Real Housewives of New York Recap: ‘Sex, Lies And Facials’ [Episode 14]

We’re back at LuAnn’s Saratoga Springs rental. Kristen is twisting her face and altering her voice to mock Sonja for calling her a liar. The other women are entertained by the third grade behavior and I now see that being married to Josh and great friends with Brandi Glanville is no accident. There is something to be said for letting sleeping dogs and angry drinkers alone. The women feign concern when Sonja passes by them with her luggage, on the way to the Hamptons. Once she’s out the door, they mock her for losing while they won at gambling. They decide they’ll have fun with or without her – Sonja disappoints me by accepting their offer to spend the winnings from earlier that day with a night on the town.  Sonja stays, but grants them the “gift” of passing gas before going out for the evening.

At the bar, the mocking continues as Carole refers to Sonja as tri- and quad-polar. Sonja doesn’t do herself any favors by dancing with, and grabbing on, anyone within striking distance. All occurring when she wasn’t demonstrating the most whack, and alternately sweet, air guitar skills. Add to that: kissing hot guys and flashing her lady panties. For me, Kristen, Heather, LuAnn, and Carole seemed small and petty, convinced that their own arrogance is reality and that poor poor Sonja is just some sloppy drunk, not to be pitied put pilloried and maligned. Heaven knows she has issues, but I’d take a baker’s dozen of Sonja any day. Heather doesn’t like Ramona’s air of superiority. Carole suggests that Aviva thinks she’s better, smarter, etc. Josh certainly treats Kristen as not just “the weaker sex,” but weak, period.  It’s interesting to me that these are the women who are Sonja’s friends when she’s looking, and belittling her when she’s not. Every time I think this show could be one of the best of the franchises, these dames make me wish for a cancellation notice.

Next up is Ramona accompanying Avery on her driver’s ed spin around the city. There are small disagreements, but Ramona is primarily supportive.  I was prepared to pity the instructor, but it’s not too bad!  Ramona teases Avery because she gets parallel parking right the first time, while Ramona struggled for months when she first tried.  On a second shot, the dear girl “love taps” the car behind her and sets off its alarm.

LuAnn is setting up a “Look Good Feel Better” fundraiser luncheon. The organization helps women struggling with the effects of cancer. Miss USA 2012, Nana Meriweather, makes an appearance. Aviva spills the unfortunate news that her father told her that he, Cody and Miss USA spent the night together.  I am in my happy place, so I choose to believe that they were reading poetry and arguing the tenets of postmodern feminism, as well as critical race theory. If Aviva says otherwise, I will be eating my own hair  – yeah, I went there.

Carole arrives and Lu tells her that she’s made sure she’s not sitting by Aviva.  Carole thanks her because she doesn’t need any drama.  Is it too late to change the name of this show to “Real Housewives of New York: The High School Years?” Kristen is modeling one of the dresses being auctioned off. Ramona looks bored out of her skull and Aviva is texting (a moment that becomes important, later) and then asks Heather if she can send her something crazy. Lu introduces her co-host of the event, the editor-in-chief of HollywoodLife, Bonnie Fuller.  As Fuller is talking, Aviva prods Heather to read the text, Heather begins laughing (referring to it as “so f***ing funny” – Bravo’s censorship, not mine). Heather, with Aviva’s permission, shares the text with Ramona. Lu is not amused, she transitions from high school hottie to disapproving school mom.

Lu bounces back by bringing out a dress she loves – worn by a mystery model. Aviva bids and Carole decides to push the price to see how much Aviva wants it. Carole calls it a win-win since Aviva overpaid and can’t return the dress and the charity gets the $550.00.  The mystery model/guest is revealed to be Kelly Bensimon. Ramona thinks there’s nothing special about having her there but says she looks a lot more put together than before (cue the fight footage between Kelly and Ramona).  Just when I thought it was safe in my happy place, Aviva suggests that Miss USA did indeed have sex with George and Cody – he swore on Aviva’s leg that it was true. There are things I’d rather not know. Two young women being hit by the ball dust of an aging swinger ranks right up there on the list. Sonja thinks George wanted her in the ménage a trois. You’re supposed to never say never, but HELL to the NAH, NEVER! 

People are laughing and having a good time without her, so of course Lu is upset and wants to confront Aviva about the conversations involving George’s sex life.  Speaking of feeling a little less special, Kelly talks with Carole about the book she wrote about the Hamptons.  Kelly, a writer. Well. 

