This episode could have just as easily called “All about Heather” – a take on “All about Eve” only bitchier and less fun. We open with Heather’s charity event and the return of Ramona – who is back from Africa. Ramona is shocked to hear that Heather has unilaterally exiled Aviva from the group. She remembers that Heather likes to selectively invite members of the group to her events. Power play in motion, folks. The other highlight of the party includes Ramona’s recount of viewing hot animal sex in Africa – between mating Lions.
The Countess LuAnn is horrified and wishes she hadn’t heard the story. I keep wishing I hadn’t seen the Johnny Depp look-a-like escaping from her room last season. We’re even.
When pressed to explain why she dislikes likes Aviva, Heather later admits to Kristen that she has her head stuck up snooty Carole’s … wait, wait, that’s wrong. Heather says that it’s just that she doesn’t like the way Aviva treats people. She of the “Bring it on MFer, don’t tell me MFin’ nuthin” fame doesn’t like the way Aviva treats others. That’s right.
If it matters, Sonja looks SMASHING! She and Ramona greet each other (warmly?).
More man-child Josh belittling Kristen takes place at the charity event, with him “joking” that she’s failed to fulfill her promise of six blow jobs a week once they bought the new condo – he still has her promise in email. I’m getting squicked out by their “sex for goods” jokes. Carole “jokes” that Kristen has failed to fulfill her wifely duties. I wonder two things – 1. Whether Kristen has been smart enough to retain a high profile divorce attorney and 2. Why Carole thinks her quips are cute?
Apparently Kristen is modeling Yummy Tummy for Heather – great, a product made for women who don’t actually need it? Ramona calls Heather to set up a “sit down” with Aviva. Being on the continent of Africa has caused Ramona to want everyone to get along. Heather continues to argue about poor Carole’s hurt feelings. Carole argues about poor Carole’s hurt feelings and that Ramona is only stirring the pot as usual. Ramona argues that they are all behaving like Lions (mating lions or warring lions? Neither interests me with this group). Both agree to meet – but Aviva makes one near fatal admission to Heather, she’s afraid of her. Warring Lions it is! Heather seems to relish the smell of a wounded prey animal. This won’t be pretty.
Kristen and Carole meet up with Heather’s husband Jonathan. Heather’s favorite food is caviar and they’re trying to find something they think she’ll love. Jonathan tells the women about Heather’s promise of a threesome during their first year of marriage, which he is sure will never happen. The uncomfortable waiter wants to leave, but Jonathan stops him as the three of them continue on about the intricacies and impact of threesomes #prickswithprivilege. After they’re done, the waiter is allowed to describe the different types of caviar on the tray. Their conversation turns to Aviva, of course – bringing about an accusation of “psycho” from Carole – who hates name calling, smeared reputations, and whose anger at Aviva feels increasingly hypocritical and irrational.
Aviva and Heather meet, with Aviva asking for no name calling and no cursing – the latter of which Heather won’t agree to (in case she hulks out into “baddest bitch” mode). Aviva notes that she’s learned the hard way that name calling doesn’t work. She reminds Heather that she yelled at her and told her “nobody” likes her. Heather denies saying it. Aviva says that she didn’t retaliate and took it up the butt after Heather verbally raped her… Seriously, where are the women in NYC with money AND class? Heather counters in a TH (Talking Head Interview) that she only kept it real, that and that if people don’t like it real then don’t invite her to the party. DONE! I now question the cred of any rapper who ever worked with this woman. Yeah, you Puffy/Diddy/Puffy. Heather brings up Aviva’s comments to Sonja and Ramona from last season as evidence of how Aviva treats people. Where was this rage, last season? Aviva wants to know what she’s done to Heather, personally. The response? Heather is pre-emptively de-friending Aviva. I call bullshit.
(Hypocritical?) Heather starts name calling, referring to Aviva as “fucking dramatic.” She begins hulking out (HEATHER SMASH!), taunting Aviva by calling her “Miss Vassar.” She tells Aviva to get a job. She feels that Aviva has attacked her career and that she’s only defending herself . The restaurant patrons must be hoping their meals will be comped after being subjected to the fighting. Heather wants to know if Aviva gives a shit about her – oddly, Aviva says yes. Heather says that she doesn’t need to defend Carole, who can defend herself. Aviva (sigh) pulls from deep in her “George genes” to ask if the two women are lovers or something. She doesn’t get why Heather is so invested. I think it’s an idiotic statement. Heather, goddess of small things, sees it as a sign that Aviva is childlike (#noroomtotalk) and is jealous of her friendship with Carole (#arrogant).
