The holiday is at a close. My guests are gone (and not one of those dirty bastards offered to help with the dishes, but I still love them). I am ending my day watching RHOC which means that I need to rethink my life. We open with Terry coming home to hear Heather’s recount of the musical chairs at dinner, in front of their children as she again claims that she is afraid of Shannon. Terry thinks that Shannon must be scary no matter how nice she claims to be. What the hell is Shannon Beador going to do? Put cracked crystals in the foundation of the Dubrow’s new home? Feng Shui them into a weekend of disharmony? Bite me, with that garbage, Dubrows. Heather isn’t too afraid to invite Shannon to the hoedown. Terry takes what feels like a cheap shot and notes that Shannon becomes “unplugged” when she drinks and wonders if it will happen at the hoedown. Lovely.
Shannon arrives at a country shop to buy for the hoedown and to discuss chairgate with Vicki (who is on her “Izzy,”“Lizzie,” “Izzy” kick) Shannon tells Vicki she is wrong, especially when she likens “Lizzie” to being a lizard-like name. At the Dubrows, Terry wonders if Vicki is intimidated by Lizzie. Heather thinks that Vicki is insecure around a smart, pretty, woman. I smell a proxy fight coming on with the Dubrows cozying up to Lizzie.
Brianna and baby Troy stop at Vicki’s office with lunch. Brianna invites Vicki to Oklahoma to help her find a house. Vicki replies in a TH that she’d rather have a root canal. Vicki asks Brianna to buy a house in OC, as if Ryan has an option of choosing where the Marine Corps will send him. Brianna drops a passive aggressive line about the houses they’re looking at being new because they are in an area devastated by tornadoes, earlier. This comes after Vicki’s comments about getting diarrhea thanks to Brianna’s various life choices (getting engaged/married without telling her, moving away, etc). Not cool, Brianna, not cool. Vicki is not pleased by the tornado news and offers to give Ryan a job selling insurance – again, contract with Uncle Sam. Does that mean anything to her?). Brianna tells her mother that she doesn’t get to tell Ryan what to do with his career and that this is their choice. The choice I would have made is to not bring Vicki along – yes, if I needed a down payment, or wanted mommy to buy the house outright before Brooks spent all of her money, or if I needed to furnish it. Otherwise? Nah.
The Dubrows are dressed for the hoedown. They show up at “Dubrow Ranch” as the preparations continue (I love Heather’s boots). Heather surprises Terry with his likeness printed on a “Most Wanted” poster. He is the “Onion Ring Bandit.” New neighbors and old friends begin to arrive. Terry comments on the famous new neighbors. Tamra and Eddie are first of the OC gang to arrive. Heather shows them the model and asks them to write a note for the foundation. Lizzie follows – in a TH Lizzie notes that Heather lives on the highest plot on the highest piece of land and that everyone is right, she is literally looking down on them – she jokingly states that she is a little jealous.
Tamra warns Lizzie that Vicki isn’t use to people standing up to her and Lizzie thinks it is odd that Vicki’s good friend would make this comment. Lizzie is insightful and a whirlwind on the dance floor.
Heather finds a reason to be unhappy at her successful hoedown. Shannon and Vicki are not yet there even though the invitation reads “high noon.” Shannon, in particular, bothers her (not because of chairgate, no, because Heather told us that she doesn’t hold grudges <wink>). Shannon upsets her because she lives just down the road. She wants to begin the ceremony. Tams give the line of the evening. She wants to know what’s up with rich people burying “sh–” in their houses. What is she supposed to write, “I’m so happy that you’re rich and you’re building a big goddamned house, oooh, lucky you! Bury this!?” She thinks they’re all crazy. F’love that crap!
The ceremony begins. There is a speech and a round of thanks to those who wrote notes. The family breaks ground, together, using shovels. Vicki and Shannon, along with her family, arrive as the groundbreaking begins.Vicki thinks that seeing the family onstage together means they have arrived just in time. They seek Tamra out and Vicki greets Lizzie with a friendly embrace, as well. She of course goofs and says “good to meet you” in response to Lizzie saying “good to see you.” Vicki finds it hilarious. I’m just glad there was no intentional snub.