Lu is still fixated on Aviva, while at the same time Ramona approaches Miss USA – in front of a crowded table to grill her on the details of her arrival and departure at Aviva’s. Ramona is channeling a busted version of “Columbo” (Google him, young folk) and Miss USA tells a completely different story – she met them at a party, didn’t spend the night but left around 8 pm that evening, didn’t see them again, a complete and utter denial of George’s story.  Honestly, did Ramona think that at a charity event the woman would confess on camera to a complete stranger (not to say that there is anything to confess, but c’mon!) Ramona tells Miss USA, whom she describes as gorgeous beyond words, what George has said.  She doesn’t buy it because she thinks Miss USA is too good looking for him.  The jury is out.  Right now I pretty much hate either what she did, or why she did it, or both. I don’t know which is worse but to embarrass that young woman in front of a table of people who could have been reporters, gossip columnists, family or foe, was just inappropriate. I’m glad that Miss USA got to add her 2 cents and that wouldn’t have happened without Ramona.

Kristen goes to Sonja’s, keeping a date to get a facial. Pickles opens the door and tells Kristen no one has seen Sonja.  It’s not clear if she’s been out all night or if she left early in the AM for coffee, and no one seems overly worried.  Later, Sonja does a walk of shame into the house – yeah, the cameras are just coincidentally there and waiting. In case you’re wondering, she didn’t leave early for coffee. We again see a blurred view of Sonja’s underpants as she’s taking off her morning suit (the guy’s t-shirt and hat, her skirt). Sonja says that she thinks walks of shame are more like victory laps.  She plans to throw Kristen out when she’s done to invite the guy she met at Jamie’s to come over. The facialist, Satoko, breaks the news that she’s heard that Sonja has been seen hanging out around the corner with some guy with long dark hair. Satoko then asks about the French boy from St. Barths – NO! YES!  She’s referring to the Johnny Depp look alike, Tomas. Kristen will be sorry she asked who he is. The topic of LuAnn comes up when Sakoto talks about what she’s heard about Lu, that she likes short Frenchmen because she likes control in the bedroom. Kristen wants someone to put a sock in Sakoto.  Put a sock in Kristen. Sakoto is spilling tea EVERYWHERE!  Allegedly, Sonja slept with Russ and now Kristen feels that she must tell Carole about what she’s heard…you know, because it will remain a secret if she doesn’t tell it – even though it’s being filmed.

Lu and Carole meet in the park. Carole, who asked about Cody being a “squirter” last week, finds George repulsive this week and thinks Aviva indulges him too much. Lu thinks that Aviva invited the former Miss USA because she certainly didn’t, and neither did anyone on her staff.  Here comes Kristen shares Sakoto’s news. Lu laughs and says that she’s going to “wring that bitch’s neck” but angrily demands to know who “that crazy bitch” is when the rumor of Lu cheating is shared.  Carole refuses to believe the hook up in L.A. story. Is Carole “that” woman? Russ is beyond reproach and Sonja is lying for attention? I don’t know if Russ was laughing at or with Sonja, or if he was flirting in St Barths, as Sonja alleges.  The footage of their introduction in St. Barths shows Russ looking intrigued, though not necessarily attracted.

The interstitial is of Ramona and Avery shopping together. Avery’s personality is strong, Ramona’s is stronger. I shared Avery’s pain when Ramona joked that she might move into the dorm with Avery, since the things she’s picking out are so nice.  Lesson learned.

Aviva is having an art party at home, thinking the curse has been lifted and that she can have a drama free party.  She has included a piece from LuAnn’s daughter and compliments her work. Kristen finds it strange that Aviva wants them to give her feedback.  She also makes an awkward joke that in a painting of two men walking through Chelsea, they are obviously gay. Lu vows that she is done with Aviva – I hate that wounded prey mentality these women have!  It’s too cowardly that they go after Aviva for everything. Lu refuses to believe that Aviva did not invite Nana. Aviva explodes over LuAnn calling her a liar. Heather has been pardoned for her role, it seems. LuAnn calls George a pedophile – I really resent the misuse of that word, and from LuAnn of all people, the woman who mocks the poorly chosen words of others.  Now Lu explodes when Aviva tells her that she shouldn’t be judging what other people do. She doesn’t understand how LuAnn can be so judgmental, her daughter makes art about sex.

Ultimately, nothing has been resolved and I now realize just how little interest I have in these women.

 

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