Mob Wives: New Blood Season Breakdown By Sandy Malone

I’m sorry VH1, but that Mob Wives finale sucked. You had so much to work with, but you hung it all on Alicia’s sentencing as if the court system ever does what it’s supposed to do when it’s supposed to do it, and now we’re all STILL waiting to hear what will happen to her next month. She’s been saying what she “could” get (5 years, a million-dollar fine, yada yada yada) all season, so basically, the cliff-hanger for the finale was a big old dick tease. The reunion better be amazing.

Meanwhile, Junior is out and wants to kill Renee? What??? Okay, look folks, I know this is “Mob” wives, but do you really think anybody would be dumb enough to take a hit out on one of them right about now? Or come after them at all? Try not to hit the cameraman or the sound guys. For God’s sake, this show has enough weird drama without making it up. It’s like the drug dealers in my old neighborhood in DC – they don’t want attention. So when one young guy shot up our SUV and house because he didn’t like having a police captain living on the street, the higher-up drug dealers got pissed and let him hang. It brought down their entire crew eventually. So for real, does Renee really have THAT much to worry about? I’d say Natalie is far more likely to stomp her ass than Junior right about now. Junior probably doesn’t want to be anywhere near her and that pisses her off more than anything. Meanwhile, despite the fact her son seems to barely tolerate her these days, I seriously doubt AJ would sit back and let Dad whack Mom if he thought there was an issue. I think the kid is the smartest one in that immediate family, but that’s not saying much. We’ll have to come back to Renee later as there’s just so damned much to say.

I’m starting to really, really like Big Ang and her whole family. At first, I thought she was just a stereotypical joke they’d added to the cast, but the more she’s on the show, the more I like her. Good call on not getting yourself preggers Ang – it was a sweet but bad idea and most of America can’t even contemplate the idea you might decide to breastfeed that child. I’m sorry – it had to be said. I have mad respect for this woman just because she stays upright when she’s clearly built somewhat off balance. Anyway, for me, her announcement that she’s going to focus on her grandchildren instead of making a baby was the highlight of the grand finale for me. I was like “STOP THE PRESSES – is somebody making a good life decision on Mob Wives???” I still wonder if that was a production idea, but she was definitely going along with it. Could have done without the fertility clinic scene. How did the check behind the counter keep a straight face? Give her the acting award.

 

Actually, to be fair, Drita seems to be alllll over it too these days. Keep her the hell out of the casino (did I miss the episode where she admitted she’s a lifetime GA member? Did she say “Hi, my name is Drita and I have a gambling problem?”) and she’s going to do just fine with her makeup shops and other ventures. Not entirely sure about the whole rapping thing (reminiscent of our girl Melissa on RHONJ) – seems to be something production is setting up. Not like her network doesn’t have all the access in the world to all the top artists. But the one thing that keeps me sucked in is Drita’s completely sincere enthusiasm. She’s like a little kid in a candy store. There was nothing fake about her reaction to Method Man.

Speaking of kids, here’s another example of a mob wife making a GOOD decision. The way Drita decided to handle the bullying situation with her daughter. I’m not sure teaching her to fight sends the right message exactly, but martial arts are certainly a good way to help teach a child confidence and security. Aleeya seems shy and unlikely to drop-kick her aggressors, but at least now she will probably feel less afraid. And it’s something mom and daughter can do together. I also think Drita needs to work with the school on the problem if it continues, but that’s a tough one. Don’t pretend it’s normal for your mom to be on a reality show – especially one like “Mob Wives” where she’s constantly talking about kicking the crap out of somebody, or bragging about the way she used to kick the crap out of people. Hey, I’m fascinated and intimidated. But I’m not her pre-teen daughter. Aleeya may be saying “no mom, please don’t call the school.” It’s all good though folks, because I’m fairly certain that everybody in the school administration knows all about it now. That’s the beauty of reality television, eventually, we see it all. In Aleeya’s case, she’s on a TV show about her mom because her dad is a criminal. Forget about saving for college, start a PTSD fund. Even if Drita keeps the girls on the right track, Lee’s absence from Aleeya’s early childhood is going to send her to therapy eventually. Drita’s probably already got her signed up. She’s no idiot.

Let’s talk about hot-mess Renee now. I’m so disappointed because, although she’s kinda scary, in the first seasons, Renee was often the voice of reason. She has every right to feel like she brought everybody together and then quite a few of them became friends with each other and turned on her. But she has bigger problems now. In the last episode of the season, Renee was all worked up because Junior had found out she’d been to see a lawyer, right? I’ll admit that you get used to the cameras after awhile, but don’t tell me you didn’t see the camera crew with you at the attorney’s office, Renee. You are so full of shit. He was going to find out eventually – along with the rest of America. It cracks me up when reality stars look into the camera and call something a secret.

