It’s the season premiere of Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing New York. Ryan, Fredrik & Luis are back in all their well-styled glory. But this season, Ryan has a girlfriend. Fredrik is settling into domestic marital bliss and Luis is trying to mature into a power player of the real estate scene.
We start off with a scene of Luis naked except for his boxer briefs that really should have been set to music and in slow motion. Luis has changed companies to – SURPRISE- working at the same company as Fredrik. Luis says he wants to be respected not feared.
Now comes the clients – like most clients on MDLNY, Fredrik has a developer client who thinks his ground floor, loud street noise unit should bring in more money than any other place in the city. Fredrik tries to set him straight while sitting in a chair that looks like super villains should stroke cats in it. They huff and puff at each other and then the client agrees to what Fredrik proposed.
Like the past season, there are lots of shots of Ryan and Fredrik in the back seat of cars with drivers. It’s all very Taxicab Confessional or Cash Cab.
Ryan’s listing has a “sky garage” – each unit has it’s own car elevator. You drive your car into the elevator, ride the elevator up and then park your car in your unit. Which will no doubt beg the question “Is that a car in your apartment or are you just happy to see me?” Ryan is wearing a three piece suit with a ridiculously high vest. Is this the new fashion? If he was not wearing a shirt, Ryan could rouge his nipples and play the emcee in Cabaret.
Ryan is talking with the representatives of a faceless mogul named Mr. Woo. Perhaps it was Mr. Woo’s chair that Fredrik was sitting in earlier. One of the two reps looks like singer Macklemore. When they said “Mr. Woo won’t take anything less than $23 million,” the chorus for “Thrift Shop” should have started playing.
Luis’ client wants to sell their outdated home for top dollar. The wife says “well sell the dated kitchen to a dated person.” Oh, why didn’t we think of that? This woman is a real estate mastermind! The husband and wife client then throw in a big hitch – they’ll let Luis broker their apartment IF he shares the commission with their wannabe tennis instructor turned real estate broker son, Todd. A Baby Huey-esque character. Cut to scenes of each person intently staring at the other while Baby Huey, I mean Todd, looks confused. Then Luis gives in and agrees to share part of the listing with the client’s son. Proud Mama says Baby Huey, err Todd, will learn a lot from Luis.
Meanwhile Fredrik’s client throws a fit that there hasn’t been major movement on the listing in 18 hours. Fredrik makes constipated looking faces in front of a carton of Lactaid.
Ryan decides the way to sell Mr. Woo’s Sky Garage unit is to make a movie. He meets with two Australian movie makers. Ryan may have been a soap opera actor in another life, but he cannot do an Australian accent to save his life! Ryan wants a Michael Bay type helicopter movie on a kid’s birthday party home video budget. Hijinks are sure to come with this situation. The Australian movie makers look at Ryan like he’s nuts.
Back to Luis – evidently he has a lean, sassy personal tailor named Ian. Baby Huey, err Todd, walks in looking like Roy Orbison in a plaid shirt. Luis has decided to “Transform Todd.” If Luis gets his own spin-off, it should be a makeover show. Ian and Luis freestyle. Luis raps in Spanish that he is the Matador. He encourages Todd to join in. However Roy Orbison, err Todd, doesn’t freestyle.
Luis advises that confidence equals sales. Perhaps this is true if you are a hottie like Luis. Baby Huey, err Todd, tries to freestyle. It’s bad, but Luis gives him points for trying. This ugly duckling is not going to turn into a swan any time soon.
Fredrik’s client makes a surprise drop in at the open, to Fredrik’s dismay. In a scene reminiscent of the Macaulay Culkin scene in “Uncle Buck” the client asks Fredrik a long stream of interrogating questions without taking a breath or waiting for an answer. Despite the drama, one of the brokers is actually interested in the unit for his client.
Ryan’s assistant Olivia decides to give Ryan a taste of his own medicine by conducting an impromptu production of “My Imitation of Ryan.” The impression is much better than Ryan trying to do an Australian accent.
In step two of Baby Huey, err Todd’s transformation, Luis gives him a cold calling lesson. Todd looks like he’d rather be playing tennis. On the first call, Todd shouts into the speakerphone like he’s talking to his deaf grandfather. He then continues in the same “Annie, Annie, are you OK?” tone that you use in CPR class with an inanimate dummy. The cold callers do not appreciate the tone. They make snarky comments and hang up. Todd looks like he’s about to lose his lunch. Luis says some encouraging words. Todd gets worse. He starts to sound like a creepy stalker. Cut to a sad, hang dog look from Todd.
Back at the Bat Cave – err Sky Garage, construction is behind but Mr. Woo’s Rep, aka Macklemore Lookalike, thinks Ryan should still be able to get $23 million pre-construction. No one can figure out what the big hole in the middle of the unit is supposed to look like when finished. Talk of sky vaults and stairs only gives more confusion. Ryan emphasizes that no one is going to pay $23 million for this unit pre-construction. The usual MDLNY shot of intense stares and then Macklemore says OK to Ryan.
Fredrik and a buyer’s broker do a negotiation dance. Fredrik’s client yells at him, but then acquiesces. Fredrik and the buyer play a game of “You call your client. No, YOU call your client.” More intense stares. Negotiated price agreed to and in true Fredrik style he does his signature high-stepping crane kick exposing very bright pink socks. End of episode.
The trailer for this season on MDLNY contains hip swiveling, babies, flirting, Fredrik’s hubby doesn’t want to be a Housewife, Ryan vs. Fredrik, Ryan vs. Luis and a lot of people yelling a lot of sale price numbers. Stay tuned!
When SouthTampaLily grows up she wants to be a cult leader or Faye Dunaway in “Mommie Dearest.” Until she finds some maturity, she spends copious amounts of time watching reality television and training her cats for the circus. Follow her on