waxing. She wants Kristen to stay in the room as if it is some sort of bonding moment. RHOBH’s Richards sisters, I get. These two? Er, nope. Aviva has anxiety over just about everything, and says that she is still looking forward to going, hoping her next asthma tests are good and that she will be allowed to go. She wants to show everyone her “fun” side after the last disastrous trip – the trip to St. Barth’s.
Sonja is talking to “Pickles,” the intern, about her facelift in a bag – it’s some contraption with tape and string, etc. I predict that it ends up in Sonja’s product line sooner or later. They also discuss whether she’s packing her good St. Tropez /Hamptons underwear vs. cheap underwear/lingerie, pronounced lingeree in Sonja land. I know you are shocked that she wears underwear, so finding out that she even has categories of underwear requires sitting down with your feet up. Sonja doesn’t disappoint and states that there are times when she just has to go commando. I have no interest in knowing when those times are. Neither does Pickles, who spares us by not asking follow up questions.
Ramona and Kristen visit “Space Cowboy” to shop for boots for the trip. Ramona makes a comment that she has to dress down for the trip. Never change Ramona, never change… as if you could. Paul, the Space Cowboy, himself behaves as if he either hears music no one else is hearing – halfway dancing as he speaks, or as if he has to go to the bathroom, I can’t tell. He responds to a question about the type of boots needed to ride with a deeply offensive (racist) response. I won’t repeat what he said but the comment stuns Kristen and Ramona into silence. Ramona. Silent. Think about that. Ramona tells Kristen about Aviva’s asthma which Kristen doubts. Ramona, who earlier told Aviva put her health first, tells Kristen that she’s not sure what to believe about the asthma claim.
Aviva joins Kristen and Ramona at “Space Cowboy” and lets the women know about her condition, producing a doctor’s note – I love that about Aviva and I’m looking forward to the reunion. Kristen brings up the past phobias and whether the doctor is actually her friend, and whether she has a real illness. Aviva thinks the accusation is disgusting – telling Kristen she’s tired of being called a liar. Ramona looks pleased that she’s not at the center of the conflict. Kristen says that Aviva has a history of “this sort of thing” (words to that effect). Aviva responds by telling her she does not have a history of lying and pulls out of her purse what Ramona, in a TH, calls her “bag of crazy.” It is a bag of prescribed meds, which she hurls into Kristen’s lap bottle by bottle… cannot WAIT for the reunion. She even takes a hit from her inhaler to prove she has asthma. Aviva is hurt/angry/horrified that rather than say “sorry you can’t make it” that she’s called a liar. She calls Kristen a “BITCH” in return (oh yeah, all caps!). Kristen claims she always stands up for Aviva. Aviva says she does not and calls her rude, very rude. Kristen questions all of her past medical issues. It stops being funny and starts being serious bullshit. Kristen needs to learn to let things go even if she thinks Aviva is a walking “bag of crazy.”
Heather stops at Carole’s and they separate the girly girls, who like dinners and hanging out, from those who are willing to take on an adventure (Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Lu). HA! I can’t wait. Speaking of Kristen, she’s home packing. Cash, her 5 year old, is wearing a cowboy hat, telling Kristen to take a gun, all cowboys have guns – so he gives her one of his nerf guns. That kid is as cute as buttons! Kristen tells Josh about the confrontation with Aviva. He laughs and says that Kristen should have said “bitch, you’re at sea level, it’s not an issue right now.” They are made for one another. I have no sympathy for either any more. Now that they’re done snarking on Aviva, they turn on one another.
Josh says the kids will be fine with just him and Kristen makes it clear he’s not single daddy material. She thinks he’ll just drop the children off at the grandparents and run off to the Hamptons. He is indeed planning to be in the Hamptons, since he may never get another Labor Day like this one and it could be the last good weekend of the summer. To Kristen’s frustration, he is on his way back to work, even though it’s her last night before leaving. He does so even after their conversation just prior to that in which she notes that they’re doing more and more things apart rather than together. Josh is fine with it and thinks of the separate lives as a good thing.
There is a scene with Reid and Aviva discussing her health. What’s left to say?
At the ranch, the women seem to be having a good time, but they’ve only just arrived. As they plan for the cattle drive, Heather says that she nearly became a winter ski instructor/ summer ranch (“something or other”). I can see it. Heather seems to enjoy the outdoors more than any of the other wives. Ramona and Sonja worry about avoiding horse droppings. Carole considers adding a cowboy to her “portfolio.”
The interstitial is of Sonja and Ramona calling in for cowboy hats (is there anything Ramona can’t have delivered, anywhere, any time?) It’s actually the only truly fun scene of the ep, for me. Sonja tells Ramona she has a big head and proves it by putting on a hat that was too small for her. Ramona jokingly tells Sonja that it means that she has a bigger brain than Sonja. Kristen once likened them to someone’s crazy aunts. I love when the crazy aunts bring it, with moments that feel absolutely authentic and fun.
On the trail, Ramona’s horse won’t move, it’s eating and she asks for a new one – something that annoys Heather who feels that Ramona is acting as if she’s ordering a new car. Why the hell is Heather always so annoyed? Ramona switches horses with Lu and the countess does just fine riding him. Sonja does well with herding cattle. She’s quite good. Sonja is pleased with herself and everyone seems to be having a great time. Kristen finds a restaurant attached to a horse stable. Sonja is afraid that she’s watching her dinner being caught in the arena. Ramona does not want to eat near horse and cow manure.
The waiter brings drinks that are organic and biodynamic. Sonja waxes on about her study of astrology and how it’s led to her weight loss and weight gain. The waiter deserves his own show for holding his facial expressions. Lu launches into the issue with the facialist. Everything comes up. Lu is angry with Sonja for not stopping the facialist from talking about her friends. Sonja brings up the comments about Lu. The countess claims she would have thrown the woman out of her home. Sonja says that she wants to know what people are saying about her, about all of them. She doesn’t claim she slept with anyone, just that she wanted to hear the rumors that were spread. Lu and Heather are acting as if they have never gossiped about others, and are horrified that they have been gossiped about. Kristen thinks it was funny, LuAnn does not. She leaves the dinner table and goes to bed.
From the previews, it’s clear this conversation comes up again next week. Strap yourselves in. I will see you then. Maybe. Who the hell am I kidding? I’ll be there.
Stay tuned for next weeks’s episode of the “Real Housewives of New York.”