Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: ‘Choke-lahoma’ [Episode 7]

It’s hot as hades in much of the country, so watching the Beadors and the Dubrows get ready for the holidays was surreal.  Shannon, in a TH, does her best angry bird impression, waving her hands in the air as she discusses how high stress she is in moments like these. I would have been impressed if she had actually taken flight.  Someone must have told the Dubrows that Colette (Coco), is the Milania Giudice of the OC.  She’s not, but they seem to believe it because they call that child’s name every 5 seconds and warn the other children not to touch “Coco”.  I don’t know if the other Dubrow children have nicknames and if Bravo’s editing monkeys didn’t list them, I wouldn’t know their legal names, either.  If I hear “Coco” one more time, I’m watching this damned show on mute. 

Despite the fact that both families are taking pictures for holiday cards, there is no joy in mudville. Heather and Shannon are proving that they are flip sides of the same coin, controlling every moment. Shannon’s is a shoot from home, Heather’s is a back studio lot.

Ryan is visiting Tams who informs him that she’s seeing an anti-aging doctor. Ryan jokes that she’s about 52, she’s not amused.  Tamra talks about possibly being prescribed HGH while Tams tells us that he’s always struggled with body issues.  Oh skeezballs!  Ryan takes HGH but doesn’t see a need to have a physician check to make sure he’s healthy?  Really?  I’m horrified and think this is STUPID!  Tamra brings up his past health issues and grills him on why he’s sure the stuff he’s buying is safe.   He feels that although it’s “sketchy and possibly illegal”, it’s ok.  He’s sure it’s legitimate.

Could someone PLEASE tell Vicki to stop playing the big-city sophisticate, appalled at the thought of rubbing elbows with the “little people” of Oklahoma?  We get it, she can’t find it on a map, but I’m guessing she couldn’t find Orange county on a map of the tri-county area, either.  Wouldn’t she be giving Heather enormous grief over turning her nose up?  I don’t know anyone living in Oklahoma, but I’m guessing most of the folks there know the difference between plumeria and chlamydia. Just saying.

Brianna seems to have a passive–aggressive fascination with humiliating her mother.  I can’t say that I can remember a time when Brianna was dishonest about her mother’s actions, or relationships (as far as the audience knows). She seems to enjoy letting the truth loose and watching the fallout.  When Brianna says/implies that her mother doesn’t help with the children, I believe her.  I see Vicki as very self-focused.  She even uses the dinner with her much missed family to talk about how angry Heather is that she pretend-snoozes when she’s bored.  RYAN!, yes RYAN! thinks it’s disrespectful.  I’ll wait for you to pick yourself up!  Brianna thinks it’s funny, especially the way Vicki and Donn did it (flashback).  Vicki is still harping about Brianna moving in with her, Brianna vows to never return home again.  The couple says that they don’t even plan to retire to California.  Vicki begins choking on a piece of steak at that point and Vicki jokes, in a TH, that she saw Gretchen trying to get her to go to the other side!

Brianna saving Vicki doesn’t stop the attacks.  Vicki accuses Ryan of taking “the family” away from “the family” after demanding to know what he plans to do with his life-  post service (become a salesman, btw).  They don’t want to raise their kids in California.  Brianna gives a list of everything she gave up because Vicki couldn’t let go (including Doctors Without Borders) and she’s done indulging her mother. Hey, at least Vicki still has Brooks #lousytrade.  The first house we see is large, and there is an underground shelter in the garage.  Troy seems to be freaked out by Ryan going down in the shelter and clings to Vicki – she eats it up.  Brianna knows one thing, she doesn’t want to raise her family in a house that is so similar to the house she lived in in CA. She wants a true fresh start.  She wants her children to play in a yard with neighbors, something she never got to do.  Later, we’ll learn that Brianna feels that she’s never been able to please her mother.