Stop worrying about where Junior is and start worrying about which rehab to check your happy ass into, Renee. You can’t drink anything when you’re in recovery. You didn’t fall off the wagon in Vegas, you fell off the top of the Eiffel Tower. And you did it in front of millions of viewers. In my world, that indicates a problem. Get help. You know you’re still munching Xanax and anything else you can get your paws on. You’re desperate for a better relationship with your son. First thing you need to do is sober up and stop embarrassing him. That whole scene with introducing him to your new boyfriend was PAINFUL to watch. What were you thinking? You mortified everybody at the table. All I could think to myself was “#AWWWWKWARD!” You’d been out with the guy a couple of times. You’re supposed to wait til you’re SURE before you risk embarrassing your children like that. And dude had double-booked your ass and admitted it to everybody. For somebody who is constantly preaching respect, Renee oughta get a little pride.

While we’re on topic of the man who lasted about a week, what was up with bringing him to girls’ night out? Dumb move. Made you look desperate. Girl, stop that because you’re making women everywhere cringe for you. You have money, you are famous, and you have a personality – take some time to recover from the assholes who have messed up your head and get it together before you even try dating. Was he really a date anyway, or some poor stud Vh1 hired? That aside, your temper tantrum when Natalie called him “delicious” was ridic. Okay, I agree that she’s a trampy little piece of garbage and she was out of line, but you needed to act your age and rise to the occasion and handle it. Big girls don’t start fistfights in public venues. I know you’ve done it all your life, but you could give it up, along with the booze and pills. All the other Mob Wives have lost a lot of respect for Renee. And I don’t blame them. Not only does Renee suffer from PMS – meaning “Poor Mate Selection” – but she’s the one who brought Natalie into the mix. Talk about hiring your own executioner.

Natalie needs to stay in Philly. Sorry girl, but these ladies are going to eat you alive and your only true advocate is “going away.” Love how they don’t talk about prison, just that so-and-so is “away.” It’s like the way little old Jewish ladies always whisper when they say the word “cancer.” Anyway, once Alicia is safely ensconced in prison – where she so richly deserves to go if not for her crimes but for being such a lousy liar about not knowing her husband was in the mob – Natalie is toast. She’s not really tall enough to model and Mob Candy was her biggest shot. I see a very long, successful career in funeral home makeup artistry and management in her future. And that’s exactly where she belongs. She can’t do anything else in entertainment with that God-awful accent unless she continues in reality television. And she’s a social pariah on Staten Island and that’s definitely saying something, although I don’t speak the language and even Rosetta Stone doesn’t cover that one.

I admit I love this show even though I can’t relate to the way these women relate to each other. I’m surprised Drita and Ang don’t just shut them all out, but that would ruin a perfectly good reality show. I’m even adjusting to the new opening with the smashed wine glasses although I loved the raw, walking-on-the-pier opening of the first seasons. Couldn’t they have reshot that with Alicia walking in Karen’s place and Natalie running behind them yelling “wait for me” as she basically is in real life. They could show Renee looking back over her shoulder at Natalie and laughing. That would say it all.

There’s one thing that’s got me bothered about “Mob Wives,” just like all the Real Housewives shows… would somebody please cast “real” housewives moving forward??? Only about half of these ladies qualify as “Mob Wives.” The show isn’t called “Mob Relatives” – so as much as I love Ang, I’m not sure why she’s on the show other than to reinforce a specific stereotype that she does represent oh-so-well. Natalie isn’t anybody’s wife. Neither was Karen, and we don’t really miss her, do we? Alicia didn’t know she was a mob wife, right? So we’ll cut her some slack. Bahahahaha! I have an idea – make your defense that you didn’t know your husband was in the mafia and sign up to do a T show called “Mob Wives” while you’re awaiting sentencing. Makes perfect sense to me, but what do I know. I’m just a wedding planner. Whatever surprises the network has for us in the next season, it would be super nice if any new cast members were actually married to mobsters. Just sayin.

How is Karen’s book selling? Meanwhile, did anybody else want to plug their ears and scream “lalalala I can’t hear you” when Renee started her reading of her soft-core porn novel? OMG would you ladies please just stop. We’d rather listen to you threaten each other with butter knives at dinner.

I’m dying to see the reunion this week. Will Karen be there? God, I hope they don’t bring her in even for a quickie because she never shuts up and she has nothing to say that isn’t self-promotion at this point. Alicia’s going to woe-is-me about her upcoming sentencing (some things don’t change til they change) and I anticipate a screaming fight over her blaming Renee for leaking info, again. No matter what she said last week about believing it’s not Renee, she doesn’t trust her any farther than she can throw her. Drita has mellowed, and unless Karen visits or Natalie gets out of line, I don’t anticipate her getting out of her chair. But I think Natalie’s going to pitch a bitch at everyone and everything. Big Ang will nod a lot and say “Oh My God” a lot, but she’ll be fine as long as they take a lot of smoke breaks.

You know what we WON’T see on a “Mob Wives” reunion? A row of husbands sitting behind the wives like we have on some of the Real Housewives shows. They either don’t exist or they’re “away” and the ones who are real have wisely stayed off the radar and out of the camera’s eye. I suppose Junior could walk in and we could all see Renee have a heart attack on camera. But that’s not going to happen because we would have already seen it on TMZ.

Watch for my follow up blog after the reunion on Thursday night – no wedding this weekend so I can indulge in the guilty pleasures of reality television instead. You can keep up with my other blogs at www.SandyMalone.com and follow me @SandyMalone_ on Twitter too.