Couples Therapy: Mid-Season Catch-Up

I’ve gotta admit that when the editors of All About The Tea asked me to write about Vh1’s “Couples Therapy,” I wasn’t sure that was a fair assignment because I have espoused my opinion on pre-marital couples counseling many times. If you need it before you get married, you probably shouldn’t get married. So with all due respect to Dr. Jenn Berman (who may have the only job out there more stressful than mine), that doctor is wasting her time and theirs trying to “help” and repair most of these relationships. It doesn’t take a stack of degrees to see that Farrah’s other half didn’t even show up and Ghost is an unfaithful bastard. WTF are they even doing on this show? Let’s bring in some real couples who are internationally famous for their marital problems. Where’s Ramona from RHONY or half of the RHOA cast? I’d like to see some actual married couples on this show, not just former reality stars who are trying to goose up their resumes.

Okay Taylor, we all know what happened in your last life because you put it on TV for us – the tragic ending wasn’t a surprise to anybody but you, although nobody could have predicted exactly how it would go down. But one of you was going to end up dead if he kept beating you and you kept running to your friends who were running to the media. Fortunately, it wasn’t you. You were the victim twice… or many more times than that. Now you’re moving forward, so get over the past. Or at least get your own counseling before you marry somebody else and fuck it up because of trust issues from your past. Trying to extend your reality television life by putting your current relationship on “Couples Therapy” is sorta pathetic. Where’s your daughter while you’re off doing this? You do realize she’s going to be able to Netflix all of this someday, right? As for the boyfriend John, I still haven’t figured out why he’s there other than to hold her hand. Taylor’s issues are hers and should be dealt with in intensive one-on-one sessions.

The only participant more out of place than Taylor is Farrah, whose significant other didn’t even show up to film the show. As if production didn’t see that coming ahead of time. They should have swapped in another couple. Was anybody else watching with me thinking “send her ass home!” and terribly disappointed when they let her stay? Oh she needs full-time therapy for sure, but she’s got nothing to contribute to the conversation on this show. Except the fact that she’s a hot mess in a downward spiral reminiscent (and much faster) than my fave example Anna Nicole Smith. But Anna Nicole was pretty – Farrah’s just an over-made up tramp who, not unlike Taylor, looks pretty pathetic appearing on “Couples Therapy” on her own. Perhaps Vh1 would have done better with an all-female cast for a show called “Broken Women.” We get that Farrah’s childhood wasn’t happy – duh! Bringing mom on was so pointless – couldn’t production have booked Farrah on Celebrity Rehab instead? Just be patient. If she’s not hooked on something now, she will be within the year. You can swoop in and film her implosion then. But keeping her on a show called “Couples Therapy” as a single was just plain stupid. Were they hoping she’d hook up with another cast member and make a video? That’s something Jon Gosselin hasn’t done yet – maybe she should ask him first.

Oh Jon…was this the only way you could get back on TV and pay some of your legal bills? That woman is horrendous. Why do you guys seem to dress the same all the time – does she tell you which sweatshirt to wear when you appear together? It’s weird. Here’s the thing – I’m TEAM KATE. And I always have been. She might have been tough on you when you were supposed to be a married team juggling eight kids together, but at the end of the day, she held your life together. And you’ve proven that she was, in fact, the glue in your family with the disaster you’ve been ever since she tossed you out.

Watching Jon and Liz in therapy is surreal. Jon is mentally in therapy with his ex, Kate, and Liz is just classless and clueless. Kate’s not there to defend herself and it’s very easy for them to demonize her. How is that helping them as a couple? Move on Jon, you’ve blown it and you can’t go backwards now – and blaming Kate is just screwing with your kids’ heads because everything you do ends up in tabloids they see when they’re in the grocery store. Haven’t you done enough damage? Just listening to Jon and Liz talk about combining families and lives is laughable. Would you leave your children unsupervised with those two morons? Jon couldn’t even admit he’s a smoker – put himself down as a “occasional smoker” on the compatibility test episode but I’ve never seen the guy without a cigarette on the show unless they were someplace they couldn’t smoke. Also loved his temper tantrum the other day when he accused Vh1 of orchestrating the drama he was experiencing, and the doctor got all defensive about how what she’s doing with him is about helping him and not for the show. Whatever. Bitch and moan about the network as much as you want Jon – you’re full of shit and you knew exactly what you were signing up for when Vh1 gave you a contract. Quit whining. It’s really unbecoming.

More than therapy, Jon Gosselin needs to be forced to stand in front of a mirror for a really long time and confront who he is, who he was, and what he is becoming. He’s the only one that can stop his own self-destructive behaviors. And honestly, I wouldn’t care if he hit rock bottom hard except that there are A LOT of children involved who would be devastated. Go get a job Jon, clean up your act, and pray the little ones don’t remember enough to hate you forever. At the end of the day, no matter what you say about it, Kate’s the one who has held your children together and going on a show like this is more damaging than you can imagine. You do realize their friends are watching it even if your eldest daughters are not. Shame on you.

 

Speaking of shame, Ghost doesn’t seem the least bit perturbed that he’s been outed as a big-ass cheater. There he is, session after session, sitting between his two women. He’s smug and unapologetic. Kelsey needs to get her ass up and walk out of there. No way any TV contract would keep me in “Couples Therapy” with my boyfriend and his girlfriend. And he’s mean and nasty about it too. Kelsey is beautiful and successful and doesn’t need him – why isn’t the doctor telling her to leave him and move on? I’m sorry Doc, but I’ve gotta wonder about the therapeutic value of continuing the sessions with them. I’d tell both women to dump his ass and move on. Some things shouldn’t be fixed.

 

Whitney and Sada are the only two on this show who qualify for “couples” therapy and have a relationship that should be saved. Maybe Taylor and John will end up together, maybe they won’t – but these two ladies are already married and, if for no other reason, they need to work together to fix their relationship issues. And from what I’ve seen on the show, they have. Not nearly as freaky and dramatic as any of the other couples, but at least they’re real. I have to confess to never having seen “The Real L Word” so I got to know them first on “Couples Therapy” with no preconceived notions about either one of them. But the whole show promo saying the “honeymoon is over” seems to try to point this couple farther down the road to divorce rather than encourage reconciliation and repair of the relationship. That’s not what I see happening on the show, but then again, I’m biased because I think the rest of the couples shouldn’t even be in therapy together.

I’m going to beat that dead horse a bit more before I sign off. I’m not a doctor or a therapist, but I am a wedding planner and I’ve planned almost 500 weddings for all sorts of different couples, the vast majority of which are still happily married and in touch with us. I see couples go through every emotion in the book from the beginning of wedding planning til it’s all over and they’re married. For some, that’s two years, for others two months. But I get a pretty good peek inside those engaged couples’ relationships and I’m here to tell you that needing relationship counseling before you get married means you shouldn’t be getting married. It means you are incompatible. It means this is not your soul mate. It means get a grip, pick up your pride and walk the fuck away. As fast as you can.