Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: ‘Hawaii 5 Uh-Oh’ [S9, Ep 1]

 

They are BACK!  We open with Terry and Heather discussing the two year build on the new 20,000 square foot house with the architects.  There are fancy appointments (nothing says cozy family home like a Porte-Cochères – something Heather has always wanted to make her home feel stately.)She laments that their long term rental could fit in their previous home’s garage (#richpeoplesproblems and #Idontgiveadamn).  Still, they’re enjoying the rental, minus Terry – who can’t take the closeness and all the kids playing in the cul-de-sac at the end of his long work day. Heather and Terry fight over his small closet in comparison to her large beauty salon.  Run, man.

Tamra, Eddie, Ryan, go.  At the time of filming, the studio has only been open nine months (fitting since Tamra likens it to giving birth to another child).  She comments on working 7 days a week and that her days begin at 4:45am.  The studio is not making money, yet, but at least they’re breaking even and she takes pride in that – given that it’s a new business.  Eddie is apparently the happiest he’s ever been. She laughs about his ‘Gym Voice”, one she likens to a creepy Barry White.  Tamra admits that she’s worried about staying in shape, with Eddie being five years younger and notes that getting older sucks sweaty balls.  I see success hasn’t changed her.

Vicki informs us that Brianna moved out six months earlier and that being a “partner person” she hates being alone.  She has an employee “David”, who needed a place to stay, and allows him to stay with her for one or two nights a week. It provides her with companionship… er, where does he stay the rest of the week?  So giving. We learn that Brooks wants to be forgiven but Vicki is not sure what will happen since she is a work in progress.  As we see her driving off down the street, I can only wonder if she’s hiding Brooks in the back seat until the car is out of camera range.

Heather and Tamra are running together and discussing their lives.  Gretchen and Slade’s names come up – they stopped at Terry’s office for facials. Tamra mentions that they did not send a wedding gift and rips on the “plastic” Gretchen Christine bag she got for her shower.  Tamra calls Gretchen a narcissistic compulsive liar – who is basically dead to her.  I enjoy the lack of self-awareness on Tamra’s part (and I strongly dislike Gretchen, if it matters).  Heather mentions yet another gig: Hawaii-Five O.  Tamra invites and Vicki along. I smell trouble brewing.  In her Talkinghead (TH) Heather mentions that when the three of them are together she feels like the odd man out. I say be grateful for small blessings.  The women discuss Vicki’s divorce – now final. Both question if she is secretly seeing Brooks. Tamra uses her TH to say that no one is fooled, they all know that Vicki is still with him.

Vicki visits with Brianna and Troy (and I’m glad to report that the mother and daughter hug). Brianna celebrates her new pregnancy and shares the sonogram with Vicki.  It’s downhill when Vicki states in her TH that their relationship is good as long as they don’t mention Brooks. She then accuses Brianna of saying things about him that weren’t true. The season just got long. We learn something else! Ryan has been stationed in Oklahoma. I wonder if his behavior last year made that reassignment happen.  Brianna jokingly tells her mother that she can move to OK, that people there need insurance.  In her TH, Brianna sees this as a chance for a fresh start.  She needs one. Vicki, filled with charm and grace, refers to OK as an “invisible” and “forgotten’ state no one talks about. She’s not sure what kind of food they even eat in Oklahoma. I am speechless.

More scenes with Heather and her architect – this time discussing the hidden Scooby Doo room she wants for her son Max. They’re going to a local home by the same architect to get ideas.  Of course, we have to hear that Heather’s home is higher up, better view, and is a bigger house.  The house they’ll tour belongs to Shannon Beador (one of the new HWs).  Shannon had a similar room built for her girls. The trip introduces us to the fabulous house porn. We also learn that since her twins didn’t want to share a room, Shannon had them DNA tested. Er, it’s early.  I’ll judge later.  Shannon claims to not know the exact square footage of her home, not to want to know, and claims they think it’s too much space.  She describes her family as down to earth and low key.  Heather decides to take a swing at Shannon’s decorating tastes.  Two rich women with big houses and money to burn?  This is turning into an episode of “Highlander”.  There can be only one.  Someone is going to lose her head, figuratively speaking.

Shannon shows them the basketball court, which Heather makes sure her husband won’t get to have. Porte-Cochères, yes (because she really wants you to know she knows what one is), basketball court, no… I mean, it’s ONLY 20,000 square feet! They can’t afford to waste space.  As Shannon talks about the measures she went to for a green home (even avoiding wireless), Heather takes another swipe at the fact that she probably gets her hair colored and it’s unlikel that she uses an organic product.

Heather is on set questioning (and probably annoying) the make up artist.  I’m so glad I don’t watch Hawaii Five-O.  Vicki and Tamballs are on the plane being silly and talking about corrupting Fancypants.  They want Heather to take off the fancy pants to show them who she really is.  I’m afraid that we’re seeing the real her.  Heather is in full bloody make up as she video chats with Terry and the kids. At the hotel, Vicki snarks when asked if she needs one key or two (lady, get help for that).

 

Shannon offers to pay her children minimum wage for work around the house.  She doesn’t want her kids to think they can have everything they want – something tells me this is news to her kids, especially with the cameras rolling.  They struggle to find out what the minimum wage is.  Shannon grew up affluent and her husband built his fortune as a freeway contractor (why am I getting shades of NJ Teresa and Joe, here?).  Shannon and David seem to have the same relationship as Heather and Terry.  Immediately, David has my sympathies.  He can do nothing right.  Overall, the family seems like a lovely one. Shannon’s daughter wants a cell phone, yet she keeps hearing how dangerous they – radiating the brain. I’m trying to remind myself to wait before judging.

More Heather refusing to get stinking drunk with Tams and Vicki.  They make plans to attend a surf school, but  Heather is afraid of water and says no.  Tams’ TH and Vicki’s TH are both attacks on Fancypants not wanting to step outside her Chanel box (Tams).  Once in the water, you can hear Vicki screaming back in the O.C. if you listen carefully enough.  Fancypants not only gets in but stays up on the board. Tams stands up. Vicki eventually stand ups, after being referred to as a moron in a Tams TH and just before scraping her knee.

We cap with an aggressive, Vicki-led driving tour of Hawaii.  Heather is a proverbial backseat driver (no fun).  They stop at a food truck and even there Heather wants a special order.  Heather tells the ladies to sit under the Plumeria tree until she returns.  Plumeria is a disease, counters Vicki, only to be told by Heather that English is not her strong suit. POW! Vicki then confuses Chlameria (instead of Chlamydia) with Plumeria.  Vicki is exhausted with Heather’s need to be right. Each think the other has to be right or has to have the last word.

Shannon is at her “energy medicine acupuncturist “, Dr. Moon, a visit she makes every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  He tells her she has emotional problems (I’ll bet I’m a lot cheaper than Dr. Moon). He’s going to give her magnets to spin energy.  If nothing else, she’s going to be funny for a while.

As Vicki takes a phone call from a business associate (Rick), Tams and Heather bring up Brooks, again.  Heather snarks at Vicki over a comment she makes.  In her TH, Vicki hopes that Heather will come down to her level for a moment – it might be fun. Vicki wants to whoop it up, Heather wants to school the ladies on the temperature at which wine is stored and consumed. I am DYING watching these three.  The gods of snark love me, I know it!!!  Watching Vicki mimic Heather is priceless.

As they begin talking about relationships, the subject of Brooks is raised and the episode ends!  From the previews, these women are going RHONJ with a little RHOA thrown in.  I can’t WAIT!