Ryan is cultivating a team of agents to continue to expand his empire. He and team member Linda, pop in to a NoMad condo with a cutesy “Avon calling” pair of smiles. The seller Angela is not having any of the Charminator’s flirting. But never underestimate Flirty Ryan – he gets her to agree to a listing price $400k under what she originally wanted.
Luis continues to mentor Baby Huey – err Todd. They brainstorm open house ideas. Todd is thinking Jamaican fruit punch. Luis says getting potential buyers drunk is really not the way to sell a property. Luis suggests an elegant tea party theme.
Trouble ensues when Luis says Todd’s Mommy and Daddy cannot attend and Todd must be the one to tell them. With the promise that he’ll give them some cookies, the parents grumpily acquiesce.
Fredrik’s latest listing is a 4 floor “green” solar paneled Tribeca penthouse. The catch is that the monthly common charges (a.k.a. condo fee for non-NYC peeps) are $9000 a month. There’s no doorman, pool or gym; so it’s unclear what exactly the $9000 a month is buying. I can’t even quantify how many lap dances I would need to receive on a nightly basis to justify a $9000 a month, no amenities fee!
Fredrik plans a broker open house focusing on the “green” elements of the penthouse, hoping that the brokers will somehow disregard the high monthly fees. Good luck with that one! Green apples, kiwi and recycled toilet paper are brought in to emphasize “green.” Jordan, his assistant, puts together a stationary bike that powers a smoothie blender. However the blender is not working and Jordan shows off a thick ring of under pex sweat. Eventually they get the bike to work and the brokers ooh and aah over Fredrik-powered smoothies.
Luis is setting up the fancy tea party open house. Between the Fredrik smoothies and Luis’ croissants, I was mondo hungry during this episode. Todd looks like he’s going to pass out. Luis tries to give him a reassuring hug. Todd freezes up and looks extremely uncomfortable. I’ll take your place, Todd. I’d wrap myself around short Luis like a boa constrictor. A very happy boa constrictor.
Potential buyers start to arrive and Todd freezes even more. He’s lost the power to speak. He squeezes his eyes tight and looks like he might squeeze one out. Please don’t poop during the open house, Baby Huey!
Then the power of Luis’ words takes over and Todd begins to speak! He warms up and starts interacting. Luis is proud! Todd is much more willing to fully hug Luis now. I’m still here if Luis needs a back-up hugger. Just FYI.
Because Ryan’s listing has no furniture and is facing a brick wall, he decides to throw a rave for the brokers open. Like any good rave, the place gets trashed. Ryan’s team member schedules the cleaning crew for the next afternoon, but Ryan schedules an early morning showing. Ryan and Linda throw all the trash into a closet and show the unit.
Derek & Fredrik are contemplating having a baby, but until then they dress up their dog in baby clothes.
Ryan brings a “best and final offer” $200k under the asking price. His seller is not amused. “You shouldn’t be coming at me with this happy face,” she barks at Ryan. You tell him, Sister!
Ryan says “When someone puts $2.4 million in your hand, you close your hand.” The seller is not buying Ryan as Confucius. Ryan then skates along ethical lines by calling the buyer’s sister to try to get her to come up with an ever better best and final offer. The ruse works and the buyer and seller agree to $2.5M, deal done.
Luis and Todd meet up with Momma and Papa Huey. Luis has somehow managed to raise the offer $475k, but it’s like blood in the water. Momma and Papa Huey want to raise the price even higher than what they had previously agreed on. Bad sellers! Like a baby deer trying to walk, Baby Huey – err Todd – gives a compelling fish analogy that practically brings tears to his Mother’s eyes. “TIME TO REEL IN THAT FISH AND EAT THAT FISH!” he says. It just might be that Baby Huey will be the next Anthony Robbins.
I am surprised Mother, Father and Son didn’t all jump up and slam bellies with excitement. The fish tale works, Mom & Pop agree to the offer that is only $25k under their original asking price. Todd makes $48K in commission, gets yet another hug from Luis and a fish dinner. I never thought I would envy Baby Huey!
Desperate to unload the overpriced monthly charges penthouse, Fredrik goes to a real estate mixer hoping to find a buyer. Instead he finds Ryan and his girlfriend. Last time Ryan and Fredrik were together, Ryan was threatening to show a porno that Fredrik had starred in during his wild Swedish naked youth, to a room full of brokers. However it was a practical joke and Ryan showed a cartoon instead. Fredrik was not amused.
Fredrik looks like he is going to lose his lunch on his beautiful shoes when he spots Ryan across the room. He pulls Ryan and his girlfriend to a quiet corner to talk. Really Fredrik, you needed to bring Ryan’s girlfriend along to watch you confront him? AWKWARD!
Ryan says he doesn’t even remember the event Fredrik is referring to that hurt him so. Fredrik says that he sees Ryan as “an opponent, an enemy, a dark force.” Ryan looks highly amused, getting his ego stroked as the Real Estate version of Darth Vader.
The GF started asking questions on what Fredrik did to Ryan. Way to stick up for your man, Sassy! Fredrik said he cried because of the event. Ryan and his GF both looked like they were going to laugh hysterically in his face.
The camera cuts to Fredrik’s lip quivering and his hand shaking as he adjusts his perfectly coiffed hair. “Thanks for listening,” he says dejectedly as he walks away with no apology from Ryan.
Ryan turns to his girlfriend and says: “That guy would lie to the face of the Baby Jesus.”
When SouthTampaLily grows up she wants to be a cult leader or Faye Dunaway in “Mommie Dearest.” Until she finds some maturity, she spends copious amounts of time watching reality television and training her cats for the circus. Follow her on