Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: ‘Pretty Ugly’ [Episode 4]

 

If Vicki complains about being all alone in her home one more time I will SCREAM < —yup, just like that.  I get that Vicki doesn’t want to be alone. She probably annoys herself as much as she annoys me, but there’s a point at which not being able to be alone could be an indication of something else, right? Maybe? Whatever it is or could be, her loneliness has led her to redecorate her office and “joke” that her employees should go home at 2am and return by 6am. My guess is that they don’t because they have lives, families, and happiness. Just.Stop.Please.

David and Shannon are spending time alone at the St. Regis – the site of the Judge wedding. David jokes about a white noise machine he carries to drown out Shannon’s snoring.  She flips.  Yes, a bellman she’ll probably never see again won’t realize that it’s David who snores, not her.  She has to make sure he knows that David is the one who snores. Party host Shannon? AWESOME.  Romantic getaway Shannon?  Nightmare.  I hope they tipped that guy well.

Eddie and TAMRAH are getting ready for the ugly sweater party to benefit a local Children’s Hospital. At the same time Heather and Terry are joking about Eddie and Tamra, with Terry commenting that Eddie’s sweater will be skin tight with bulging muscles (man crush-cute). Eddie thinks his sweater looks like something he wore in high school – when her probably didn’t date much if that sweater reminds him of anything he wore, ever. Heather and Terry begin discussing last week’s  lunch with Tamra, while Eddie and Tamra are discussing it as well. There are, surprisingly, no exaggerations, both seem to be consistent with one small exception.

Heather comments that she told Tams her other friends love her so either love her or move on. I don’t recall her saying that but if she did, something tells me that Tamra will rue the day she didn’t take her up on that offer.

David and Shannon are still at the St. Regis sitting on a plush bed, drinking big stinking bloody marys, and wearing cotton robes. Shannon complains about the last time David took her away – he took her to a football game as if she were an afterthought. Does that woman ever enjoy the moment she’s in?  I’ll bet past life Shannon was more fun.

Lizzie, our other new HW, shows up to the ugly sweater party with her husband, Christian. Lizzie is friends with the third new wife, Danielle (the woman who invited Tamra to the fundraiser in the last episode).  Don’t ask me why, but I like them. They look like real people.  Lizzie takes a tumble walking through the door. She attributes the fall to her pageant queen history where falls are common. I like that she can poke fun at herself.  On the other hand, Tams cannot. She whines about the “ugly sweater” party and says that she can’t stand ugly things or people. So… it’s wrong for me to comment on her personality, right?

Tamra and Eddie meet Danielle’s husband, Joe (she calls him Joey) – who is wearing a woman’s size small ugly sweater.  More than I needed to know. Tamra wishes they were at a “pretty sweater party.” Later, Lizzie and Tamra meet and get along well.  What a coinkydink!  Lizzie was at CutFitness the week before, taking class from Eddie.  What?  Totally organic that Lizzie took his class, and her friend Danielle drops in to invite them to an ugly sweater party and they are ALL taping together for the show this season.  It’s as organic as polyester.

Lizzie and Tamra find out they are neighbors and begin pledging friendship when the buzzkill couple (Heather and Terry) shows up. Heather blah blahs some offensive, obnoxious, obscure crap about not liking what the HOST is planning to do with the champagne she brought to the party.  She follows it up with a barely veiled reference to Lizzie’s large breasts. Heather reads as increasingly socially awkward.

I would still rather watch a 12 hour blooper reel of Heather and Terry than the next couple of scenes:

Vicki and Brooks are at dinner, talking about her love tank and more Brianna-blame.  There is also Shannon needing booze to get in bed with her husband.  I’m pretty sure Brooks is a safe bet if Vicki walks away. Who wants that ant at a picnic? David?  He could probably find a dozen people who’d take him as he is before he hit the lobby.  There has to be something going on because Shannon appears to be completely freaked out by his touch.

At least Brooks admits what Vicki seemed to deny during a prior episode. He admits he made the disgusting comments we heard last season, but claims that he’s never hit a woman himself. Vicki is hiding him to avoid backlash from the other women, and Brooks has no interest being around her friends. Vicki loves him, thinks he’s sexy, and that he’s thebombdotcom. In a low voice, she asks him if he’s being a good boy. He tells her she is stunningly attractive (I think I hear the restaurant patrons gagging).  This segment should have had a barf bag rating!

David jokes (I hope) about Shannon getting breast implants which she thinks sends a horrible message to their daughters (and I love her again). She tells him she’ll get implants when he gets a penile implant. (BOOM)  He treats it as a joke and seems thrilled at the thought and claims he has an appointment scheduled so she can make her appointment to get her breasts “firmed up”.  Just as fast as you’re up with this couple, you’re back down again. They have a conversation about Shannon feeling like she’s not a priority and he tells her that she has never been a chore he loves her (and I’m back up).

DAMN! Someone should have warned Lizzie not to tell Heather she was an actress. It seems that Lizzie knows because she holds back when talking about acting. Lizzie quickly follows up with a cute romantic story about her 11 year relationship with Christian (married 4 of those) and interestingly enough, Heather likes her and sees a depth to Lizzie.  I love it!  Heather, Lizzie, Tamra, and Danielle talk about the trials and tribulations of motherhood and it’s just cute and funny. Heather uses a word Tamra doesn’t know: “Amalgam”  and the good times end.  Lizzie, in a TH, not only repeats the word, but uses it in a sentence. Heather’s TH is used to mock Tamra’s ignorance and I kinda’ dig it… At some point Tamra just has to either read more, carry a dictionary and a thesaurus, or shut up and nod and pretend she knows what the hell is going on instead of confronting Heather every time she uses a word Tamra can’t spell or pronounce.

Terry and Heather win for ugliest couples sweater, if it matters.

Lizzie is preparing for a photo shoot (she owns a swimwear company). Christian is a full partner in their marriage, taking care of the children, two boys, while she works. We find that she was born in the OC, moved to a horse farm in KY as a child, and  her parents required her to get a college degree before being allowed to go to LA to pursue acting. She chose fashion and merchandising. Lizzie was the high school Valedictorian and her father is a Physicist working at Harvard.  When she married Christian he didn’t want to move to L.A. so she gave up her acting career.  Unlike someone else, she doesn’t pretend she walked away from a red hot career. I don’t yet know Danielle’s story, but so far Lizzie and non-argumentative Shannon are a WIN. What I like best about Lizzie? She doesn’t model her line.  She thinks it’s amateurish and wants to focus on promoting the line.

Tams and Eddie are at dinner and the evening is relaxed until the wombfire discussion begins. Eddie wants no children – he feels that he doesn’t have time to raise children. If they have one, he thinks that Tams should do most of the work, he’ll be busy. Given the fact that she’s recently said that their business is just breaking even and she’s up at 4am I get his point.  Tams “botox cries” about having a baby no one can take from her – not Simon and certainly not take from her 50% of the time.  I don’t think she realizes that Eddie could do the same if anything happened.  This conversation has taken a quick turn for the worst.

Thank goodness the show ends there.