Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: ‘I Couldn’t Chair Less’ [Episode 5]

If it helps give you some perspective, this episode is 1 hour and 1 minute long – or 1 hour longer than it needs to be.  Let’s get crackin’!  Shannon has invited Vicki (who wants you to know that she has had a hard day at work) for a session with Dr. Moon – the Energy Medicine Specialist.  Shannon says that he works on moving the energy from your body,  at $100 a session.  We’re “treated” to clips of past episodes of Vicki screaming as examples of how she relieves stress. Vicki accuses Dr. Moon of sticking his finger up her backside during the session.  I think he’s just trying to find the plug to her love tank and set the negative energy free. Watching Vicki get acupuncture is surprisingly therapeutic – for me that is.  She screamed like a baby with each needle – which almost made me feel sorry for her until she asked for a phone to work on email.

FancyPants is throwing a party on the site of her new home. She wants the guests to write well wishes for her which will be thrown in a foundation of the new home. Paid #TeamHeather is planning the (Western Themed) party. Heather thinks her need to micromanage has gotten better.  I think Heather is bad introspection. She has actually planned to cry when Terry gives his toast (I think she’s marginally joking). Heather will at least allow Terry to have an onion ring bar – social media has saved Terry!  She must have read fans comments about the last onion ring disaster.

Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon are getting their nails done.  I can’t remember a time when I’ve seen Tams and Vicki do anything so easy and fun – without alcohol involved. Dr. Moon’s finger placement came up, of course, and Tamra brought up the lunch with Heather – which causes Vicki to become annoyed when she learns that Heather feels she doesn’t get enough talk time. Vicki’s Heather-induced snoring comes up  which hurts Heather that  Vicki snore whenever she speaks. Shannon jumps the bandwagon uses a TH to criticize Heather’s need to stick her nose in the business of others.  As the ugly sweater party is discussed, Tams mentions meeting Lizzie – who she then nicknames Gre-Lexis – because Lizzie has Gretchen’s big pageant hair and Alexis’ big lips. The blondes decide they have to stick together, but plan to have cocktails to give everyone the chance to meet one another.

If’ you’ve watched even one episode of the OC series, you already know this can’t end well.

Watching Lizzie and her adorable young family play and have fun, and watching Shannon and her sweet family put together their Christmas decorations is heartwarming. Oddly enough, as different as their lives are, both Lizzie and Shannon seem to want more romance from their husbands. Shannon thinks her family has at least 20K worth of decorations. I think Shannon has underestimated how much she spends.  The family has two trees – one for a well-used room and a “formal tree” for a rarely used room.  Either could house a  squirrel colony.  Wait, did you ask about David?  Don’t.  It’s clear that even his children mock him. YIKES.

Tamra and Ryan are folding towels at the gym. She tells Ryan she can’t keep taking towels home to wash because she can’t keep up with her own laundry. Ain’t no way would the sweat of complete strangers would filter its way through my home machine.  My guess is that CuTFitness’ manager (Ryan) isn’t doing enough problem solving because there is such a thing as towel service. Hopefully Tams’ home machine has a sterilization function – for her sake and that of the patrons.  She decides to take action by having Ryan get an electrician and plumber out for an install. She seems to be upset that Ryan isn’t more “Vicki Jr.” in taking the initiative.  What was a nice friendly scene between mother and son turns semi-hostile as she asks him about his plans for the future and he snaps at her for annoying him with the same question year after year (hence, the sign that you need to have a plan in place in order to have a good answer the next year).  He states that he has no goals other than living.

Vicki’s Feng Shui scene is painful, and not just because she thought Feng Shui was (and I swear to you, I’m quoting this crap) she “thought it was only for Asian people”.  Oh, yes she really DID say that. Vicki uses the session to moan about her divorce its negative energy.  The husband she described as a “great husband” last week and whose side she could see thinking about how Shannon treats David, has left her “devastated”, “sad”, and “pissed” for seeking spousal support.  She is reminded by the expert is not working with magic, but working with energy.  Vicki buys into it when she hears that her wealth area is being affected, and being Vicki G., she comments that she works way too hard to have that happen.  Vicki’s son Michael thinks it is all crazy, but he’s at least respectful about it.