Aviva tries to explain her feelings about Carole’s response to her book. Heather, who wasn’t there as I recall, denies Aviva’s version of the story. Aviva tells her she’s not impartial and the conversation ends with Heather saying she’ll talk to Jonathan about extending an invitation to Aviva and Reid for the 10th Anniversary party. Aviva wants Heather to broker a peace between her and Carole. Either heavy editing is taking place or I feel like I fell asleep and missed about three hours of footage. They have taken steps A to Z, missing every other step in between.
Ramona, Mario, and Avery are discussing her leaving home, coming home for holidays, and working in the family business to make money. Bravo’s editing monkeys break my heart a little with flashback footage of a young Avery saying working in the family business is not the way to go for her. It’s so sweet I get misty-eyed. Avery says she’d rather spend more time with Mario – Ramona takes it as a slight. Avery is exasperated. So am I.
Kristen and Carole are meeting with RHOBH’s Yolanda and Brandi for lunch. Carole calls Yolanda an old friend (someone she’s known for 5 or 6 years). Carole wanted King David, but was never able to date him. I tried to forget that Brandi and Kristen are friends and judge Kristen on her own merits. Oh, if only this lunch date hadn’t happened. There is some story about Kristen’s bachlorette weekend, heavy drinking, flashing a fake Elvis, a bit of kissing with fake Elvis. Brandi claims to have stopped Kristen from sleeping with the guy. Carole brings up Aviva again in a TH and says she has other interesting things to talk about… irony. More George Clooney comments. We find out that Carole and Russ are done. They are all talking over each other, Brandi tells too much about Kristen’s life. I have a headache and am moving forward – but not before learning that Kristen asked Josh to have a vasectomy. The next segment continues with Carole and Kristen working out and talking about Kristen’s sex life with Josh. I start thinking about the poor camera operators who had to hear more of this than I did.
Aviva reports (to Sonja and Ramona) a more peaceful conversation with Heather than the one I watched. Ultimately, Heather sends a text letting Aviva know that she
did not find the Golden ticket to the Chocolate Factory was not invited to the party. Ramona and Sonja feel that Heather and Carole are petty and decide not to attend the party. OH SNAP, BITCHES! I love it! Heather says she doesn’t want drama at her anniversary party (I’m sure Aviva didn’t want to have her husband attacked on her behalf at her housewarming. I do think Aviva was wrong for the ghostwriter comments but the response is utterly ridiculous and disproportionate).
Josh and Kristen are fighting on the street about being late for the party and about their lack of communication. Kristen threatens to bring her punctual boyfriend to the next event. Heather toasts to staying married/no divorce, and for whatever reason, I hope Josh and Kristen work things out, respect each other and make it long term. Carole recommends that they see someone despite her beliefs that some couples who bicker constantly have the strongest relationships – Kristen says that occasionally they have met with a counselor and that she’s pulled stealth moves to try to get Josh into counseling.
The Countess delivers the news about the boycott. Heather hulks and the chorus (Lu, Carole, Kristen) follow. RSVP’ing and not showing causes pearl clutching in the group of fake Elvis groping, pirate banging (maybe), MF dropping, young dude groping society maidens. The conversation must have taken place over at least an hour, the backdrop moves from daylight to early evening. Ramona takes the lion’s share of the blame… you know, because she’s a mastermind pitting them against Aviva and they are all so weak. The Singer Stinger is born and is capped with a “Holler that Bitches”.
The show ends on a high note, loving words exchanged between Heather and Jonathan, a bag of caviar, and tons of dancing.
I’m an exasperated soap fan who keeps hanging on – waiting for the daytime I once loved to return to its former glory! Hey, it doesn’t hurt to have a dream. I learned to love soaps thanks to my wonderful mother and grandmother. I’ll always have fond memories of daytime, most especially of ‘Another World’, my first stoap love. The ever great, but sadly defunct, daytime shows like Ryan’s Hope, Search for Tomorrow, The Doctors, Loving, and many others keep a special place in my heart, as well.