Joan Knows Best Recap: ‘The Sex Tape’ [Season 4, Ep 1]

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joan_and_melissa[Photo: WETV]

True confessions. Before last night, I have never been a Joan Rivers fan. Her sort of humor didn’t appeal to my parents (my mother would make a horrified sound and change the channel whenever she came on the television screen) and that just sort of carried over. And let’s face it, I don’t THINK I’m into geriatric humor and that lady is, as we learned on the premiere of Season 4, truly of “saber tooth” vintage. Watch out cougars! Now Sonja Morgan of “Real Housewives of New York” has something to strive for in a few years.

My husband and I were channel surfing last night – they weren’t catching anything on “Wicked Tuna” and he’d already watched the maximum number of “Cops” re-runs I’ll tolerate – when we hit a teaser for the new season of Joan and Melissa Rivers’ show so we stopped there. Turns out my husband is a Joan Rivers fan. OMG – good call Bill! It was really, really funny.

I love Joan, I feel so bad for Melissa, and I hate slutty friend Lynne who totally broke #GirlCode and screwed Melissa’s boyfriend Duncan last night. And I need an assistant like Melody or Sabrina to get my butt organized.

Joan & Melissa
[Photo: WETV]

If Joan Rivers has always been this irreverent, inappropriate and hilarious, now I understand why they didn’t want me to watch. She is funny as shit. Too bad I had to wait to get to 40 to check her out.

Last night she actually called her daughter’s old boyfriend, the head of Vivid porn studios, to set up filming her own porno! Yes, it’s all pretty-well scripted and staged – there were live tweets complaining about that – but c’mon it’s totally worth it. Joan spends the entire episode busting on the Kardashian Empire for making their entire fortune on “Kim’s back” from her sex tape with Ray J.

Of course it’s staged, but it’s still really, really funny. Her visit to the porn set, and her open call for porn actors, and them all refusing to have sex with an octogenarian was hysterical (although I felt sorry for her when they all walked away at the thought of having sex with a woman over 80 – they clearly didn’t realize who it was).

“Those guys would pop a pig for $20 and they turned me down,” Joan laments.

And when she was chatting up the porn stars mid-scene while they’re getting their do-hickeys powdered and such, I almost died when she was asking about facial expressions (“which side for the tongue?”) – C’mon Joan, you can’t do that with your face anyway.

Having Ray J pop up from under the covers as Joan’s co-star in her personal sex tape was HILARIOUS. OMG. Best show ending ever. I truly hope the Kardashians were watching and that they did not know about it, but that’s unlikely given the incestuous nature of the television industry. Am curious though.

By the way, starting the episode with Joan as a guest on Kris Jenner’s show, milking cows, was a funny tie in. Joan was impressed with the set and the breadth of the Kardashian fame – her inspiration for making a sex tape, actually. But I’d like to point out to Joan that although that was a really fancy “Kris” set, they sure didn’t need it for very long. Did they? Maybe you can have it.

Meanwhile, for anyone of my generation or below who doesn’t know everything Joan Rivers did before we started making fun of her facelifts and watching her play fashion police, it’s well worth doing your homework about her. WEtv actually has a fairly comprehensive bio up (impressive for a reality show bio at least) that gives you an overview of her career, from clubs, Broadway and the earliest late night television.

Joan Rivers should be an icon for women in entertainment. Actually, she already is, I was just ignorant. She’s a machine. This lady has literally done everything. I just wasn’t allowed to stay up late enough to see anything in her early career. She’s the Johnny Carson of women and we have not given her enough credit. Seriously. No wonder you kicked everybody’s ass on “Celebrity Apprentice.” I did watch that.

Which is why the idea of making a porno to make money and gain even more notoriety is so damned funny. She doesn’t need either. She’s just run out of stuff that she HASN’T done. Joan Rivers has literally done everything else. And, to be fair, she did ask Melissa to be the star first. Melissa wasn’t interested.

The show appears less scripted than some, at least I don’t think Melissa saw that phone call from her ex at Vivid coming. Yeah, he’s weirded out and your mother had a blast torturing him, and later on you’re going to catch her watching Vivid videos as homework. Brace yourself. I loved that when she was yelling at Joan about it, her number one point was to tell her to stay out of her telephone.

Melissa, if I were you, I wouldn’t be leaving that pink phone sitting around. Your mom and Lynne are wayyy too dangerous. I have this feeling that Joan keeps herself entertained by plotting with production to torture you. And just think about how many of your boyfriends Lynne can reach out to so she can offer support. Is anybody else completely disgusted?

What’s going to happen with this? Why did Duncan even open the door with Lynne in the bed? He had to know Melissa was coming in – or did he think she wouldn’t because of the cameras? Did Lynne really get that drunk on camera and sleep with her best friend’s man? I don’t care if Melissa and Duncan are having problems – that breaks ALL the friend rules.

[Photo: WETV]

This is not Lynne’s first television rodeo, she knew what she was doing. Her Brandi Glanville-esque behavior was painful to watch in that scene at the restaurant. This lady is, theoretically according to her bio, an established professional. And she’s been close to both the Rivers women for years.

What the fuck was she thinking? I’d like to see her get booted out of their lives immediately. Some things are unforgivable. And as most girls learn the painful way as teenagers, a friend who will go after your boyfriend once, will do it again and again til you cut her out of your life. Bye Lynne!

It’s funny because when you hit 40, and after you have been married awhile, your parents really do start saying shit to you that you could have gone your entire life without ever hearing. Trust me, I planned my mom’s wedding to my amazing stepfather a couple of years ago and, although I did break down and send her some naughty lingerie, I really never want to hear any of the details. Ever. Please.

Watching Melissa’s reactions to her mother in interview is a priceless experience if you’ve got a mom who has stopped editing what she says to you because of your age. I know for a fact that a LOT of women like me were feeling so sympathetic and laughing really hard. We don’t want to hear this from our moms at the kitchen table over margaritas, and Joan is saying it in interview on a reality show. Bahahaha!

My husband is adamant that Joan Rivers and Betty White need to co-host a show together. I’m starting to think I agree. I hear the “Kris” set is available. Just sayin. Their first episode (all the networks would fight to have this one) should be “What the Hell Were You Thinking?” and Lynne should definitely be a guest. They could bring in Dr. Phil to analyze (since I stole his line for the title). Imagine Joan Rivers and Betty White tearing into Kristen from “Vanderpump Rules.” Or Jax. I bet they’d ask him to take his clothes off.

Okay, fine, I’m hooked. I’ve set the DVR. I’m blogging this one because I really got a kick out of it. And because it was a really unexpectedly fun show to watch. The mother-daughter dynamic is something a lot of us can relate to and the teasers for the season show they’re going to get into it. Why is Joan living in Melissa’s house anyway? And do we ever get to meet Cooper?

I’d really like to see a “Real Housewives of Atlanta”-style smackdown on Lynne next week, with all the wigs and extensions and jewelry flying, but Joan and Melissa are classier than that. So it will be really, really interesting to see how it’s all handled. And since WEtv and Pie Town Productions were kind enough to wrap up the porno spoof in one episode (thank you), I’m psyched to see what Joan is up to next week.

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