The meeting of the HW minds begins as all the wives gather for dinner, with Danielle joining the group. Tamra becomes Captain Obvious by telling us that Vicki will hate Lizzie for her big hair, big lips, and beauty pageant past.  Well, you know, as long as it’s all rational.  The drinking begins before the introductions (recipe for a fun night – for the viewers, at least). Lizzie shows that she’s no plaything when Vicki introduces her as “Izzy”, “Lizzie” “Izzy” and Lizzie tells her to call her Elizabeth if she can’t keep her name straight.  Vicki’s head drops back and she gives and exasperated groan. HELL YEAH! Lizzie Rovsek just became my favorite O.C. housewife!  Shannon looks amused, Tamra looks shocked/afraid.  Vicki mocks Lizzie’s name, the fact she was class valedictorian, and her pageant history. Vicki comments on how she worked her ass and still does off as a response to Lizzie’s question of what Vicki did when she was younger.  Shade her all night long, Lizzie.

Tonight’s interstitial scene is of the women discussing menopause who wants it, who doesn’t.  It’s such a real moment that I’m actually in awe for a moment.

They finally arrive at the restaurant (Javier’s) and it’s crowded. I can’t believe the managers allowed a camera crew in with such a large crowd. Heather is offended that rather than sit next to her, Vicki asks her to move over for Shannon. Real money, great families, and they’re fighting about chairs and who sits where.  It’s all class all the time.  Heather pulls a power move and tries to reclaim her chair.  I don’t believe this is scripted because if it was, it would not get this stupid: Heather suggests that they have “European style dinner” and everyone switches seats with each course. Danielle offers to let Heather have her seat to allow her to sit Tamra and Heather flips and says it’s over, to move on.

In a TH, Heather says that Shannon’s reaction to the chair situation is disproportionate and scary to her.  I am DYING it’s so funny and so absurd.  Heather, again, begins dragging out the discussion about being asked to move. Heather addresses Shannon and tells her Shannon scared her when she came out of the restroom so heated that she wants to make sure everything is ok.  DYING! Shannon apologizes for scaring her and in her TH notes she realizes that she’s not a fan of Heather Dubrow. Now that brought me back to life!  When asked about being neighbors, Heather tries to distinguish her fancy address from Shannon’s.  Shannon gets it.  So does the rest of the table.

Vicki clumsily asks Lizzie about her ethnicity.  Lizzie is Italian and American Indian. Vicki later orders tequila shots.  To be clear, Vicki does order a round of shots and the waiter goofs and forgets to bring one for Lizzie. Oh Bravo producers, what a coinkydink. Lizzie and Tamra go to the bathroom which Vicki takes personally – she thinks they’re talking about her, and they are. Tams is trying to smooth things over. It gets crazier:  Heather tries to make things right with Lizzie. Vicki goes at Tamra for trying to smooth things over and is upset that Tams seems to be taking Lizzie’s side.  Shannon wonders if Vicki pushes to see how far things will go, Heather disagrees.  Shannon brings it up with Vicki who agrees with Tamra that she tests new people.  I can’t believe they’re all sitting at the same table and talking about one another. What a clusterbang!

Heather is telling the chair story AGAIN when Shannon goes to the bathroom and the women give her the side eye.  They switch places when Shannon is gone. Shannon takes in stride (no scary anger).  Vicki says that she’s going back to the office when the women accuse of going to meet Brooks. Vicki comments that she told Brooks to be in her bed naked when she gets home at midnight (which is, I guess, after she finishes her PowerPoint for her 8am webinar that can only be completed at the office <wink>). The night ends with Tams telling Lizzie that Brooks is not a good guy and Tams and Vicki (who is clueless about what was just said) joke playfully. From the previews, I think this is the last semi-reasonable night the women will share.