We find out that Shannon was late because David coaches basketball for the girls. If the Dubrows aren’t the bitchiest people in reality tv, PLEASE don’t tell me who tops the list. This is not entertaining. I can get a daily dose of bitchiness without ever leaving home, or just by picking up the phone. Heather thinks Shannon should have brought it up sooner (not a bad argument). In a TH, Heather states that lateness is a sign of not caring, despite that fact that the Beadors bothered to come after a long day. Vicki’s excuse? None. She “buys” David a beer. Terry wants to dish out a little housewife medicine and plans to be late to parties thrown by the other wives. Damn you, Terry, damn you and your brass knuckle tactics. Zzzzzzzzzzzz – yeah, I borrowed that one from Vicki.
Vick and David are at the bar when “Meghan” (fiancée of Jim Edmonds) joins them. She is quickly followed by Shannon. Shannon is taken aback by David drinking shots in the afternoon, something she says he never does. She feels left out, noting that her husband is drinking with Vicki and some woman but is not offering her a drink – she already ordered one when she walked up. Shannon is questioning Vicki when Vicki, in a TH, notes that she understands Shannon’s concerns that her hot husband is having drinks with two hot babes (let that sink in, people) but doesn’t introduce her to the one she doesn’t know. David doesn’t seem to notice that Vicki and Shannon have walked back a bit until Meghan walks away. Shannon schools him on the error of his ways (failing to introduce her to Meghan as his wife – he agrees he was wrong).
What else happened?
- Heather makes a big deal of feeding Terry onion rings, saying she’s learned her lesson.
- Shannon thinks Lizzie and Danielle are missing. They are elsewhere, discussing Vicki’s odd greeting.
- Heather wankers on about Shannon being late and tells her that they held the ceremony until they arrived.
- Shannon is unhappy with being openly humiliated by Heather and cries to Vicki. Shannon learns that Danielle wasn’t reprimanded for being late and neither was Vicki.
Heather pretends, while talking with Tamra, that Terry has independently noticed the way the women have behaved. She offends Tamra when, after hearing that Shannon feels that Heather thinks they aren’t part of the same community and that she looks down on her, Heather responds that literally speaking, they are looking down on Shannon… nice. She must have pulled that line from her “Mean Girls” manual. Tamra tells her to stop making those sorts of comments.
Vicki admits to being rude and makes nice with Lizzie. They agree to start over (though in a TH, Lizzie is not so forgiving.) It may have something to do with Vicki bringing up her nationality, again.
Vicki tries to broker a peace for Shannon. Heather yammers again about chairgate.Vicki pretends to snooze. Heather leaves. Tamra scolds and wants Vicki to stop, though she admits she thinks it is hilarious. Heather goes to Terry and gets teary eyed telling him about her prior conversation. Shannon decides she’s not going to fight with anyone at Heather’s party, not even Heather.
Terry gets in Tamra and Vicki’s faces about not supporting Heather. Vicki gives him a zzzzzz… F’love.
Heather invites all women on the floor for a square dance. Heather tells Vicki she’s not talking to her. Lizzie loves the dancing because no one is talking.
Eddie rides the mechanical bull and Tams comments that he could definitely be one of the village people. Lizzie rides next and holds on for a while. Shannon follows. She says she has a strong core – flabby on the outside, strong on the inside. Heather rides – and wants to stop. In her words, she’s not a “hoe” even if it’s a “hoedown.” Though she got on the bull, she doesn’t want to fall and show anything. Zzzzzzzzzzz ….she shouldn’t want to show her goods on TV, but why get on the bull at all?
Tams gets on. Heather tells the person at the controls to turn it up. Terry says “ turn it way up.” Tamra falls and thinks she’s broken her arm. Heather jokes about being sued – not to worry, they have insurance. Well that’s a nice memory for the new home.
Tamra, on the way to Urgent Care, comments that she was a “hoe” down, and while there wonders why the technician turned the bull up. Luckily, she has bruising and no broken bones.
We end with the Dubrows talking about their happiness.