Real Housewives of New York Recap: ‘The Last Splash’ [Episode 9]

 

Kristen Taekman has just won my heart as a viewer!  She can pretty much hit a lot of low roads and I will always remember that she is the only HW trying to help Sonja rather than gossip about her and feel superior to her because of her financial circumstances.  So it kicks, just a little, when Sonja mocks the lack of style in Kristen and Josh’s Tribeca apt.  Sonja, in her discussion with Josh, gives the laundry list of opportunities she’s been offered and he keeps trying to get her to narrow down her options to 1 or 2 realistic things.  He is as insensitive to Sonja as he is to Kristen, in my opinion, basically telling her that she’s nuts. He’s right, she doesn’t listen, but using words like “delusional” and “crazy” go a bit too far. How about “lost” and “directionless” instead?

Carole is hanging out at her L.A. home while her NYC apt is undergoing its own facelift. She shares her dating woes with her L.A. girlfriends, noting that her NYC girlfriends are probably tired of hearing about her dating life. She plays the oddest voicemail breakup message I’ve ever heard. She rightly surmises that a man she has never dated has broken up with her before they could ever go. She’s lost nothing. He seemed strange over the phone.

Ramona, Shane (her friend, playfully referred to as her gay husband), and Mario join Kristen and Josh who are all waiting for Heather, the evening’s host. Heather has a home in the Berkshires and is feeding the guys steak and caviar to make up for taking the women away. Mario happily thanks her for taking Ramona.  Yeah.  I’ll let you mull that one over. Mario asks where the Berkshires are, and Ramona laughs, crassly – because no one visits the Berkshires. If she’s never been, how does she know that it’s not worth visiting? Put me up in a trailer park near Venice Beach and I’m THERE!  Grass hut in your backyard near the waterfront?  Well thank you!  I know I’m going to hate myself for this, but Countess Lu was right… money can’t buy you class.  I wonder if she dedicated the track to Ramona.

Heather has invited everyone, only Aviva is unable to make it due to camp visitation for Harrison. Sonja, who is not at dinner, is on the list of invitees. Lu, sitting next to her celeb look-a-like beau, may have dedicated the song to herself – she comments that Sonja is afraid to leave home because she thinks it will be taken before she returns (laughter at the table, with Heather declaring the comment “funny”). Irony, Lu thinks it is bad form when Josh begins trashing Sonja at the dinner table and talking about how deluded she is.  This raises Ramona’s hackles and she puts Josh in his place. It feels more like Ramona was standing up against Josh and Kristen than she was standing up for Sonja.

Carole is meeting with Kristen and Richard Easton (matchmaker; no Patti Stanger?  My, how Bravo has grown).  Easton tells Carole that women with legs like hers should never wear pants and she should know that men like women who are accomplished but who are also girly girls.  I think Carole should be looking for the exit with this guy, but no… she lets him plan to set up blind dates for her.  They can meet for drinks and then decide if they want to continue on to dinner.  Carole worries that the date may not want to have dinner with her. She learns her first real Bravo lesson. Never say anything you will later wish you could take back. In her TH (talking head interview) she says that she’s up for anything at least once, including anal… and then she asks that they not use the footage… and we’re talking about it, SO? How’s that workin’ for ya? 

Sonja and Lu (who just made a joke about her losing her home) meet for aerial yoga.  They are joined by Ramona.  Sonja is distant and not exactly happy to see her friend. Aerial yoga? Hilarious to see them try the moves.  I know what NOT to put on my bucket list, folks. When the session is over, Ramona complains again about the nowhere place nobody goes. Sonja says she goes every couple of months to get in touch with her roots, and to get down to earth.  She comments on visiting American Indian sweat lodges (after making sure that the use of the term “American Indian” is ok with Countess Lu).  Ramona, who just came back from Africa and went all Kumbaya on everyone, has reverted back to whining about her first world problems – no pool, no tennis courts, no luxury, she doesn’t want to do humble. Humble is what she came from and she had a horrible upbringing.  Going back to the Berkshires, a place she’s never been – right?, would remind of that horrible time in her life in upstate NY.  Am I the only one experiencing déjà vu? Didn’t this come up before?

MORE Ramona, who feels she could buy 20 homes in the Berkshires for the cost of her home in the Hamptons.  The Berkshires is for people who can’t afford the Hamptons. Ramona wonders if she has air conditioning. I thought she was going to ask about indoor plumbing and running water, next.  It turns out that Heather doesn’t have air conditioning.  Lu, Ramona, and Sonja want to turn around with that news about the fresh country breeze instead of machine cooled air. Ramona orders air conditioning – I can’t wait to see what that means.  Window unit?  Whole house? Meanwhile, the trip with the Three Amigas is the best comedy of the season. Lu’s driving scares them and Ramona and Sonja cling to each other like newborn kittens in a litter. 

Heather is knocking herself out to make everything perfect, because, “Ramona is a picky ass bitch”.  This is the one time I wouldn’t have faulted Heather for narrowing down the guest list. When the trio arrives, Ramona is confused as to whether they have arrived at the actual house or if they are meeting at the garage.  Sonja (yes, SONJA) takes a swipe and says that she’s staying in the SUV because it’s air conditioned and almost as big as the house. Sonja? Stop. Personally, I think Heather’s home is beautiful and the setting is amazing, but I’ve seen too many Friday the 13^th movies so I would have to pass.

Heather gets the last laugh when she gives Ramona a room on the top floor… with the heat rising.  More talk of Ramona? Kristen confides to Carole, during their car ride, that she believes that Ramona hates her and her recounts the wine throwing incident. Carole tries to make her feel better. When they arrive, all of the ladies gather in the kitchen as the doorbell rings. Swear to goodness, Ramona’s portable air conditioner arrives.  I don’t know if I think she’s a total bitch or a BOSS!  I’m leaning towards BOSS… controlling, manipulating, sometimes overbearing boss, but one who gets shit done. Heather is shocked to hear there is an air conditioner coming into her home and the installer is already half way up the stairs. Singer makes no apologies, she should, but she doesn’t. 

There is an extra scene of Kristen and Carole on a hammock and Lu and Heather on a swing. Heather (unintentionally) knocks a Bravo camera operator over. My thought? The women at aerial yoga may have been younger, but these women could teach them a thing or two about enjoying life.

We return to Heather making an unfortunate comment about Ramona being the oldest, being menopausal and in need of air conditioning.  Way to go killing by “women at midlife rock” buzz.  Heather and Ramona are exhausting.  Heather wants to swim in a nearby pond, Ramona asserts in a TH that she is not a frog and does not want to go… then goes and complains about having to carry canoes. Ramona (speaking in a TH) is then happy that Lu, with her broad “linebacker shoulders”, is there to help carry the heavy canoes. Even not knowing about the slam, Lu is tired of her.  Out on the peaceful water, the women seem to be calming down and enjoy the fishing, until they begin taking digs at each other.

This eventually leads to Ramona bringing up an issue with Kristen at the last dinner, where Josh mocked Sonja. Ramona is still upset that Kristen didn’t kick Josh under the table to get him to shut up. Kristen swims up to their boat, overhears the conversation and splashes water into the boat. Ramona throws a glass and it hits Kristen, splitting her lip. Holy Gray Tights, Batman!  It doesn’t fall to the level of vicious attack a la Porsha Williams on Kenya Moore, but GEEZ, it’s a line not typically crossed on this show. Sad. While not formally apologizing, Ramona is at least embarrassed by the situation, now, as evidenced by her tweet.