This episode of “Million Dollar Listing New York” has Fredrik bringing a pie to Ari, the property developer at his 4,252 sq. ft. listing. Fredrik looks at the bathrooms and kitchen and declares that they are hideous. I think they look fine. Evidently I have no taste but I’d still like a piece of pie. Fredrik says they have to price the place under $10 million because of the yucky bathrooms and kitchen.
Ryan and his girlfriend have hit a “rocky patch” in their relationship. Honey, I could hear that expiration date ticking every time I saw her on my TV screen. I will not be satisfied until Ryan marries the older Asian woman/hair bow mogul from last season and the potbellied pig is their ring bearer. Ryan has to go out to California to meet with a client. His assistant says he needs a tan before he goes out there. Perhaps I have to adjust my TV screen, because Ryan already looks orange to me.
Luis is meeting with Real Housewives of New York’s Sonja Morgan’s pal Ian. (I love a good crossover episode!) Ian wants to split the commission with Luis but have Luis do all the work. Is this the season where Luis gets paired up with a bunch of schlocky partners? Does anyone remember Baby Huey? It’s like Bravo’s version of “The Bachelor” but it’s with wannabe realtors and none of them deserve a rose or a commission!
I still don’t have a piece of pie and Fredrik is showing off the new listing to a woman named Alice with a magenta fur stole and a dog in a suitcase named BlahBlah which means “Cotton Ball.” She should love the listing because her hair is from the 1970’s and the bathrooms are from the early 90’s! Fredrik carries her dog around for her. That Swede knows what makes good TV shots!
Ryan gets picked up from the airport in a white Rolls Royce. Oh brother man, please! Instead of looking opulent, it just looks like aerosol cheese from a can, cheesy! His client is a skinnier version of Top Chef’s Tom Colicchio. (Pseudo-crossover show!) Faux Tom C. says he brought Ryan in because Los Angeles brokers are too soft and he needs “King Kong from New York.” Ryan – King Kong? Someone needs to get Faux Tom some stronger eyeglasses.
Back to the “Luis and Ian Show,” Gay Ian decides he really wants to “ram” home that Straight Luis is his biatch. He asks Luis to pick up his dry cleaning. Luis, being a sweet little pocket muffin, does it but also has to pay for it! I would have told Ian where to stick his dry cleaning. Luis comes in late to the pre-construction site viewing with the clients carrying the dry cleaning like someone’s junior assistant. Luis is trying to keep his cool, but Ian continues to act like Luis is his lackey. Ian then tells Luis to walk his dog, while calling him “Ricky Ricardo.” I don’t condone violence but I’d really like to see Luis smack him HARD.
Ryan and Faux Tom C look at a 3,300 square foot house with an amazing Cali view. The seller’s agent wants $3.9 million. Ryan says $3.1M. Ryan treats the seller’s agent like he’s the pool boy. The seller’s counter offer is $3.9M – not a dollar less than the original price. Ryan underestimated the Pool Boy. The two agents face off, but cannot agree.
Fredrik and Ari take on Alice and her portly realtor. Alice tries to play hardball with a low ball offer, but she’s not savvy enough to fool Fredrik. He gets her to pay much more. Deal signed. $285,000 commission for high-kicking Freddy!
Ryan is frustrated in California. His girlfriend hasn’t been taking his calls in days. Um, if she doesn’t answer your call I don’t think she is your girlfriend anymore. Ryan’s phone eventually rings but it is the seller’s agent, not his girlfriend. The seller’s agent has fallen for Ryan’s slickness and meets the price Ryan’s buyer wants to pay. Faux Tom C is very happy.
Ian finds a buyer for his property but it was a pre-negotiated exclusion to their joint listing agreement, so Luis is out all the money he spent to market the pre-construction property and is getting zero compensation for being treated like a stooge. Luis starts his tantrum. He wants a chance to get a higher offer from his buyer and a chance to get a commission. Blah, blah, anger, bravado, testosterone, angst. Luis has 24 hours to basically get almost a million dollars more from his buyer. Luis has an assistant named Ronita. Ronita? Really? Luis starts leaving voicemails like a desperate psycho chick on a Friday night. I can smell his desperation from here!
Then there’s a montage of Ryan walking all around Los Angeles. It’s like a bad remake of “Pretty Woman.” And who knew David Spade had a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Ryan mutters “stupid LA” 900 times. You’ll never get Richard Gere with THAT attitude.
Fredrik’s assistant Jordan reminds me Saturday Night Live’s Andy Samberg. Turns out Alice the big talker can’t get permission to buy anything over $5 million and the deal she just agreed to was $9.5M. Ari gets pissy and Fredrik looks sad. Fredrik realizes he was too excited and should have insisted the kitchen and bathrooms be renovated first before he listed it.
Ryan’s realty agency has opened their first Beverly Hills location. Marisa from last season of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” pops up. Again, CROSSOVER! Ryan gives a motivational realtor speech that must have been so powerful it somehow made his girlfriend call him. She gives a loving “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” She’s a peach! The Asian hair bow mogul would have been sweeter! Think Ryan, think!
Luis makes the impossible happen and gets a full price counter offer but Ian starts balking. Intense music. Head shaking. But in the end, deal taken. Luis’ half of the commission is $179,250. Evidently this was the biggest deal of Luis’ career. Ian says he was just testing Luis with the bad behavior and gives him more money $358,500. Luis jumps up and down in excitement. Holy cow Ian, I’ll walk your dog for that kind of money!
When SouthTampaLily grows up she wants to be a cult leader or Faye Dunaway in “Mommie Dearest.” Until she finds some maturity, she spends copious amounts of time watching reality television and training her cats for the circus. Follow her on