Married To Medicine Recap: Beauty Queens & Freak Dancers Have Feelings Too [Episode 1]

 

[Photo: Bravo]

Don’t let your shady boots catch fire! It’s time for the season premiere of Married to Medicine!  Kari Wells is out as a full-time cast member.  Lisa Nicole Cloud & Dr. Heavenly Kimes are in.

Quad modeled for Fashion Designer Reco in a photo shoot.  She says: “With a mug like this, you never turn down a glamour shot.”  Girl, I definitely hear you on that one!  It’s hard being this gorgeous 24-7!

Mariah and Quad are no longer best buddies. Quad starts crying amidst the bolts of fabric when discussing Mariah.  Dr. Jackie is considering having a baby using a donor egg.  Dr. Simone is not buying that Jackie can handle work and a baby.  Mariah is teaching her daughter Lauren how to give proper face in family pictures with her son and her nephew. Mariah’s nephew is being bullied at school.  Mariah advises her nephew to “Bust her up” and “hit it and quit it.”  Mariah probably won’t be asked to be the spokeswoman for any anti-bullying campaigns.

Mariah’s relatives discuss the broken friendship between Mariah and Quad.  They tell Mariah that she “made” Quad and that the jokes about Mariah being the puppet master has some validity.  Mariah blames Reco for incorrectly telling Quad that Mariah was jealous.  “envy is rotten to the bone…distance is the answer,” advises Mariah’s relatives.  Funny, I go with “To stop a feud, start talking!”

Dr. Simone is trying to juggle work and family.  Her solo practice’s new electronic billing system is slowing down payments.  Dr. Simone wishes someone would have told her: “Bitch your money’s gonna be looking funny for the next 6-8 months.”

Quad’s husband, Dr. Gregory and their two cute dogs in matching outfits are having breakfast.  We learn that Dr. G is a stanky night farter.  (TMI, puh-lease!)  Quad has left corporate America and Dr. G thinks it’s time she is pregnant not just barefoot in the kitchen.  Quad is not in agreement.

[Photo: Bravo]

Toya is prioritizing being a mom and a wife.  She goes to visit her long-time friend, dentist, Dr. Heavenly.  Dr. H says Toya is “not the brightest chick in the group, but she’s a great person.”  Which I think is what we all want our friends to say about us when we are out of earshot.

Toya threw a charity bowling event. “Ms. Georgia Plus” (the winner of a beauty pageant for plus size women), Cha’Kiva, attended.  She talked about how in her role as “Ms. Georgia Plus,” she advocated that larger women can be healthy and beautiful.

You would have thought “Ms. Georgia Plus” just announced that she butchered Dr. Jackie’s family. Dr. Jackie jumped up with a look of disgust I have not seen since I was the only Asian kid at an all Caucasian elementary school.

[Photo: Bravo]

Dr. Jackie sneered at “Ms. Georgia Plus” for trying to say she was healthy at a plus-sized weight.  You would have thought Cha’kiva was 1000 pounds, shoving bricks of lard in her face, the way Dr. Jackie was acting.  Dr. J said Ms. Georgia Plus needed “to work on not being plus.”  The higher your BMI, the higher your chance of heart disease.  In between sneers, Dr. Jackie says “I don’t ever want to make you feel bad.”  Too late, Dr. J!

Ms. Georgia Plus walked away looking like she had been emotionally battered.  The charming, vivacious, happy woman who had walked up a few minutes before was no longer to be seen. In addition to Dr. Jackie’s beauty queen insulting, Dr. Simone freak-danced up on Toya’s husband.  Evidently bowling alley charity events make people want to hurt other people’s feelings and grind on other women’s husbands.

Dr. H throws a swank party.  There is a quick shot of Kari Wells who is labeled as “Toya’s Friend” as if she had never been on Season 1 of M2M.  Mariah is decked out in a white dress with feathers and a big bun on her head.  She looked like madame the elderly puppet from “Wayland Flowers & Madame.”  (Ancient reference kids, Google it!)

Dr. H believes it is important to be submissive to her husband, Dr. Damon and calls him “daddy.”  Dr. Simone thinks Dr. Heavenly is bonkers.

[Photo: Bravo]

New Married2Med cast member Lisa Nicole compliments Mariah on her feathers.  This is the only thing she says in the entire episode.  Not a great entrance for a new cast member!

[Photo: Bravo]

Quad walks in and does not acknowledge Mariah, then runs off to get a cocktail.

Dr. H decides it’s time to call Dr. Jackie out on the carpet – in the middle of all of her party guests.  Dr. H had formally been a plus-size woman, 70 pounds ago and found Dr. Jackie’s comments to Ms. Georgia Plus very offensive.

[Photo: Bravo]

Dr. Simone starts acting as Dr. Jackie’s interpreter trying to justify Dr. J’s actions.  Dr. H tells Dr. J to speak for herself!  Dr, Jackie condescends and says Dr. Heavenly is a dentist, not a doctor and therefore isn’t qualified to talk about obesity and heart disease.  They go back and forth.  They eventually apologize to each other, but Dr, Jackie’s words lack sincerity.  Dr. Simone thinks Dr. H has the crazy knob dialed all the way to the top.

Back at the party, Toya decides it’s her turn and asks:  “Did Simone tell you she was giving my husband some booty action?”  Dr. Simone, still reeling from Dr. H calling Dr. Jackie out, declares that “all these bitches decided to come for me.”  She denies grinding and gyrating on Toya’s husband.  Although on the season’s trailer, there is talk of Dr. Simone’s marriage being on the rocks.

[Photo: Bravo]

Usually bad behavior is reserved for Toya and Mariah, but In the season premiere cool, calm and collected Dr. Jackie shows that she can hurl some mud of her own.  Stay tuned!