Oh gosh, someone forgot to tell Lizzie to call Colette “Coco.” Lizzie’s son is more Milania Giudice than Coco, who looks afraid of Preston watching him hit his mother. WHAT?  The mothers talk as the children play and eat cupcakes. The subject of Vicki comes up and Lizzie asks how to make peace with Vicki.  Heather instead brings up Shannon, Vicki and Tamra’s blooming friendship, her issues with Shannon, and then wonders if Shannon is obsessed with her. #PotCallingKettle. Lizzie confirms to Heather that Shannon has shared information some of the details of their fight and almost seems to agree that Shannon talks about Heather a bit much.

At the doc’s office, Tamra refers to herself as the person who was always the “skinny scrawny girl.” Ryan faults her for his genetics, making it harder for him to gain weight.  She’s eaten as well as she could and has exercised as much as she could and needs help.  The conversation turns to Ryan and the HGH he’s purchased at his gym (HIS gym?  Isn’t he the manager for CutFitness?  That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement for the place he manages).

Lizzie, who earlier talked about Shannon to Heather, is on her way to Shannon’s house with Danielle. Lizzie is looking forward to seeing Shannon’s house. During the make-up party (apparently planned during the Hoedown), Shannon reveals that she had her nose and chin done in college. I think it’s the best RH surgery ever!  She had the surgery after being teased her huge nose. Lizzie mentions the play date. Shannon says that she feels that may have put her foot in her mouth  with Heather but doesn’t know what she had done wrong.  She’s hoping they can all have fun at the Christmas party since it was planned before the fallout.  I’m guessing Heather has never lost a moment’s sleep wondering if she did something to offend Shannon.  Lizzie mentions something interesting and rarely uttered by any other HW.  She feels torn because she understands the side of the person she’s talking to at the moment and then feels caught in the middle.

Interstitial?  Heather, Terry, manufactured (?) drama over cookies vs. healthy eating and why Terry is a rat bastard for giving “Coco and the gang” a cookie from the Oreos bag sitting in the Dubrow’s pantry – clearly left by the camera crew.

Geez, we’re back with Vicki, who is beginning to accept that Brianna is not moving back.  Ryan orders “Lamb fries” and clearly the joke is on Vicki as we find out they’re fried lamb testicles.  Good joke, gross food product.  Vicki playfully hits the poor waiter out of disgust – I hope they tipped him well for that one.  Vicki tries one last time, and Brianna tells her that she wants to bring her child home to her own house. No dice.

Lizzie takes the boys to her sister Becky’s house. They are best friends and even live on the same street (awww!).  Lizzie’s sister has a new baby.   All of their family members have three children and Lizzie feels the pressure to have another child.  She seems on the verge of reconsidering when her niece, Gabriella, wakes up and starts yelling.

Shannon gets a call from Heather who wants to meet and talks things out at lunch to fix things.  Shannon is hopeful that there will be resolution to their problems.  Heather suspects that if people are talking behind her back, they must be – you know, because she never talks behind anyone’s back, to every person who will listen. Shannon lets her know that she feels singled out. Heather feels that the conversation about being late happened because Shannon and Tamra were already talking about it and she was drawn in.   The “scary angry” comment comes up and Heather tells her that it was her perception of Shannon’s behavior – the editing monkeys show Shannon calmly talking to Heather at Javier’s during chairgate.  WOOT!

HOLD THE PHONES!  Heather admits that she shouldn’t have taken “her” chair back, but blows that all to hell when she accuses Shannon of pointing and yelling at her all the way from the bathroom to the table.  Is editing hiding the footage?  Shannon tells her not to try to turn things around on her.  Yeezus Kanye and Kim, I would turn the television off but I have watched the show this long, I may as well suck it up and watch the last few minutes.  Heather wants to know where they go from this moment on – and shares yet another perception: that Shannon has isolated her and stolen her friends. Shannon feels she can never do the right thing as far as Heather is concerned and that Heather perceives herself as being above her and everyone else.  Nothing is resolved.

I was a good person in my former life.  I know that because the episode finally ends.